Let’s set some house rules, shall we, friends? First, every time you hear the word “windmill,” take a little drinky. Second, every time Peter’s family sings or dances to a Cuban song, you have to grab a Mojito or an El Presidente and sip that beverage for all its worth. For those of you who are NOT in the know, like I am, an El Presidente is “a Cuban alcoholic drink made of rum, orange Curaçao, vermouth, and grenadine.” And don’t EVEN get me started if people mention the MILE HIGH CLUB. Just drink. A LOT.
Alexa: 27, caregiver and Vagina waxer (her words, not mine). She says she is ready to bare it all to Peter and she hopes he is ready to bare it all to her. Interesting word choice.
Hannah Ann: model. Dad loves Peter, and he’s excited and nervous about Peter already. It’s kind of cute that Dad has the hots for Petey.
Tammy: House Flipper. She’s also a wrestler and seems angry. I would not want to make her angry. She loves Peter, because he’s a pilot, and she’s a jetsetter.
Victoria Paul: 27, nurse. Dad died while she was young, and mom was an addict. Mom overcame addiction, so now they’re baking cookies at home together.
Kelly: 27, attorney. Lots of protective brothers.
Madison: won four state basketball championships, all coached by her father. I’m going to assume she started as a freshman, otherwise, she’s had some extra schooling.
Maurissa: Patient Care coordinator, Miss Montana Teen USA.
Before I start limo exits, may I just say that I was not foreseeing the number of times I would hear the girls say they want to be Pete’s “co-pilot?” Did he say that to Hannah? I don’t know why, but that hit me out of left field. I’m usually more on top of those kinds of things. Also, Pilot Pete looks darn good in a uniform.
Alayah: 24, gorgeous, hands Peter a letter written to him by her grandmother. I gotta say, that one is very touching. I’m digging her.
Sydney: 24, from Alabama, threw shade at Hannah Brown saying, “not all girls from Alabama make mistakes.” Or something goofy like that.
Hannah Ann: 28, we met her earlier.
Peter is sweating and muttering that he’s in trouble, as he lustily eyes the women entering the mansion.
Tiny Sarah is up next. She should not drink much; her tiny self couldn’t possibly handle it.
Lauren: 26, walks out in Catwoman’s evening wear; a blingy body suit that hugs every curve. Peter tells her she’s wearing a ‘power suit.’ Those are the exact same words that Batman said to Catwoman.
Victoria P: 27, comes out of the car and does the happy dance with Peter. As a man who loves to dance, he’s totally into it. She reminds me of Krystal. I’m not quite ready to trust her.
Next up, Mykenna, 22, fashion blogger. She’s walking around Peter, openly judging him, as if she is the Bachelorette and not the other way around. Move along, Mykenna.
Maurissa did a pinky promise with Peter and then started to dance with him. She needs to be careful, because her upper lady parts almost made a public appearance.
Kelsey: 28, Professional Clothier. What is a professional clothier, you might ask? Well, it is one who makes, sells, or deals in cloth. You’re welcome.
So, one of the Victoria’s Secret Angels is missing a pair of wings, but I just found them on Eunice, 23, a flight attendant. It’s funny, she thinks she’s different because she’s a flight attendant, but, of course, as soon as she says it, a bajillion other flight attendants show up, among them, Jade and Megan.
Madison: foster parent recruiter, comes riding in on a giant paper airplane.
Tammy and Shiann are next. Shiann hands Peter a barf bag.
Courtney, she of the giant mammaries, (I’m sorry friends, but they ARE, and she really needs a more supportive dress, trust me), comes hobbling in on a toy airplane.
Kiarra: 23, nanny, stows away inside a suitcase, which causes the other girls to cattily comment “Is she a co-pilot or is she baggage?” The claws are out, my peeps. #meangirls
Lexi drives up in a red convertible and a blue velvet dress. She tells Peter, “Clearly, I like to go fast, and I heard you do as well.” I only hope she’s not referring to his windmill performance, if you know what I mean….The catty girls inside are screaming “It’s an old car!” Right, it’s a vintage corvette, fools, worth more than most of you will make in five years.
Deandra is up next with a windmill strapped to her back. Take TWO drinks, since she dressed up like a windmill. I don’t think Peter is quite loving this.
Deandra’s entrance is followed by all the girls who want to comment on Peter’s four times in the windmill with Hannah. I literally cannot repeat some of the things these gals are saying. Payton gets out of the car and starts screaming “four times.??!” Other girls come out talking about four times,but I can’t even remember their names here. Victoria F comes up to Pete and says she “has a dry sense of humor, but that’s the only thing about her that’s dry.” Do these women literally have no shame? Are their mothers watching? Do you kiss your father with that mouth? Goodness.
Then Victoria F goes into the mansion and realizes that there is also a Victoria P. She starts vehemently saying, “I don’t wanna be Victoria Eff. I don’t wanna be Victoria Eff. That’s boom.” I don’t actually know what boom means in this context.
Jenna: 22, nursing student, brings along Ashley P, her emotional support cow, for Peter. So, some of these ladies are definitely not from the Midwest, as they cannot tell the difference between a cow and a “pony.” They’re looking out the window and start shouting that someone brought their “pony” with them. This cow does not even remotely look like a pony. Jenna clarifies that it’s a cow. Eunice no comprende, and Jenna has to also explain that the cow and the whole support animal thing is a joke. I pretty much got it from the beginning, but I’m quick like that.
Savannah: 27, realtor, is tying a blindfold on Peter so she can steal a kiss. She probably could have done it without the blindfold. He’s got loose lips.
Kelley, the attorney, confesses to Peter that she really didn’t want to do this, but then she saw Peter in a hotel lobby before she came and thought that was her sign from God to participate. She seems nice, and she IS an attorney, so she’s got that going for her.
Alexa, the aesthetician comes in, followed by Avonlea. Natasha is next, and she gives the impression that she’s done porn. It’s just a gut feeling people, but I’ve got it with her.
Okay, so right before commercial, WHO steps out of the limo, but Hannah Brown! I really love her, and WISH she were there for Peter, but I have a feeling she’s just there to give him advice…The women are screaming “NO!” Victoria EFF is about to lay an egg, she is cackling so much. I have a feeling we have met this season’s villain.
Hannah brought the wings back that Peter had given her, so that he could give them to his real co-pilot, since it’s not her. Classy move, Hannah B. (Ahh, that’s where the co-pilot thing comes in…)
Peter goes inside to meet the ladies. He tells the girls that he fell in love with Hannah Brown, but now he is looking for love again and taking a chance with THEM. You can feel the air rush back into the room, as the ladies breathe a collective sigh of relief.
Alayah and Peter read grandma’s letter, and it was super sweet. I’m hoping Peter is liking her as much as I do. I’m also hoping that whatever tape is holding her ta-tas in place continues to hold those puppies out of eyesight. The tape appears to be under some strain.
Maurissa’s ta-ta tape is also showing signs of collapse, and I feel her goodies are going to make a public appearance soon. Madison and Peter go out to throw the paper airplane she rode in on. Chris Harrison brings in the first impression rose, which prompts dramatic music and Deandra to utter the immortal words “It’s on. It’s on like Donkey Kong.” Is Donkey Kong ‘on’ that much? I don’t know.
Hannah Ann gives Peter a picture that she and her dad painted of the Smokey Mountains. I think Dad put a little extra love in his portion. Peter and Hannah start making out. Tammy makes her move and handcuffs Peter and proceeds to search him while he’s cuffed. Awkward.
Natasha, who I thought was into porn, says she is very reserved and likes to take her time with things. As she’s saying this, Mykenna starts throwing paper airplanes at them both. Peter nicely asks Mykenna to leave, and then she comes back like two seconds later throwing the planes again. I know I’m old, but it seems kind of juvenile to me. Natasha steps aside, then drags Madison’s GIANT paper airplane in, stating that it’s a gift and Mykenna needs to fly off on it. Mykenna and Pete starts to make out, but then we hear Natasha nearby, telling them to move it along.
This part of the night drives me a little crazy. The girls keep cutting each other off to try to spend more time with Peter. Hannah Ann thinks that the painting she gave Peter is like a free pass to make out with him whenever she wants. She’s interrupted him like three times now. Shiann is angry and crying and decides to confront Hannah Ann. Shiann tells her she wants her time with Peter and Hannah Ann says that she wants that for her too. An awkward silence ensues and poor Shiann says she can’t figure out if HA is serious, or if she actually means it. Methinks she does NOT mean it, but I could be wrong.
Meanwhile, some of the girls get more and more drunk. Victoria Eff reestablishes herself as a comedian by repeating her original “dry” line with Pilot Pete. Sadly, Peter did not remember what she said, and asks her to remind him. Victoria Eff, or Eff, as I will now call her, thought that she came up with the most original opening line, but I think it was just skanky. Pilot Pete wants some class in his wife.
Petey is giving Hannah Ann the first impression rose, and the other gals proclaim they are “totes jelly.” Chris H comes and gets Petey for the rose ceremony, so that Sweet Pete can start to put faces to names with whom he wants to send home.
Rose Ceremony: First to get a rose is Nurse Victoria P, followed by Madison, Kelley, Lexi, Savannah, Lauren -meow, Tammy, Alayah, Jasmine, Sydney, Natasha, Mykenna (who was about to blow a gasket if she didn’t get a rose), Deandre, Sarah, Alexa, Kelsey, Payton, Kiara, Courtney, Shiann, and Eff. ( I actually typed in her name BEFORE she received the rose, as I knew the producers could not let this one go.)
Allie and Maurissa and Katrina were let go. Katrina is particularly broken up by it. As a pro sports dancer, this may be her first encounter with rejection.
First Date Card: Hannah Ann, Kelley, Deandra, Shiann, Tammy, Courtney, Victoria P, Jasmine, and Eff are told on the date card to look up. Tammy, who could not tell a cow from a pony, said “What does ‘look up’ mean?” This girl’s synapses are not clicking. Uh, he’s a pilot, sister, look UP in the sky. The girls are going to flight school, taught by two women aviators. The gals are asked “how many feet would you be flying if you were in the mile high club?” Most of the girls put 30,000 feet. Only one put 5,280. Winner, winner, chicken dinner. Nurse Vicki gets motion sickness when she has to go on some kind of gyroscope. She has to vomit and runs to a gender neutral bathroom-thank goodness there was one available. Next, the gals have to run an obstacle course to take a sunset flight with Peter. Kelley wins and Shiann is crying like a whiney baby. AGAIN. These emotional women need to take it down a notch. This is how the show works. Grow a pair.
Back at the mansion, the girls are complaining that Kelley cheated. Okay, so to confirm, I played back the tape. In the obstacle course, Tammy is screaming at Kelley that she’s cheating, Kelley screams back that she isn’t meaning to, but Sweet Pete wants a date with Kelley, so he obviously didn’t really care if she cheated or not. The girls confront Kelley when she gets back, and she blows it off saying she really didn’t know the rules were that hard-fast about the course. I’m with her on this one. I’m sure she would have been called out if it would have been that important.
Nurse Vicki is wearing her glasses since she’s still experiencing motion sickness from the gyroscope. Her peepers are quite fashionable though. Peter gives her a bunch of flowers since she had told him that she has never received a flower from a man before. Okay, what’s going on with Peter and Kelly? I thought they just randomly ran into each other, but it sounds like they may have had an “encounter” as we call it in the Bach world. Or not, they literally just reenacted “meeting” in the hotel. Snooze. Of course, then he throws her up on the bar and starts making out with her. Kelley gets the group date rose. Shiann starts crying AGAIN. The producers need to make sure this girl is hydrated. She is losing a LOT of water with all these tears.
First one-on-one date: Peter takes Madison to his parent’s house to be present while his parents renew their vows. Whoa. You know, let’s digress a moment, shall we? I’ve asked Marine Mike to renew our vows, and he refuses. He says he meant it the first time, and there’s no need to do it again. That man’s a romantic, let me tell you. I really should have listened more carefully the first time…
Peter’s mom talks to Madison and says how much she likes Madison. Madison catches the vow renewal bouquet. Please, don’t even try to tell me that wasn’t planned. At my wedding, a girl, whose name escapes me, literally pushed other girls out of the way to catch my bouquet. It was a dangerous place to be. I have it on tape, people. VHS. You can’t tell me that there weren’t some fighters in Pete’s group.
Mads and Petey just got through telling each other how incredible they are, and then Petey gives Mads a pedicure by sticking his tongue all the way down her throat until he cleans her tiny toes with it. Petey has one more surprise for Mads, which can mean nothing other than being serenaded in song. Goodness gracious, Petey’s about to mount sweet Mads from behind. Calm down, man.
Another group date is announced and guess who’s part of it? None other than sweet Hannah Beast who recounts the wonderful bedtime story of her, Pete, and the windmill. Understandably, the girls are a little irritated that Hannah is there. I can totally agree with them.
What’s this? Hannah is crying in the back room and Peter comes to comfort her. Pete notes how weird this is, and he ain’t wrong. Does the Beast still have the feels for Pilot Pete? I was not expecting the show to go in this direction! They are leaving us with the impression that Pete and the Beast might have a reunion. Hannah, I love sweet Pete, but other things await you on the horizon. Move along, little girly.
After the rose: Chris H and Pilot Pete (Dare I call him PP?) reignite their flames with Ashley, the emotional support cow. Chris tells some cow jokes, like “Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? – Because they lactose.” I get it, do you? Murrell out.