Pilot Pete, Episode Recap, 1/27/20

Dear Readers,

Tonight, I’ve decided to go with a drink called the “Blue Hawaiian,”  as I would like nothing more than transporting myself to the islands, sunning on a beach in Hawaii, sipping an adult beverage, and reading the Enquirer. I’m a woman of simple tastes. For those who want to whip themselves up this delectable beverage, break out a taste of blue curacao,  a sip of pineapple juice, a spritz of coconut, and a large bottle of rum. For an appetizer, slide a slice of pineapple onto the edge of your glass, and you’re set for the night.

Friends, here’s a little scoop on ChampagneGate….In an interview with Extra TV (https://youtu.be/mZRuZd4gxe8), Peter says that after the bottle of Champagne exploded all over Kelsey, he poured some over his own head in order to make her feel better. How sweet was that? Now on with the show…

We open with discussion of the rose ceremony and Alayah. Deandra keeps using the word bled. Alayah’s manipulativeness bled into the rose ceremony, it bled into the cocktail party. If it would have bled into the pool, I would have been out of there.

Victoria P is worried that Alayah went home because of her. Well, you certainly didn’t help matters, VP, but that remains to be seen.

Chris comes in and announces that there will not be a date. He says, “Ladies, it’s time to pack up.” At this point, the girls are gasping with excitement. “The first stop on this amazing journey that will literally take us around the world,” (here the girls are holding their hands to their hearts) “will begin in a city full of art, culture, and rock and roll,” (you can feel the air go out of the room as the ladies are about to scream at the top of their lungs because they know they’re heading on a plane to some exotic locale) “Peter’s going to meet you in CLEVELAND, OHIO!” The excitement just deflates, and there is an awkward pause.  Finally, Lexi regains her senses, and says, “Okay, well…” and starts to get off the couch. Then they all start to giggle and move to pack. Wow, HUGE LETDOWN, Chris.

The date card is opened and EFF gets the date. Yikes, this is going to be one drama filled episode. MyKenna is shown crying about not getting the date and how this would have been the best date for her because Peter is her dream guy and she wants her dream guy to notice her and blah, blah, blah. She’s the same chick who about had a meltdown last week at the rose ceremony. I have to agree with Marine Mike on this one, “I hate crybabies.”

So EFF has been crying this episode about how she hates heights. On the Cadillac ride to meet Peter, she is screeching that she hopes they don’t go sky-yiving (that’s the way the word sounds when she screeches it out.) Umm, Pete is a pilot, and this is NOT a secret to anyone. So, of course, the caddy pulls up next to Peter standing by a plane. They show EFF inside the Cadillac kicking the seats, saying, “No, no, Ah we sky-yiving? No! I can’t do this. I can’t go. I’m literally drooling, I can’t, like, breathe.” Then all of a sudden, she jumps out of the vehicle and says, “Hi!! How are you?” Then she starts running toward him, and in a baby voice, says “C’mere” and jumps up on him. NEW DRINKING GAME: Every time EFF says “No,” you have to drink. I’m telling you, there ain’t enough alcohol in the world to keep up with that game.

Peter tells EFF he is taking her to an amusement park. They hop off the plane and run to the gates. WHY are they running, btw? Take it easy and stroll to the gates, sweet Pete. Is it just me, or is EFF’s voice worse than nails on a chalkboard? The only correct answer to that is yes, it’s WAY worse than that. She has one of the whiniest voices in the WORLD. PP lets us know he has a surprise for EFF, that he’s taking her to a Chase Rice concert. Well, the tables are turned, because apparently Chase is EFF’s old boyfriend. SO, of course, Peter is on camera saying he feels like the luckiest man in the world and he’s so happy that EFF gets to experience this concert with him. Chase starts a song, and Pete’s all trying to make out with EFF, and she’s trying to act like she isn’t THAT into PP, because, let’s be real, she’s still into Chase. Now, see, that’s where EFF and I differ. Back in the day, when I broke up with someone, I got right back on that horse, and I would have been macking the new dude, just to make the old one jealous, am I right?

Anyway, EFF goes off to talk to a producer while PP talks to Chase. EFF tells the producer that Chase didn’t want her to go on the show. “He didn’t want me to go on the show. He told me not to go.” Meanwhile, Pete is all giddy talking to Chase. I think they may have made some plans for after PP drops Eff off.  Eff takes Chase off to the side, and says, “Umm, good concert though.  Umm, this is so awkward. Did you have any idea?” Chase is shaking his head no. In a page straight from UnReal, the producers really set these two up, huh? Kind of nasty there. Eff says to Chase, “I’ve got to tell him, because at the end of this, if we’re together, I don’t want to lie to him.” I’ll give her credit for that.

PP and Eff meet for dinner, and of course, Peter is still going on about Chase Rice and how great he is, and how he might be singing at Eff’s and his wedding one day. Sweet Pete, you need to calm down about old Chase. Victoria takes a big drink of alcohol and prepares to tell Peter that she dated Chase. She spills the beans, and Peter says, “Wait. What? Chase the singer?” which made me LOL, because how many Chases are around at that point? About now, I would think Peter would be cursing the producers, to be quite honest. Eff storms off to cry.

They flash back to the girls at the hotel, and another date is announced. Mykenna may require a straight jacket, as she is about to go off the deep end. She is praying she doesn’t get the group date because she wants a one-on-one, so we all know that means she will definitely be going on the group date. Mykenna IS on the group date and Kelsey gets the one-on-one.

Peter goes and comforts EFF, and they solve their problems as all problems should be solved, by making out. EFF says she thinks Peter is great because he accepted her at her lowest point. Really? Telling him that you’ve dated others prior to coming on the Bachelor is your lowest point? We all have pasts, surely Pilot Pete knows that. Seriously, Eff acts like she’s 12 years old. I asked Marine Mike if acting like a woman-child is actually appealing to men, and I get this dumb grin, with the answer, “Maybe at first.” Ugh.

Peter gives EFF the rose, and they dance the rest of the date away to some cello music.

Pilot Pete takes the group date girls to the Cleveland stadium to play some football. He brings some football players to help. Madison is all ‘bout this, and ready to show her competitive streak. Victoria P tells Peter she’s not going to football because her back is still hurting her, so PP asks her if he will help him from the sidelines. The girls are supes angry that Victoria is on the sidelines with Peter and he’s rubbing her back. Can’t say I blame them.

They begin their game. Marine Mike says, “It’s like watching a bunch of little first graders tackle each other.” He’s not wrong. You know how little kids just all go like a swarm to where the ball is? This is similar to that. Sweet Pete is very excited about this whole thing and chases them down the sidelines, motivating the teams through inspirational screaming.

The Bach cameras flash to the commentators and the female commentator looks like she just smelled cauliflower. She has a weird snarly smirky smile on her face. She doesn’t seem receptive to the Bachelor Bowl. However, one of the producers must have prodded her to be more enthusiastic, because after Deandra scored, she throws up her arms, and screams, “Touchdown!”

Cocktail party: The girls are all irritated because the game was tied, so all 13 are going to the party. They make jokes about blocking and tackling other girls, so that they can each have some time alone with Peter. Oddly enough, Victoria P grabs him first, even though she was making out with him on the sidelines the entire game. Now the catty comments begin…Shiann can’t believe they worked so hard on the field and VP did nothing but got to talk to Peter first. She now gets her turn to go back with Peter, and she’s crying to him about the lack of time they get to spend with him…..and, What’s this?? In the midst of everyone ragging about not getting enough time with Peter, Alayah walks into the room. Alayah tells Peter that Victoria P and her have been really good friends for a long time, that they went to Vegas together, and they talked all the time on the phone, and she was just shocked that VP back-stabbed her…This is obviously in opposition to what Victoria P says, who claims they’ve only spent like three hours together. Peter goes to confront Victoria P, telling her that Alayah is insisting they are friends. I seriously never understand why they don’t bring the women together and duke it out that way. Anyway, Pete goes to VP, and she says, “No, we as a group went to Vegas together, and we like hung out.” Peter says, “You DID go to Vegas together then? Because you told me you didn’t even know her, except for three hours.”

Okay, friends, my spidey senses were right from the beginning. VP is a lying Sacajawea. No offense to Sacajawea. When confronted with the truth, she starts ugly-crying and her festering piehole goes to the only positive sentences she knows and spews forth, “I just know there’s so much I want to share with you.” What?!!

Huh? Now Peter takes VP downstairs to confront Alayah and they hug like they have known each other for years.(Clue #1) Alayah says she just can’t get over the fact that someone who she trusted “bit her in the ass.” They converse like they have known each other quite awhile (Clue #2) At this point, it’s clear to see the two know each other, and even Peter catches on. He says, “Wait a minute, is there a relationship here?” (Ding, ding, ding, we have a winner!) The girls ignore Pete’s comment and Sweet Pete walks off.

Peter is freaked out that Victoria P is not who he thought she was. He acknowledges that he’s not deaf, he heard her say IN FRONT OF Alayah that they know each other, even after she told him they didn’t. Okay friends, Peter is sort of a wimp, I’m sorry if that offends, but it’s true. Peter goes up to Alayah and says, “Everything I’ve seen from you, I’ve loved so far. I had no reason to question or doubt you, but I did.” Dude, why would you let a bunch of mean girls talk you into something if you were really feeling a bond there? Although, in this case, I think the mean girls were spot on in their assessment. Then, he asks Alayah if she wants to come back. Friends, we could ALMOST have a drinking game for the number of times Peter asks someone to come back into the house. Alayah accepts the invite, and she and sweet Pete walk hand in hand to join the girls.

Once again, Peter apologizes to the girls that he didn’t have a chance to talk to them. Yeah, this is getting old. Then, in nothing less than the kiss of death, Peter gives Alayah the group date rose. The gals are not happy.

One on One date: Kelsey and Peter. Why, oh why, do the girls ALWAYS have to run and jump into Pete’s arms? Peter uttered a slight “umph” when Kelsey jumped into his. The girly man can’t take it. Anyway, Kelsey and Peter encounter some Polka musicians, but surprisingly do NOT know how to Polka. Peter, I thought you were half-German? Since they don’t polka, Peter teaches her how to two-step. Makes perfect sense. They then race against some children in a soap box derby and pull off a shocking win. Peter takes Kelsey to the riverfront for an adult beverage and tells her he wants to know all about her. Kelsey is quite lovely-looking, but of course, the first thing she talks about is how she got her qualities from her parents….divorce. Yep, her parent’s divorce. Her dad left his wedding ring on the table along with a note, in which he said “adios,” and headed to Mexico. Pete accepts Kelsey for who she is, making Kelsey’s heart burst with joy, then starts making out with her as fireworks go off in the background.

Back at the penthouse, Alayah continues to be the number one topic of conversation. EFF goes to confront her because Alayah had told all the girls that EFF had dated Chase Rice, and Eff wasn’t going to tell anyone that. Eff gives Alayah the what-for and Alayah responds with “It’s all over Al Gore’s amazing Internet. I thought everyone knew.” (I may have paraphrased some there.) Eff lets Alayah know that none of them have their phones, so how could they possibly know.

Peter enters the mansion for the rose ceremony. Whoa, he gets attacked by the women in the mansion for giving Alayah a rose. After he apologizes to them for not giving them their time, Peter asks to speak to Victoria P. She says she really doesn’t want to talk to him, but she will. He’s totally taken off guard, and says, “You don’t want to talk?” And she says, “No, but come on, I want to talk.” Huh? These gals are very confusing. A parade of girls come through chastising sweet Pete and EFF lets him know that Alayah ratted her out about Chase Rice. Alayah tries to explain herself to Pete, and he walks off. He loosens his tie because he’s having a panic-attack and he’s scared that all the women will leave him. Advice for PP: GROW A PAIR.

No rose ceremony. Lots of drama next week. Outtakes: Pilot Pete and EFF are shooting baskets. Pete can’t hit one. It’s sad. Bobs out.

The Goop Lab, Episode #3 Warning: This episode Not appropriate for anyone under the age of 40! And even then…

So, this episode is all about women’s privates. They bring in Betty Dodson, who schools us that a vagina is only the birth canal, and the vulva is all the fun stuff on the outside and that is what Betty is here to explore. Gwynnie and Elise vow to change their vocab to vulva henceforth. Gwyneth asks what happens in one of Betty’s classes, and Betty responds “Everyone gets off.” There’s another woman with Betty who let’s us know that when you come to a session, she answers the door naked, because she wants everyone to know she’s vulnerable, and then you come in and get naked because you have to be vulnerable, too.

Gwyneth then starts giggling that they will all be naked and says that she doesn’t know if she can do it.  The lady then quickly responds that there is “no judgment”in the classes, which causes Gwyn to change her tune. Gwyn profoundly says, “Shame stops us from doing a lot of things.” Mmm, is it shame? Or just common decency? I just don’t go around exposing my lady garden to the world. It’s just a line in the sand that I’ve drawn, you know?

A group of women is talking about how they don’t discuss their sexual preferences with their friends and how confining that is. This makes me giggle. Who talks about their sex life with other people?  These people need to get a job. There are other things to talk about besides your tinkle.  And your partner’s tinkle. Come on! Now they’re taking sensual self-portraits. One woman is holding two melons in front of her bosoms. Sort of redundant, right?

We’re back with Gwyneth and Betty and some other lady and they’re beginning to talk about genital shame. Where is Cersei Lannister when you need her, right? The lady with Betty relates stories of women who are so ashamed of their hoo-has that they are having their labia cut in order to look like teenage girls. Oh people, I can hardly listen to this. What in the world? I’ll be honest, if I saw my labia in a lineup, I could not identify them. I just assume they are normal and go on with my life. Folks, DO NOT WATCH THIS SHOW WITH CHILDREN. They started parading pictures of privates and I covered my face and started GAGGING. These were EXTREME closeups. I cannot un-see this.

Friends, you are just going to have to watch this yourself, although I do NOT encourage it. I can’t watch anymore. Let me state, I am not ashamed of being a woman or anything going on down in my private area. I just think that everything in the world does not need to be shared, unlike Gwynnie and the Goop group who have NO secrets. Watch if you must. Bobs out.

The Goop Lab, Episode 1: Psychedelic Therapy

Folks, Gwyneth Paltrow has struck my curiosity bone, so I’ve decided to give her show a chance. There are only six episodes, so hopefully, I can get through them all, but today, I start with #1…

The show opens on a preview of Gwyneth’s team traveling to Jamaica to take psychedelics, or ‘shrooms as the cool kids call it. We quickly revert to Gwyneth and Elise talking to two men; the first, a wise sage, and the other a swami touting the psychotherapeutic benefits of ‘shrooms. Gwyneth uses a LOT of big words to throw us off that she is sending her people to go on a crazy drug-filled road trip, but I’m on to her little game. Gwynnie is asking the Swami and Sage more about their program. How Gwyneth puts it: I would personally like to know more about the trajectory of using psychedelics as a healing modality. Translation: Dude, where do I get the ‘shrooms that will get me off on a great acid trip?

G picks a bunch of her people from Goop to experience the trip to Jamaica for the healing power the ‘shrooms will give them all. Here’s something not too healing…Elise, a producer, is riding in first class on the plane, while the others are not. That does not seem very Zen of Gwyneth to force her people to ride with the common folk. Elise flips them off as they are walking by. Mean.

Now G’s employees are in Jamaica discussing their reasons for taking the drug. Elise says, “I would like to understand myself in the context of the bigger universe.” Wow, these people are super deep. The guru tells her that she can’t do anything wrong, so she just needs to relax. I bet it feels so good to know it’s okay to just be you. Raise your hand if you already knew that. And if you didn’t know it, for goodness sake, just be you. Who else could you be anyway? Each employee is asked by the ‘shroom staff why they are there, and each of them want more meaning in their life.

Note to viewers: Psychedelics amplify painful memories and the swami, who by the way, I shall call Swami Rapunzel because his braided ponytail reaches his hips, lets us know that psychedelics must be taken in the right environment. DO NOT TAKE PSYCHEDELICS AT HOME. I’m glad I got that PSA out of the way.

The clinicians put the psychedelic in their tea, stating, “This is a sacrament, so we can be with the spirit of the mushroom.” They all sit their straight-faced. The spirit of the mushroom? I would have been on the floor laughing.

The guy directing everything tells them to let go of their name, job title, time, and gender. Why is letting go of your gender important? I honestly don’t think of my gender that much. If asked, I know how to answer, but other than that, nothing.

They show a case study of a guy who they gave MDMA to in order to help him with his PTSD. He says, “At first I didn’t believe it, but everyone said MDMA was cool, so why not?” Good attitude, buddy. He claims it has been successful in helping him with suicidal thoughts, so that’s a good thing.

Swami Rapunzel participated in a legal MDMA study, because he had to. Because he couldn’t ask his patients to do it if he hadn’t experienced it himself, right? At this point, Gwyneth says she needs some MDMA. Elise throws her under the bus, and says, “You took some once didn’t you?” So Gwyneth replies, “Yeah, I did. In Mexico. I was with my husband who is a deeply profound person, so he helped me through it.” Note to self: Must find a deeply profound person to accompany me on my Ecstasy journey.

Back to the employees taking the ‘shrooms. Some are giggling uncontrollably; some are giggling hysterically. I’ll be honest, I’m embarrassed for them.  It’s like being on a drunk jag and you wake up the next day regretting everything. I see that in store for them.

Another case study showed a young lady who bought copious amounts of ‘shrooms, put them into her freezer, then took them out on a every day and ground them into her smoothies in order to micro-dose psychedelics daily and feel better. She’s been doing it for six years. That girl’s a thinker.

Swami Rapunzel believes that emotions and memories are stored in our bodies and through psychedelic therapy, some of our problems can be cured. As I see these people crying and in pain, I’monna be honest with you, I’m taking a hard pass on the ‘shrooms. They’re all laying on the floor and staring lovingly at each other, which is great, but huh? I love my besties, but this is an experience I think I can do without.

Squirrel: You know what I’m noticing about Gwynnie, I think she has some majorly gray roots. Am I wrong? Is that just a cool Goop thing to do? Like, she’s going to age gracefully, and since Goop hasn’t come out with a hair dye product made from someone’s private parts, she’s not going to dye her hair?

Hold it, Gwyneth just showed how unconnected to the normal world she is. She let us know that people don’t understand that she, too, has had great trauma in her life, but due to the “Systemic cultural lack of connection” (Gwynnie’s words, not mine) people can’t understand that.

Elise, the producer, says that more work teams should share the mushroom experience. For a free trip to Jamaica, I may have to put in a request. Swami Rapunzel suggested that maybe Goop and MDMA could collaborate and do some professional development together, Gwyn says in her very droll voice, “Sounds like a Christmas party.” And they all throw back their heads and laugh.

Gwyneth is now talking to Kevin about his experience and telling him how “incredibly brave” he is. I’m lost here. SO, someone who has an all expense paid vacation to Jamaica to take psychedelic drugs is brave? Oh people, I know she’s talking about the fact that he wasn’t hugged as a child, but let’s get real here. We all have our issues. Life moves one way, and that’s forward. So point yourself in that direction and leave everything else behind. Bobs out.

Life doesn’t get much better than this!!!


People, when you’re surrounded by your besties and recording a fun show, I mean, really, does life get any better?? The answer is, of course it does!! BUT this is pretty good anyway!! Come join Jen, myself, and RodeoWags for some fun!!

Team Alayah or Team Kelsey?

Don’t judge me, People! I have decided to add some Tropicana to my Cook’s champagne, and even though I am aware that a Mimosa is generally a breakfast drink, I’m going for it on this crisp winter’s eve! As I sit here in my recliner, sipping my adult beverage and reaching over to grab the last piece of Christmas candy from the Russell Stover’s box, both Kelsey and Alayah flash before my eyes. I know these two really have no story line together, but I feel like they are soul sisters in many ways.

First my analytical teacher mind composes a Venn diagram in my head. (Two circles where I can compare and contrast the two women for those of you who have been out of first grade for a few years.) In the middle, where their similarities are listed, I easily jot down pageant queens, gorgeous, and simpletons. (In my mind, I am holding a super smooth gel pen that writes in hot pink.)

Their differences are harder. In Kelsey’s circle, I am reminded that she didn’t want to take responsibility for any of Champagne Gate. Poor Hannah Ann, (I am NOT a fan I might add), may have reasonably believed she was in danger if she approached Kelsey after being told in no uncertain terms to “stay the f*** away from her.” BUT, if I’m being truthful, and the Cook’s Champagne is allowing me to be nothing less, I actually believe that Hannah Ann could have cared less about anything that Kelsey said and wasn’t going near her anyway, because she probably was led by the producers to believe that the champagne was for her and Peter. Hasn’t anyone watched UnReal? If not, get yourself on Hulu and watch that bad boy.

For Alayah, was not the belly rub and panting enough to make you un-fan her? If you haven’t seen the clip, check out @BachelorABC https://twitter.com/i/status/1220134047675895808

So for me, I say send them both home, Peter. I know you “sent” Alayah home, but then, you were questioning yourself and now we see her come back in next week’s previews. If nothing else, this season has left me guessing. BUT mostly about WHO Barbara is crying about, am I right? I am definitely tuned in this season!!

Also, don’t forget to take a peek and subscribe at our YouTube channel! Lots of fun stuff on there! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCZmdY2B0buxSu8FQdZ5D3jw?view_as=subscriber AND, if you’re looking for a funny and different podcast, go to https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCQOPP4debUA-dBhOny7lUJQ, it’s addictive!!

Major celeb dish!!


Gwyneth Paltrow put out a Vagina candle, aptly named “Smells like my Vagina”, which she sold on her Goop website for $75 and they are SOLD OUT. I have so many questions here. Apparently, she was walking along and smelled a scent that reminded her of the scent of her own vagina; she then decided the scent was worth capturing in candle form. Listen to our blog, as Jen and I give our thoughts on this and more celeb scoop!!

Episode Recap: Pilot Pete 1/20/20

Dear Readers,

I’ve got my gallon of Sam’s Club Cook’s Champagne, a sleeve of Ritz crackers, and Kraft Easy-Cheese on the TV tray next to my recliner. A feast for a queen! I’m prepared to see what the night brings us. First, there HAS to be a wrap-up with #ChampagneGate, correct? I canNOT listen to more of that for an entire evening. I mean, I loves me my bubbly, and I would be very protective of it, but surely the producers have a nice bottle of whiskey and some Sprite lying around, right? If nothing else, they have a flask in their pockets just to deal with some of the whine these chicks are dishing out. Grab that, head to the pool, and get over your bad self, Kelsey.

The drama continues….We open with Hannah Ann and Kelsey crying. Hannah Ann loudly proclaims that she is NOT a champagne stealer! “I’m just not, I would never do that to anyone.” Wow, I mean, have none of you ever participated in a circle of people passing around a champagne bottle and drinking straight from it, and you kept reinserting yourself at different places within the circle in order to ‘steal’ more of the available alcohol? No? Just me, then? I just never thought being a champagne ‘stealer’ was all that bad….

Anyway, we move on to Victoria P and Peter on their date. I’m going to throw out the words “Hair extensions” and see how all of you respond…..Okay, well, I am responding positively, but I definitely think Victoria has them. PP and VP go to a Western store to pick out some boots and hats for a line-dancing date. I mean, who doesn’t go with their man to get a $300 pair of boots and cowboy hat pre-date. NONE of us, that’s who.  Note to self: I’m saying ‘I mean’ a lot. I need to slow my roll there. On their date, Peter keeps commenting that he may have found his dance partner for life.

Back to the real drama, Kelsey and Hannah Ann. They get all comfy on a daybed outside. Kelsey opens with,  “SO last night wasn’t nice. Bully is a serious accusation to make and I won’t tolerate it.”  Hannah Ann responds that Kelsey called her a bitch, a fake, and a champagne stealer, and she considers that bullying. Kelsey admits that they may be some unpleasant names, but far from bullying. HA repeats that she is NOT a champagne stealer. And here’s the quote of the night from Kelsey: “It’s not about champagne. I DON’T REALLY EVEN LIKE CHAMPAGNE.” What????? I LOL’d at that. Then what have the last two hours of the show been about? Come on! Hannah Ann could really care less about being called a bitch; she just doesn’t want to be called a ‘champagne stealer.’ Heck, give me a t-shirt with ‘champagne stealer’ in a funky font emblazoned on the front, and I will proudly wear that tee!

More TV gold from Kelsey. She chastises HA for not coming to her to talk about the whole champagne issue. HA tilts her head to the side and reminds Kelsey, “But you told me to stay the f*** away from you.” Kelsey responds, “So we’re going to make this about me now?” Well, Kelsey, in HA’s defense, she may have been afraid to come near you. Just sayin’.

Victoria and Peter are in an airplane hangar for dinner. Here’s some inside scoop: supposedly, none of the Bach contestants eat the dinner that’s in front of them. They are taken to eat after the filming of the dinner, but they do not partake when we are watching. Anyway, Peter tells Victoria how caring she is, and how great it is that she has opened up, and on cue, Victoria P agrees that she’s a wonderful caregiver, and then starts crying about her mom being addicted when Victoria was young and how she and her sister didn’t know where their next meal was coming from….look people, I completely feel for these girls and their problems, but it amazes me how easily they throw their parents under the bus in order to get sympathy on this show. I’m sure it’s all real, though, so I’ll move on.

VP tells Peter that she thinks they are meant to be. Peter tells her, “I don’t know if we are or not, but I saw a shooting star when I was thinking about the girls on the Bachelor and that made me  think I was doing the right thing and that my future wife was in the mansion, maybe even right here.” I paraphrased, but close enough. He gives Victoria the rose and then they go inside one of the planes in the hangar and do who knows what. I think I actually know, but I’m trying to keep this PG.

What’s this? Back at the mansion, Alayah, who seemed all sugar and spice with her grandma’s note at the beginning of the season, starts showing her skanky side. She has like this evil sideways smile on her face and looks like she’s about to cause some major drama.

Group date is announced and who else but Demi Burnett walks in to wake up the girls for their date. One question: How will Peter be able to tell the difference between Demi and Victoria P in case he runs into them both at the same time? Demi and her crew hand out bags with ‘outfits’ in them for the group date girls. The range of outfits runs from Kelley in lingerie to Savannah in a muumuu. Peter takes the gals to a saloon to Demi’s Pillow Fight. Demi lets them know that they are here to fight for Peter’s heart, and she thinks it will be pretty hot to watch, too. Whatevs, Demi. Chris Harrison and Fred Willard are judging, and friends, I believe our sweet Fred has seen better days, but I digress. Oh goodness, Tough Tammy the High School Wrestler is all about this.  Tammy and Kelley are pitted against each other, and they both go on attack, but Tammy is actually tackling poor Kelley the attorney. Tammy is having some PTSD and thinks she’s back in her singlet on the high school wrestling mat. She’s so violent, she’s disqualified. Can you get disqualified in a pillow fight? I guess you can. Alayah and Sydney are the two finalists and Alayah comes out the victor.

Group date cocktail party: Alayah is very concerned about showing Peter a side of her that is not the sweet pageant girl. Alayah wants to be vulnerable with him and wants him to know that she’s been through things in relationships.(Haven’t we all. I once had a guy who told me he skipped our date because he was swimming and some coral got on him and he had to be hospitalized because it started to grow on him and he was worried he would turn into a solid piece of coral. Walt, you are a liar of the lowest caliber, but how you made me giggle.) Alayah’s worried about what Pete’s thinking when he’s away from her. These people need to calm down. The show has 30 girls, Alayah. You are NOT going to see him every day. In-between the times you see him, you must remain calm. The producers should have a large supply of Prozac on hand. Sydney is seriously worried about Alayah being fake. Some deep-breathing exercises are called for here. They need a yoga master on set full time.

Meanwhile, Peter is making out with anything that moves. I didn’t even recognize one of the girls he was making out with, could have been a producer for all I know. Sydney lets him know that some of the girls (Alayah) are fakers. Peter is about in tears, because he saw that happened to Hannah with Jed, and he doesn’t want that to happen to him. Peter goes back to all the girls and calls out Syd in front of everyone letting them know she said there were fakers in the house, and he’s not giving a rose out because he’s now upset. Syd goes ahead and lets the girls know that she was talking about Alayah. Alayah goes up to Peter and cries on cue, letting him know how much she likes him. Peter believes her, but in a huge TWIST, gives the rose to Sydney for being honest and having his back!! Marine Mike notes that Alayah is now shooting Sydney daggers, but follows that up with a giggle and, “But she’s sure pretty.” Marine Mike, how little do I know thee? Insert heavy sigh of disappointment here.

Chris Harrison comes strolling into the mansion and announces that Peter is coming over to join the girls for a pool party. Mykenna is all giddy about the pool party. Personally, 25 girls and one guy in a pool does not seem like a fun pool party to me. I would go heavy on the cocktails. What’s this?  Peter comes over and shows everyone he is a pool party pooper. He says he’s not feeling his best today and not really up for a pool party. Peter takes Sydney aside and asks her more about Alayah. He also askes Kelsey who confirms that pageant girls can turn it on and off, but he has to figure it out for himself. A parade of the girls all come through and confirm that Alayah acts one way for the cameras and another way in front of them.

Whoa, Alayah just shot me the moon through some black lace bloomers she’s wearing over her swimsuit. Usually the producers are all about putting a black box over people’s privates, but not today. Folks, her tiny bum was shaking through her pantaloons. I had to cover my eyes.

Peter and Madison are sitting down and Peter can’t get over how genuine Madison is. She can’t get over their first date because they both care about their families, and she can’t believe they have that in common. For reals, who could believe that someone else might care about their family? Totes unbelievable.

Alayah takes Peter aside and tells him that she’s “never had her authenticity called into question.” He tells her that his biggest worry is that someone is there for the wrong reasons and he will give his heart to the wrong person. She validates his fear and understands why he would be concerned about something like that. He asks her if she can understand why some of the other gals might think she’s a little fake. She says, no, she doesn’t understand,  that she chooses to be happy, and she’s just genuine and drawn to him, and she can’t fake feelings, she can’t fake emotions, she’s a horrid liar, she can’t fake chemistry, she CAN’T FAKE IT! Peter chooses to believe her. Bad move, Pilot Pete.

Victoria P comes out in a fluorescent pink bikini wearing her glasses, making it difficult to decode whether she is Victoria P or Demi B. When Pilot Pete asks her about Alayah, VP tells PP that Alayah asked her to lie about knowing each other from the pageant circuit. She also says, “Coming into this, she [Alayah] was open to all the opportunities that would come out of this, even if you weren’t her husband, so maybe she’s not the one for you.” I will say, it seemed like it bothered VP to have to say that to Pete, which made me think she is being genuine.

PP then goes to get Alayah for another chat. Alayah starts rambling, “Do you wanna go to our spot? This is like a sacred spot. It’s like our talking spot. We had a hard talk here at our spot. I love our spot. We should always go to our spot. Blah blah blah.” Well, those probably weren’t her exact words, but close enough. So, PP confronts Alayah asking her if she asked VP to lie about the two of them knowing each other before coming on the show. Alayah admits to that, says it wasn’t a lie, and she just did it so that neither one of them would get kicked off the show. She vehemently denies lying, again proclaiming she did it so they could stay on the show. Isn’t that still lying though? So much for being a horrid liar, she seems quite good at it. Sweet Pete is not happy, and unless my Spidey senses deceive me, he definitely thinks Alayah is a liar. Chris Harrison announces that the most boring pool party EVER is now over, and they won’t see PP again until the rose ceremony. Mykenna breaks into tears, crying that time is their most precious commodity and now they won’t get any of it with Peter.

When we come off commercial, Alayah is still the focus, saying the last thing she expected was being called a liar and manipulative. “To hear that somebody I considered an ally and a friend coming into this just slaughtering my name is very upsetting.”  Gurl, there ain’t no allies in a room full of women competing for the same man, trust me. I’m throwing this out there: Alayah looks like Natalie Portman.

Rose ceremony: Kelsey, Hannah Ann, Natasha, Lexi, Madison, Shiann, Kelley, Kiarra, (someone grab the smelling salts, I think Mykenna’s going down, btw), Tammy, Savannah, Deandra all get roses, and then Peter steps out. He talks to Chris, who then comes back to the ceremony and removes one of the last two roses. I’m confused as to how this helped the situation.  Mykenna is still about to pass out. Marine Mike is worried for Peter on the day when Mykenna finally does NOT get a rose. He feels she will fashion a shiv and stab our Peter with it. She seriously looked like she was going to have some kind of breakdown for a while there. Peter ends up giving the final rose to Mykenna saving her breakdown for another day. He sends Alayah packing. Peter tells the girls he will see them next week, but he doesn’t stay for a champagne toast.

What’s this? Sweet Pete goes back to the producers and says, “I don’t know if I want her to leave right now.” Oh goodness, is evil Alayah coming back?

Next week, some major bombshells are happening! The Bach is turning the volume to high!! We hear Victoria EFF say that she used to date Chase Rice who is playing a concert for her and PP, and…..Alayah comes back!

Outtakes: Sweet Pete rides a bull. They show Victoria P turning the speed WAY up on it, and Pete goes flying off. That was kind of mean for someone who claims to be World’s Greatest Caregiver. Bobs out.

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