Sweet Pilot Pete has turned into nothing less than a fibber. In this story from Us, PP says he was “just as frustrated” as the ladies that Hannah showed up on his show. Pete, methinks thou doth speak an untruth. Unless my eyes deceived me, the feelings between you and Hannah when you reunited were VERY real and genuine. Unlike Madison, but that’s another story. Come on, Pete, just own your love for the Beast. We support you.
Jen and I have big plans for our next vlog which will film on Saturday! I don’t want to give too much away, but (using my whisper voice) I will be discussing my favorite bra brand and lotions! Jen always has something fab, so it will be a great show!! We think we will try 5 minute segments this week and post them on different nights! Our creative minds are always working!! Tune in at https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCZmdY2B0buxSu8FQdZ5D3jw and subscribe!!
#TheBachelor, #PilotPete, #bargains, #beauty, #Elomi
As I sit back with a glass of Cook’s champagne, only the best for me, (You can get like a gallon of it at Sam’s Club for $10); I continue to giggle at the wonders of ChampagneGate. I would like to remind everyone that Kelsey is a pageant girl; of course, so was Honey Boo-boo….but I digress. Focusing back on Kelsey, the moment when that champagne came barreling out of the bottle all over her face was a classic Bach moment the likes of which I will never forget. Did the producers shake the bottle before they gave it to Peter? Seriously, why did it come erupting out with such force? If I were Hannah Ann, I would have been laughing my happy ass off in the corner and snickering every time Kelsey walked by me. That poor girl will be in memes from now through eternity. But who am I kidding? I want more TV like that.
Moving on to RunwayGate. No one is talking about this because ChampagneGate overshadows everything, but did anyone else see Hannah Ann slapping Victoria EFF with her dress at the end of the runway? Believe me, I am not an EFF fan, but I thought Hannah Ann was overly aggressive. Hannah Ann comes off as being three-hanky, lovey dovey, and saccharinely sweet, but I see her as a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I just see EFF as a wolf. She’s not nice, people. Everything I read about her calls her a husband/boyfriend stealer. What’s up with that? Go find your own man, EFF. Of course, this could all be salacious gossip, so I’ll just shutty.
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While perusing https://www3.abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor, I found some interesting facts about Pete’s girls in their bios:
Apparently, Victoria P’s “biggest fears are murky waters she can’t see her feet in, and chicken served on the bone.” KFC just lost a spokesperson. “Nothing upsets Victoria more than finding raisins in her cookies.” I feel this means that Ol’ Vic has a low tolerance threshold. Raise your hand if you would actually be UPSET if there was a raisin in your cookie. Here’s a thought: Choose a different cookie. Don’t eat a cookie that day. Lots of options here. Just sayin’.
Alexa is described as a “hippie” who is “all about love and acceptance, but at the same time, this girl has opinions and isn’t afraid to express them. She prides herself on being the type of person to call people out to their face rather than behind their back.” Okay, can we all agree that people who just want to tell you bad things about yourself to your face are also known as RUDE people? Don’t get me wrong, if I have an issue that we can work out, please come and politely have a conversation with me. But telling me that you think my outfit is nasty or I’m having a bad hair day, just because you don’t feel the need to lie? Rude. It’s just rude.
Okay, our friend, Eunice, is described as a “reformed party girl.” I get it. That’s me. I used to love to party. I still like to have a glass of champagne and get my drink on. It just doesn’t happen very often anymore. I’m down with Eunice wanting to settle down, but then, we get to the next part of her bio: “Eunice’s favorite country to visit is Greece, and she can knock back ouzo like it’s water. Eunice’s signature dance move is the ponytail helicopter.” Ha!!! If you can knock back ouzo like it’s water, you have NOT reformed!! AND, the ponytail helicopter? My favorite dance move is the Hand Roll and Point. The ponytail helicopter is definitely a party girl move.
“Kiarra LOVES talking and says her greatest skill is that she can literally talk to a brick wall about anything and everything.” Stop right there. Do NOT give her a rose. You do not want to listen to inane chatter for the rest of your life, Pete. Her only real gift is contorting her body to fit in a suitcase anyway.
“Lauren says she has exit interviews with all of her exes to figure out what went wrong.” I’m disturbed by this. If I gave exit interviews to all my ‘exes,’ I would have an encyclopedic set of Bobs knowledge. No one is interested in that. Not even me.
Tammy has scared me from the beginning. She just looks like she wants to kick some a**. Her bios says, “Tammy tried to join the boys wrestling team as a junior but was turned away! She responded by showing up to every practice and pushing forward on a Title IX complaint until they accepted her. Good thing they did, because once on the team, she went on to have a 7-1 record wrestling on the boys’ varsity team.” I’m curious as to the wins. A plethora of questions come to mind that don’t really need to be asked here. I’m not happy with her litigious efforts at pushing a Title IX complaint forward though. Bach producers, you need to watch out for this one….
AND ON WITH THE SHOW!!!
Back to Hannah and Peter…Hannah needs to tell him she’s tied to ‘Dancing with the Stars’ and can’t be a girl in his house right now, but she’ll keep him on the back burner. The cameras move to the other girls on the date, who are quite up in arms about Hannah being involved in their date. The good news is that the producers have refreshed Hannah’s mascara since last show, when she was looking like the late Tammy Faye Bakker, God rest her soul.
Hannah climbs on Peter’s lap. Marine Mike is sitting next to me and makes the comment that he wouldn’t mind if Hannah crawled on his lap. Oh, MM, you know you only have eyes for me. Leaving us all hanging, Peter and Hannah break it off, and Peter goes to find the other girls. He leaves Hannah looking like a very depressed man wishing he had the love of the Beast. We bid you, adieu, sweet Hannah. Hope to see you as the next Bachelorette! I could totally do another season of Hannah B.
Peter gathers the group date girls together and announces, “As you all saw, Hannah B was here today.” Unless they are blind, Peter, they couldn’t have missed her. She gave them intimate details about the sex you had in the windmill, they KNOW she was there. Peter tells them that he needs to take some time to think about Hannah because his feelings haven’t gone away. Nasty Natasha snarks out, “SHE hasn’t gone away. Every time I see you, I’ve seen her.” Peter tells her that’s a fair statement, which it IS, however, Natasha came across as being crabby, cranky, cross, crotchety, fiery, grouchy, grumpy, and irascible. It was not a pretty look on her. Peter tells the girls he feels like a complete jerk, but he’s heading out anyway, and off he goes.
The girls are very irritated, except for Sydney, who says, “I thinks he’s okay, because we’re here, and I’m here, and I’m ready to show him I’m ready.” I feel like Syd did not have a perfect SAT score, you know?
Anyway, the girls are sent off to the after party to await Pilot Pete, and Natasha is coming across as a Queen B, if you know what I mean. She has RBF to the max, and sweet Pete just needs to send her home. Have a cocktail, Natasha, and get over it. Have three cocktails and move on. Natasha has not imbibed and continues to be coldly sober and mean. Peeps, I generally don’t believe that alcohol solves problems, HOWEVER, in the off-chance I was stuck in a mansion with 27 other women, competing for the heart of one man, that might be the instance when alcohol is EXACTLY what was needed and I would make full use of it.
Simple Syds talks to Pete and tells him that she has been a victim of bullying and racial profiling, so all the emotions she experienced there, were brought out with the whole Hannah thing. I do not see the correlation. I’ll be honest, I THINK that was what she was saying, her conversation’s kind of hard to track.
Mykenna asks PP to show her how to dance, and he says, “I do this weird snap thing, and then an airwalk.” Whoa, that was some of the worst dancing I’ve ever seen. Definitely white boy dancing. What is with Pete constantly throwing girls up on tables and bars to make out with them? Neck problems? No chiro on set? Anyway, Sweet Syd gets the group date rose. Is it just me, or does she seem prepubescent? At least in her personality.
Cocktail party: Lexi goes off with Peter and is trying really hard to give off a Kirsten Stewart, ‘I’m super cool’ vibe. She’s succeeding. Peter tells her that he has some red hair in his beard and points to it so that Ginger Lexi will kiss it. She does, and they proceed to make out.
Kelsey sets up a champagne bottle and two glasses by the fireplace. Right when she’s going to grab sweet Pete to open the champagne, MyKenna snatches him. When she comes back, Kelsey let’s Mykenna know that was unfair. Kelsey, Miss Iowa 2017, is flipping out. Gurl, this is the way the game is played. You snooze, you lose. Go get him now instead of yelling at these other girls.
Next up, Madison and sweet Pete rekindle their romance. PP gives Madison a photo of him and his family, and honestly, Madison’s saccharine personality kind of makes my skin crawl. Can anyone be that sweet?? Her job is a foster parent recruiter. Her bio says, “Madison loves working with foster kids and wants to open an orphanage one day.” Has this girl run the pageant circuit? No, she’s the basketball player with the mean jump shot. Having been a BB player myself, I’m well aware of the competitive spirit of athletes. I’m sure Madison was smiling as she was elbowing someone in the teeth gathering a rebound…
On to Kelsey…what’s this? Hannah Ann and Peter find the champagne that Kelsey got for her birthday and has been saving for a year, and THEY pop it open! Now, friends, this is in the background of Kelsey talking with the other girls about how important this bottle of champagne is to her. How she’s been saving it for sweet Pete, how she can’t wait to share it with him, then all of a sudden, POP! Kelsey walks over to the unsuspecting Hannah Ann and Peter and upon spying the open champagne bottle, she starts bawling…her support team surrounds her to comfort her, but Kelsey runs off. Peter tries to entice her to come out of her room, but she doesn’t, so he goes back to Hannah Ann, who’s the one he really cares about anyway. At which point, Kelsey comes storming out of her room and confronts Hannah Ann yelling at her that Hannah Ann purposely stole Kelsey’s bottle.
Miraculously, another champagne bottle appears. (Thank you producers.) Kelsey settles down and decides to drink it with Peter. Peter pops it while all the girls clap for Kelsey. PP asks Kelsey if she wants to drink from the bottle or the glass, and she says “The bottle. I’m not a classy bitch all the time. “ He gives her the bottle, and people, I am wetting myself here, I can’t breathe I’m laughing so hard, the bubbly basically erupts in her mouth and sprays all over her face. You HAVE to see it! Sadly, I tried to Google it, but could not locate a clip.
More confrontation: Hannah Ann tries to talk to Kelsey, who tells her not to come near her. Hannah Ann, ever polite, says she respects her opinion and if that’s what she wants…then she goes on to say “I acknowledge your feelings….I’m going to tell you what, if Hannah Ann says she acknowledges anyone’s feelings again….What does that mean anyway? She’s said it three times now. I could care less if someone acknowledges my feelings. Acknowledge just means to “take notice of.” HA could have said, “I noticed your feelings.” Means nothing. I have spent WAY too long on this and need to move on.
Rose ceremony: Lauren, Courtney, and Payton go home.
Group date: Alexa, Mykenna, Lexi, Natasha, Victoria EFF, Hannah Ann, and Kelsey. Date care says, “Time to let your personalities shine.” Victoria EFF feels skeered. I am telling you, this girl is scared of nothing. Me no trusty. They go into a store called “Revolve.” Carson Kressly, Janice Dickinson, and someone involved in Revolve are there. Janice has had a LOT of plastic surgery. When I say a LOT, I don’t mean some. I am telling you, Michael Jackson, God rest his soul, had nothing on her.
The girls pick clothes that they are going to model for a runway show. EFF pretends like she’s getting all nervous and says she feels overwhelmed. Translation: “ I’m ALWAYS the lead act on the stripper stage. I’m usually sleeping with any man I meet, so competing with other gals isn’t my style.” Was that too mean? I get a bad vibe from her.
Runway show: All the girls look super cute, because let’s face it, they’re super cute girls. Hannah Ann comes out in a wedding gown. Mykenna looks like a Vegas showgirl. EFF says that PP knows her as the girl who “whispers,” and she’s about to change that. She steps up her game and dons a robe and teddy, then proceeds to make out with Sweet Pete on her way back down the runway. Meanwhile, Janice Dickinson is just trying to find one of them who could be a decent model. The final two in the runway show comes down to Hannah and Eff. Hannah keeps slapping Eff with her gown. EFF runs off crying and acting defenseless and fragile. PRODUCERS get her a tissue before she wipes her nose on that gown! Hannah Ann wins a ton of crap from Revolve. I just checked out www.revolve.com and there is some expensive stuff there! Whoa. Good on Hannah Ann.
PP is talking to EFF, who is pretending that she’s so mentally unstable that she doesn’t know if she can continue being there. I just feel this is all a bunch of BS. Pete tries to boost her ego. He asks her how she made it through the runway show. Um, alcohol. Alcohol is how she made it through the show. She would have made it anyway, though, because she’s a big faker. She cries and he consoles, and she’s fine and here to see another day.
PP goes to Kelsey with a bottle of champagne, which I hope puts an end to Champagne-gate. But I know it won’t be that easy. Flash over to Hannah Ann who says she feels as if she was being bullied by Kelsey. Bully is a word that is thrown around a little too much these days. Hannah Ann is fine. She begins tattle-telling on Kelsey by telling PP that she stayed up “all last night crying. ALL last night crying.” She also tells him she felt bullied. Pete makes out with her and tells her he REALLY likes her. That soothes HA a wee bit. She’s 23 years old going on 14. Pilot Pete goes out to give the group rose date. Both Hannah and Kelsey are feeling confident that they will get it. WRONG-O! The group date rose goes to EFF! Are you kidding me? That faker totally has Petey snowed.
PP then asks to speak to Kelsey. Hannah Ann’s plan is working perfectly. You can almost see her rubbing her hands together with delight. He addresses the bullying issue with Kelsey. I’m quite sure the producers MADE him address the bullying issue to keep ABC out of a potential lawsuit. Kelsey denies bullying Hannah Ann and tells Pete that she is not a bully, because she has been bullied in the past. (Because of course, you can NEVER BE a bully if you have been bullied yourself.) Oh Mylanta, we’ve all been bullied to one degree or another. GROW A PAIR. Also, I have googled the Webster’s dictionary definition of bullying, and it reads, “abuse and mistreatment of someone vulnerable by someone stronger, more powerful, etc.” Hannah Ann is anything but vulnerable. These girls are on an even playing field, so Kelsey is not stronger, ergo, Hannah Ann was not being bullied.
Next week: It doesn’t look like Champagne-gate is going away anytime soon. Hannah Ann is seen crying, “I am not a champagne stealer!!” LOTS more drama ahead, too. Pete’s mom crying, “Don’t let her go. Don’t let her go. Bring her home to us.” Peeps, from the previews, it looks like little Peter may be getting a lot of action this season. Conspiracy theory: Is it possible he has impregnated someone and that’s what mama is crying about? Talk amongst yourselves.
Outtake: Janice Dickinson is asking Natasha and EFF about the scoop in the house. Janice gives the good advice to them not to fart. If they have to fart, they are to cough over it. Does Janice think this is their first date? EVERYONE knows that.
Don’t forget to follow Jen and I on our YouTube channel “firstname.lastname@example.org” at https://youtu.be/XSmZKj80ZYM. We’ve got all kinds of bargains and tips for everyone! Everything from Teva to Tula is on there, and some Brazilian bum bum cream as well!! Murrell out!
I’m both happy and concerned that Pilot Pete is SOOO close to his parents. Personally, however, I would not appreciate a mother-in-law who claps excitedly when she finds out her son has slept with me four times in one evening. I mean, I’m happy that it’s the little things with her, don’t get me wrong; BUT, I don’t believe it would be a part of my life that I would want to share with my spouse’s mother.
Mom’s VERY emotional. I’m anxious to see who she’s talking about when she cries out, “DON’T let her go. Bring her home to us.” Wow, let’s break this down shall we?…First, I’ve been married to Marine Mike for 27 years, and I’m not quite sure his family has ever or would ever utter those words about me. Next, UNLESS she’s talking about Hannah Brown, Pete and his family have not known these girls for any length of time, so why is mom crying? Is it just clever editing? Did they lose their dog and they want Petey to do an aerial flyover of LA to locate it? It just seems odd to me. I’m sure mom is a very nice person though.
AND, you have to love that Hannah Brown came back and is rethinking her choices. Jed was SUCH a loser. His music SUCKED. (Sorry, but I calls ’em as I sees ’em.) She’d be a fool if she wasn’t regretting her decision to choose Jed. Tyler was a wonderful hunk of man meat. I loved him from the beginning. I often sit back with a bottle, I mean, glass, of Cook’s champagne (only the best for me) and wonder what life would have been like for Hannah if she had chosen Tyler. I ponder: Would Gigi H still have interfered? Or is Tyler so dedicated that he would have always only had eyes for Hannah? Would Hannah have talked Tyler into wearing his pants one size larger so his man-parts could breathe? We will never know the answers to those questions, my friends. Anyway, it’s shaping up to be a helluva season. Got to love it! Stay tuned Monday evening for my next recap!
I need to tell you about a little podcast I’ve been following for quite a while called “The Intergalactic Candycast.” Now, this isn’t for the faint of heart, as quite a few curse words are thrown around, BUT it WILL make you giggle. The guy’s got a unique thing going here. He does all kinds of characters within his show. He’s clever and witty. If you’re having relationship problems, he’s got some great answers! Give it a listen!! https://youtu.be/BN9wwX5WFKU
Also, this Friday, Jen and I will be vlogging some fun beauty and bargain tips. We’re just two regular ladies who love fashion and bargains and drinking our own personal T. We may not be the typical beauties that you normally see on a vlog, but trust me, you are going to LOVE us!! We will be posting more information about that soon!
Meanwhile, did everyone except me know that Sweet Pilot Pete lives with his parents?? Huh? He’s 28 years old. AND, he’s had sleepovers with girls at his parents house, and he says, and I’m quoting directly here, “I’ve brought girls home; and it’s NOT weird, and the next morning, I’ll wake up and the girl’s downstairs and making breakfast with my mom and they’re chatting it up, and that’s just the way it’s been…” Well, I’m thinkin’ Pete’s cornbread ain’t done in the middle, if you know what I mean, ‘cuz that just don’t seem right. If you want to look at Pete’s interview about this, (with his parents, btw), go to https://youtu.be/P0qUA5kNetI
Stay tuned for more Bachelor and other fun!!
Let’s set some house rules, shall we, friends? First, every time you hear the word “windmill,” take a little drinky. Second, every time Peter’s family sings or dances to a Cuban song, you have to grab a Mojito or an El Presidente and sip that beverage for all its worth. For those of you who are NOT in the know, like I am, an El Presidente is “a Cuban alcoholic drink made of rum, orange Curaçao, vermouth, and grenadine.” And don’t EVEN get me started if people mention the MILE HIGH CLUB. Just drink. A LOT.
Alexa: 27, caregiver and Vagina waxer (her words, not mine). She says she is ready to bare it all to Peter and she hopes he is ready to bare it all to her. Interesting word choice.
Hannah Ann: model. Dad loves Peter, and he’s excited and nervous about Peter already. It’s kind of cute that Dad has the hots for Petey.
Tammy: House Flipper. She’s also a wrestler and seems angry. I would not want to make her angry. She loves Peter, because he’s a pilot, and she’s a jetsetter.
Victoria Paul: 27, nurse. Dad died while she was young, and mom was an addict. Mom overcame addiction, so now they’re baking cookies at home together.
Kelly: 27, attorney. Lots of protective brothers.
Madison: won four state basketball championships, all coached by her father. I’m going to assume she started as a freshman, otherwise, she’s had some extra schooling.
Maurissa: Patient Care coordinator, Miss Montana Teen USA.
Before I start limo exits, may I just say that I was not foreseeing the number of times I would hear the girls say they want to be Pete’s “co-pilot?” Did he say that to Hannah? I don’t know why, but that hit me out of left field. I’m usually more on top of those kinds of things. Also, Pilot Pete looks darn good in a uniform.
Alayah: 24, gorgeous, hands Peter a letter written to him by her grandmother. I gotta say, that one is very touching. I’m digging her.
Sydney: 24, from Alabama, threw shade at Hannah Brown saying, “not all girls from Alabama make mistakes.” Or something goofy like that.
Hannah Ann: 28, we met her earlier.
Peter is sweating and muttering that he’s in trouble, as he lustily eyes the women entering the mansion.
Tiny Sarah is up next. She should not drink much; her tiny self couldn’t possibly handle it.
Lauren: 26, walks out in Catwoman’s evening wear; a blingy body suit that hugs every curve. Peter tells her she’s wearing a ‘power suit.’ Those are the exact same words that Batman said to Catwoman.
Victoria P: 27, comes out of the car and does the happy dance with Peter. As a man who loves to dance, he’s totally into it. She reminds me of Krystal. I’m not quite ready to trust her.
Next up, Mykenna, 22, fashion blogger. She’s walking around Peter, openly judging him, as if she is the Bachelorette and not the other way around. Move along, Mykenna.
Maurissa did a pinky promise with Peter and then started to dance with him. She needs to be careful, because her upper lady parts almost made a public appearance.
Kelsey: 28, Professional Clothier. What is a professional clothier, you might ask? Well, it is one who makes, sells, or deals in cloth. You’re welcome.
So, one of the Victoria’s Secret Angels is missing a pair of wings, but I just found them on Eunice, 23, a flight attendant. It’s funny, she thinks she’s different because she’s a flight attendant, but, of course, as soon as she says it, a bajillion other flight attendants show up, among them, Jade and Megan.
Madison: foster parent recruiter, comes riding in on a giant paper airplane.
Tammy and Shiann are next. Shiann hands Peter a barf bag.
Courtney, she of the giant mammaries, (I’m sorry friends, but they ARE, and she really needs a more supportive dress, trust me), comes hobbling in on a toy airplane.
Kiarra: 23, nanny, stows away inside a suitcase, which causes the other girls to cattily comment “Is she a co-pilot or is she baggage?” The claws are out, my peeps. #meangirls
Lexi drives up in a red convertible and a blue velvet dress. She tells Peter, “Clearly, I like to go fast, and I heard you do as well.” I only hope she’s not referring to his windmill performance, if you know what I mean….The catty girls inside are screaming “It’s an old car!” Right, it’s a vintage corvette, fools, worth more than most of you will make in five years.
Deandra is up next with a windmill strapped to her back. Take TWO drinks, since she dressed up like a windmill. I don’t think Peter is quite loving this.
Deandra’s entrance is followed by all the girls who want to comment on Peter’s four times in the windmill with Hannah. I literally cannot repeat some of the things these gals are saying. Payton gets out of the car and starts screaming “four times.??!” Other girls come out talking about four times,but I can’t even remember their names here. Victoria F comes up to Pete and says she “has a dry sense of humor, but that’s the only thing about her that’s dry.” Do these women literally have no shame? Are their mothers watching? Do you kiss your father with that mouth? Goodness.
Then Victoria F goes into the mansion and realizes that there is also a Victoria P. She starts vehemently saying, “I don’t wanna be Victoria Eff. I don’t wanna be Victoria Eff. That’s boom.” I don’t actually know what boom means in this context.
Jenna: 22, nursing student, brings along Ashley P, her emotional support cow, for Peter. So, some of these ladies are definitely not from the Midwest, as they cannot tell the difference between a cow and a “pony.” They’re looking out the window and start shouting that someone brought their “pony” with them. This cow does not even remotely look like a pony. Jenna clarifies that it’s a cow. Eunice no comprende, and Jenna has to also explain that the cow and the whole support animal thing is a joke. I pretty much got it from the beginning, but I’m quick like that.
Savannah: 27, realtor, is tying a blindfold on Peter so she can steal a kiss. She probably could have done it without the blindfold. He’s got loose lips.
Kelley, the attorney, confesses to Peter that she really didn’t want to do this, but then she saw Peter in a hotel lobby before she came and thought that was her sign from God to participate. She seems nice, and she IS an attorney, so she’s got that going for her.
Alexa, the aesthetician comes in, followed by Avonlea. Natasha is next, and she gives the impression that she’s done porn. It’s just a gut feeling people, but I’ve got it with her.
Okay, so right before commercial, WHO steps out of the limo, but Hannah Brown! I really love her, and WISH she were there for Peter, but I have a feeling she’s just there to give him advice…The women are screaming “NO!” Victoria EFF is about to lay an egg, she is cackling so much. I have a feeling we have met this season’s villain.
Hannah brought the wings back that Peter had given her, so that he could give them to his real co-pilot, since it’s not her. Classy move, Hannah B. (Ahh, that’s where the co-pilot thing comes in…)
Peter goes inside to meet the ladies. He tells the girls that he fell in love with Hannah Brown, but now he is looking for love again and taking a chance with THEM. You can feel the air rush back into the room, as the ladies breathe a collective sigh of relief.
Alayah and Peter read grandma’s letter, and it was super sweet. I’m hoping Peter is liking her as much as I do. I’m also hoping that whatever tape is holding her ta-tas in place continues to hold those puppies out of eyesight. The tape appears to be under some strain.
Maurissa’s ta-ta tape is also showing signs of collapse, and I feel her goodies are going to make a public appearance soon. Madison and Peter go out to throw the paper airplane she rode in on. Chris Harrison brings in the first impression rose, which prompts dramatic music and Deandra to utter the immortal words “It’s on. It’s on like Donkey Kong.” Is Donkey Kong ‘on’ that much? I don’t know.
Hannah Ann gives Peter a picture that she and her dad painted of the Smokey Mountains. I think Dad put a little extra love in his portion. Peter and Hannah start making out. Tammy makes her move and handcuffs Peter and proceeds to search him while he’s cuffed. Awkward.
Natasha, who I thought was into porn, says she is very reserved and likes to take her time with things. As she’s saying this, Mykenna starts throwing paper airplanes at them both. Peter nicely asks Mykenna to leave, and then she comes back like two seconds later throwing the planes again. I know I’m old, but it seems kind of juvenile to me. Natasha steps aside, then drags Madison’s GIANT paper airplane in, stating that it’s a gift and Mykenna needs to fly off on it. Mykenna and Pete starts to make out, but then we hear Natasha nearby, telling them to move it along.
This part of the night drives me a little crazy. The girls keep cutting each other off to try to spend more time with Peter. Hannah Ann thinks that the painting she gave Peter is like a free pass to make out with him whenever she wants. She’s interrupted him like three times now. Shiann is angry and crying and decides to confront Hannah Ann. Shiann tells her she wants her time with Peter and Hannah Ann says that she wants that for her too. An awkward silence ensues and poor Shiann says she can’t figure out if HA is serious, or if she actually means it. Methinks she does NOT mean it, but I could be wrong.
Meanwhile, some of the girls get more and more drunk. Victoria Eff reestablishes herself as a comedian by repeating her original “dry” line with Pilot Pete. Sadly, Peter did not remember what she said, and asks her to remind him. Victoria Eff, or Eff, as I will now call her, thought that she came up with the most original opening line, but I think it was just skanky. Pilot Pete wants some class in his wife.
Petey is giving Hannah Ann the first impression rose, and the other gals proclaim they are “totes jelly.” Chris H comes and gets Petey for the rose ceremony, so that Sweet Pete can start to put faces to names with whom he wants to send home.
Rose Ceremony: First to get a rose is Nurse Victoria P, followed by Madison, Kelley, Lexi, Savannah, Lauren -meow, Tammy, Alayah, Jasmine, Sydney, Natasha, Mykenna (who was about to blow a gasket if she didn’t get a rose), Deandre, Sarah, Alexa, Kelsey, Payton, Kiara, Courtney, Shiann, and Eff. ( I actually typed in her name BEFORE she received the rose, as I knew the producers could not let this one go.)
Allie and Maurissa and Katrina were let go. Katrina is particularly broken up by it. As a pro sports dancer, this may be her first encounter with rejection.
First Date Card: Hannah Ann, Kelley, Deandra, Shiann, Tammy, Courtney, Victoria P, Jasmine, and Eff are told on the date card to look up. Tammy, who could not tell a cow from a pony, said “What does ‘look up’ mean?” This girl’s synapses are not clicking. Uh, he’s a pilot, sister, look UP in the sky. The girls are going to flight school, taught by two women aviators. The gals are asked “how many feet would you be flying if you were in the mile high club?” Most of the girls put 30,000 feet. Only one put 5,280. Winner, winner, chicken dinner. Nurse Vicki gets motion sickness when she has to go on some kind of gyroscope. She has to vomit and runs to a gender neutral bathroom-thank goodness there was one available. Next, the gals have to run an obstacle course to take a sunset flight with Peter. Kelley wins and Shiann is crying like a whiney baby. AGAIN. These emotional women need to take it down a notch. This is how the show works. Grow a pair.
Back at the mansion, the girls are complaining that Kelley cheated. Okay, so to confirm, I played back the tape. In the obstacle course, Tammy is screaming at Kelley that she’s cheating, Kelley screams back that she isn’t meaning to, but Sweet Pete wants a date with Kelley, so he obviously didn’t really care if she cheated or not. The girls confront Kelley when she gets back, and she blows it off saying she really didn’t know the rules were that hard-fast about the course. I’m with her on this one. I’m sure she would have been called out if it would have been that important.
Nurse Vicki is wearing her glasses since she’s still experiencing motion sickness from the gyroscope. Her peepers are quite fashionable though. Peter gives her a bunch of flowers since she had told him that she has never received a flower from a man before. Okay, what’s going on with Peter and Kelly? I thought they just randomly ran into each other, but it sounds like they may have had an “encounter” as we call it in the Bach world. Or not, they literally just reenacted “meeting” in the hotel. Snooze. Of course, then he throws her up on the bar and starts making out with her. Kelley gets the group date rose. Shiann starts crying AGAIN. The producers need to make sure this girl is hydrated. She is losing a LOT of water with all these tears.
First one-on-one date: Peter takes Madison to his parent’s house to be present while his parents renew their vows. Whoa. You know, let’s digress a moment, shall we? I’ve asked Marine Mike to renew our vows, and he refuses. He says he meant it the first time, and there’s no need to do it again. That man’s a romantic, let me tell you. I really should have listened more carefully the first time…
Peter’s mom talks to Madison and says how much she likes Madison. Madison catches the vow renewal bouquet. Please, don’t even try to tell me that wasn’t planned. At my wedding, a girl, whose name escapes me, literally pushed other girls out of the way to catch my bouquet. It was a dangerous place to be. I have it on tape, people. VHS. You can’t tell me that there weren’t some fighters in Pete’s group.
Mads and Petey just got through telling each other how incredible they are, and then Petey gives Mads a pedicure by sticking his tongue all the way down her throat until he cleans her tiny toes with it. Petey has one more surprise for Mads, which can mean nothing other than being serenaded in song. Goodness gracious, Petey’s about to mount sweet Mads from behind. Calm down, man.
Another group date is announced and guess who’s part of it? None other than sweet Hannah Beast who recounts the wonderful bedtime story of her, Pete, and the windmill. Understandably, the girls are a little irritated that Hannah is there. I can totally agree with them.
What’s this? Hannah is crying in the back room and Peter comes to comfort her. Pete notes how weird this is, and he ain’t wrong. Does the Beast still have the feels for Pilot Pete? I was not expecting the show to go in this direction! They are leaving us with the impression that Pete and the Beast might have a reunion. Hannah, I love sweet Pete, but other things await you on the horizon. Move along, little girly.
After the rose: Chris H and Pilot Pete (Dare I call him PP?) reignite their flames with Ashley, the emotional support cow. Chris tells some cow jokes, like “Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? – Because they lactose.” I get it, do you? Murrell out.
To do a great right do a little wrong.— William Shakespeare.
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