Vaseline and Chapstick, Mykenna and her Tongue are calling your name!! #PilotPete #PeterParty

That girl has got to have some chapped areas where she keeps snakey-licking her mouth! The Bachelor ABC is providing an opportunity for you to market your product. Take it!

Also, could be wrong, but almost positive Mykenna’s a victim of Trichotillomania. Cognitive therapy may be required. I can’t quite tell, but I believe most of her bottom lashes are gone. Calling Dr. Phil!

Pete and the girls are in Santiago, Chile. Tammy is trying to let bygones be bygones. Mykenna has to get her two cents in as to why she needed to spend time with Peter at last night’s non-cocktail party. The rest of the gals are still irritated by her. I feel like if Pete really wanted to have spent time with you, he would have made time for you, Mykenna, but who am I to say. I just know it’s going to be one gigantic melt-down when he finally does let her go.

Pete asks Hannah Ann to go on a one-on-one date with him, and he starts speaking Spanish to her. He asks her if she understands. Umm, Peter, the girl said ‘finasco.’ She barely understands English. Of course, she doesn’t understand you. Pilot Pete and Hannah come across some drummers, and PP acts like he’s totally moved by the rhythm. He dances as usual. One would certainly get their cardio in when dating him.

HA and PP hike up a hill to a gorgeous church (I’m sure they were driven up), where HA reveals that she has never been in love with anyone before. This revelation sets PP on edge, because he doesn’t know if she will be able to fall in love with him. Well, Peter, there’s always a first time, right? PLUS, the girl’s like an infant, so she hasn’t had many opportunities for love. It doesn’t help that the Chilean couple they meet point out how young she looks, er, like that wasn’t planned.

PP and HA go to dinner and Peter asks her about previous relationships. She says she dated someone for three and a half years, and they cared for each other, but they weren’t in love. Hmm, that seems weird to me. Really? Hannah Ann HAD to have been a teenager, and teens fall in love at the drop of a hat. Peter is confused by her response and walks off. A few minutes later, HA starts wondering where he is, so she pulls out the one weapon that always works with Peter-TEARS and DRAMA. The second he sees her in tears, he runs off to get a rose for her. It’s really quite pathetic. Folks, I believe that me, a 57 year old pudgy woman with a heart of gold, could walk into that mansion, start crying, tell Peter that I want to vie for his love, and he would go find me a rose. STOP IT, PETER!!! I would ONLY be doing it for MORE followers!! Come ON!!

Meanwhile, two date cards come to the girl’s house. Mykenna, the fashion blogger, is going crazy again. The date card is read, and Mykenna’s on the group date. Oh, how she wants a one-on-one date!! EFF (remember, I call her EFF, cuz she was irritated that there was another Victoria and didn’t want to be Victoria EFF?) gets the one-on-one date. AGAIN.

Sweet Pete is having the gals record a telenovela, that’s Chilean for soap opera drama. Pete used to watch them with his granny. I feel like there was a LOT of female influence in Peter’s life.

In the telenovela, Kelly plays his grandmother; what is amusing there is that she’s wearing glasses on her face, AND on her head. I actually do that a LOT. Mykenna is the maid and she feels like it’s just another attempt to keep her in the background. She keeps complaining about it, but step up, girl. Flick out your snakey tongue, wrap it around his ankles and pull him towards you! The drama ends with the maid actually being Peter’s love interest, so Mykenna is happy. Honestly, I ask again,  is someone in production checking Tammy’s criminal background? She’s making comments like she will “stab anyone who’s in the way.” It’s a little scary.

Group cocktail party: Natasha says she has a good vibe about tonight. That can only mean doom. Peter walks in speaking Español. He’s quite pleased with his second language skills. He and Kelsey go to the back first and have a make out session. Victoria P tells everyone how excited she is to tell him she’s falling in love. They should have some dark music playing any time one of the gals expresses happy thoughts. Duh duh duh.

Victoria P is up next and she asks him if she can sit ON him. She asks him if he’s in a place to talk. She just wants to get back to where they were. Peter thanks her for that, as he thanks all of them for everything. His manners are impeccable. He basically tells her their relationship did take a step back. She starts making out with his hand, and surprisingly, he pulls away and  tells her that “maybe you are more secure and confident in us than I am.” Yikes, that don’t sound good. She asks him if he wants her to be there. He replies, “I don’t know if I see you as my wife, and I’m sorry about that.” She tells him she’s okay, but she’s worried for him. He apologizes to her again, but she tells him not to apologize to her, and then asks for a cab because she wants to go. He asks if he can walk her out, and she replies, “I don’t need you to walk me out.” He chases her down and tells her she will make someone SO happy one day, and she responds, “I know.” The confidence is amazing. BUT, it’s just a show for the cameras, because she drives away crying. Girlfriend, you got yourself in this predicament by lying about Alayah. Alayah would have gone down in flames all by herself, too. There was no reason you had to ride that train.

Madison comes back with Peter and asks him how he’s doing. He says very slowly and sadly, “It was really hard,” then ups the tempo and says, “BUT I knew she wasn’t my wife.” And the Madison make-out session begins.

Meanwhile, the drama unfolds on the girl’s couch. Mykenna says it’s the happiest day of her life, and Tammy immediately goes on the attack. I do NOT like Tammy. Tammy needs to worry about Tammy. Plus, she needs to take the combative wrestler role down a notch. Tammy and Mykenna are screaming at each other and Kelsey interjects and Tammy uses some foul language to ask Kelsey to butt out.

Madison breaks off the make-out session because she hears the screaming, but Peter is deeply into her and hears nothing until Madison points it out. Peter walks down and stops Mykenna who explains what the screaming was about. Peter is now handing out the group rose, and he gives it to Madison, who has him “feeling really, really excited about the future.”

One-on-one date with EFF: You know, I could ALMOST like EFF in-between dates, because she ALMOST seems normal. Then she gets with Peter and breaks out her little baby voice, and my skin starts to crawl. They ride horses and go to a horse show. They’re asked to come down and dance, and, of course, they make out.

EFF tells him she goes back and forth about her feels for him. He asks her if she thinks about leaving, and she replies that she doesn’t know. He tells her he’s feeling very strongly for her, but he wants her to be honest with herself and him and go if she needs to. Because let’s be real, he has the MAJOR hots for Madison, so, if we’re being honest here, Eff’s basically in his way.

They go to dinner, and  EFF plays her little seductive sad girl game, because she’s found Peter responds well to that. Peter asks her to let their love unfold organically. Well, he doesn’t use those terms, but that’s what he means. Then he says something profound, “Just talk to me. It’s just you and me. Just talk to me.” Just you and her, huh? And the cameraman, and producers, and probably Chris H hanging in the shadows (just kidding, he’s playing golf somewhere), but there’s plenty of people hanging around, and at least 150 people are watching the show. Usually, there would be more watching, but Pilot Pete, you’ve taken Bachelor down a dark hole.

EFF is creating major drama by saying she doesn’t know, but she might want to go home. She runs off crying and Pete, as usual sits moping around waiting for her. They both talk to producers about their feels. She tells the producer this is the most she’s ever been with anyone. Folks, let’s think about that statement. Pilot Pete and EFF have been on TWO dates. In my calculations, and I’m good at math, that means that she has never had more than a one-night stand. Yep, I went there.

Eff comes back and apologizes for her behavior, so Pete hurries up and gives her a rose before she changes her mind. Pete is worried that he’s not getting validation back from Eff and that scares him. If I had a dime for every time Petey was scared…Arrrrghh, GROW. A. PAIR.

The gals are discussing the cocktail party. A knock is heard at the door and a date card has arrived. A two-on-one date is announced for Mykenna and Tammy. Tammy says she’s sick of the Mykenna Show wasting her time with Peter. But, and I know we’re all thinking it, if it’s not Mykenna, who will be the next victim you throw under the bus, Tammy?

Mykenna and Tammy show up before the cocktail party and Peter asks them what’s going on with the two of them so he can be done with the drama. He takes Tammy off first. Tammy says Mykenna has shown her no reason that she is there for the right reasons. She says that Mykenna has created hashtags with her brand and she calls this the Mykenna Show.  Tammy tells Peter how serious she is about him. Peter asks where she thinks they are in their relationship. Tammy says there have been speedbumps, but she does care for him. One look at sweet Pete will tell you that he does NOT feel the same.

Peter asks Mykenna what’s going on, and she says that Tammy delights in bringing people down. Mykenna claims she’s totally into him, so Peter confronts her about the hashtag issue. I don’t know why, but she’s so distracting to me. I just cannot take Mykenna seriously. Anyway, Mykenna and Tammy are back on the couch, and Tammy gives M the advice to not lead with her emotions. Mykenna laughs and tells Tammy not to lead with her anger. To that, I say, “Touche.” Tammy replies, “I’m not an angry person.” False. That is a false statement. You have said you wanted to burn things and stab people during your time on the show. You are an angry elf.

Peter makes the decision to kick Tammy to the curb, telling Mykenna he believes her. Tammy rides away in the limo muttering, “I guess he just wants a trophy wife, and that’s not me. I’m not gonna change for a man.” Tammy, without any prompting or reason, you threw several people under the bus, so I definitely think you would change for a man.

Cocktail party rose ceremony: Pilot Pete talks to Natasha first, who asks him for some reassurance. He tells her he’s trying to cancel out the drama, so he hopes that helps Natasha to feel secure. They make out. Next up is Sydney. I did not see them make out. Kelsey and Petey talk amongst barrels of wine,  exactly where I would prefer to chat. They definitely make out. Eff apologizes again for her behavior the previous night. Petey says, “See what you just did just there? See what you just did? That’s all I wanted. You made me happy.”  It’s the little things that matter to Pilot Pete.

Rose Ceremony: Madison and EFF already have roses. Peter calls Kelsey first, followed by Natasha, and the final rose to Kelley. Mykenna makes a bulldog face and looks very confused. Sydney is sad, but she seems to exit with dignity. Now Mykenna approaches him, and sweet Pete, I would be careful that she isn’t palming a shiv. He’s safe, however, and Mykenna indulges in some self-therapy. “I is strong. I is powerful. I is important.” Mykenna’s going to make sure Mykenna’s fine.

Peter announces they are heading to Lima, Peru.

Outtakes: Peter LOVES meat. Eff is laughing because he’s SO into meat. She’s a vegetarian but says she will eat meat ONCE for Peter because he loves it so much. So much for her values. Bobs out.

Three Hours of Pilot Pete? We can do this!

In order to get through tres horas of sweet Pete, I’ve resorted to my all-time favorite beverage, a giant-sized bottle of Cook’s Champagne sans orange juice. You can’t beat straight Bubbly with some leftover Super Bowl 7-Layer dip, now, can you? Laptop-Check. Munchies-Check. Adult Beverage-Check. Time for launch….

Chris Harrison has tweeted me personally to let me know that the Iowa caucus election results will be intermingled with the show, but they will NOT INTERFERE WITH OUR VIEWING PLEASURE. Thanks for having our backs, Chris.

We’re still in Cleveland and everyone is upset that Alayah is back. Alayah’s bosom is making a national appearance in that black gown, and we now know why Pete is hot for Alayah. The girls are attacking Alayah while she sits quietly and takes it. Pete walks back into the room and grabs Alayah. He tells Alayah, “I don’t care what anyone in there says about you, I know you have an amazing heart,” as he stares lovingly at her bosom. Alayah’s trying hard to cry. Yes, TO cry. She’s secretly so pleased with herself for getting back on the show, though, that she can’t. But wait, even though PP has told her what a great person she is, he now tells her that he doesn’t want to put her back in the lion’s den, and so he needs to ask her to leave, and he walks her out. FINALLY, something that makes sense.

PP and Alayah walk past all the girls and Victoria P, who is about as nasty as they come, snarks that she doesn’t think she can deal with this. Then get yourself and your new nose on home, Vicki P, and don’t let the door hit you on the way out. PP comes in all deflated and says he’s doing this for the girls. Seriously, people, Pete just needs to man up. He should just walk in the house and politely say, “Ladies, last I checked, they picked me, Pilot Pete, as the Bachelor, not any of you floozies, so suck it up or hit the road. I’ll call you a limo.” Boo-yah, done. Respect restored.

Victoria P is holding her head as if she has a serious migraine. Or is she just mean-muggin’? PP takes Natasha back praising her for not leaving him and giving him a second chance. Ugh, stop being a wimp, Pete. Wussy is not a good color on you.

Oh Mylanta, now we have a parade of women giving Pete the whatnot. Or is it the what-for? Excuse me while I pull up The Andy Griffith Show to figure that out. One of the girls, maybe Deandra (?), keeps telling Petey, “This is wifey material. THIS. THIS is wifey material.” Uh, right. Telling someone you’re wifey material is usually all it takes.

Okay, this oral cleanse was just what the gals needed. They all seem to be purged of their hatefulness and ready to once again embrace a life with Pilot Pete. Rose ceremony: Pete does one last booty-kissing before he proceeds to hand out roses. Just a side note: Has anyone checked Tammy’s criminal record for arson? She just said, “If I don’t get a rose tonight, I’m going to set the building on fire.” Here’s hoping that Cleveland has their fire department on high alert.

Madison, Sydney, Natasha, Lexi, Hannah Ann, Shiann, Mykenna, Victoria P, Kelley, and Tammy get a rose. (EFF and Kelsey already had one.) Deandra, Savanna, and Kiarra do not. Deandra goes up to Peter and tells him how confused she is. Pete says, “It wasn’t easy for me, and nice to meet you.” That made me giggle. After the rose ceremony, PP tells them they are going to COSTA RICA!! The ladies scream, and there’s definitely a different vibe than when Cleveland, Ohio was announced.

Kelley is the voice of reason in all this. She says she loves traveling and she wants to spend time with Peter, but he’s dating several other girls (yeah, we’ve been watching), and she just wants to have fun. I have a feeling she scored the highest on the emotional IQ test the gals are given.

Here comes Pete to meet the girls with a big old wound on his head. Are you kidding me? This is the story Pete tells the girls about his injury? He says he met a puma on a trail and it attacked him? Nice, Pete. We know you’re not man enough for that. I love you, Petey, but you can’t trick me. Then he tells them the truth, and they show actual footage of what happened. The poor man was getting into a golf cart with a glass in his hand. He slams his head into the top of the cart and at the same time, slams the glass into his head as it bounces back and the glass breaks. Looks extremely painful and required 22 stitches.

Peter takes Sydney on the first date. Meanwhile we get a peek of Kelsey about to take a dive off the deep end. She doesn’t like Peter dating other girls, and she’s crying. Again.  Hmmm, maybe you shouldn’t have gone on the Bachelor then? Kelsey and Hannah Ann are discussing their feels about seeing PP date other women. It’s good to see they’ve moved past champagne-gate and are able to vent to each other.

Peter tells Sydney she’s mysterious, and Sydney’s like “Oh my gah, like, I get that, like, all the time.” Then Pete tells her she’s the best kisser, and she says, “Shut. Up. Say it again, say it again.” So, he says it again, and she screeches, “Stooooop!!” and then she lays her head against his stitches, and Pete almost starts crying from the pain. But then they make out, so everything’s okay.

Group date is announced: Shiann, Kelsey, Eff, Madison, Natasha, VP, Lexi, Hannah Ann, Tammy, and Mykenna. The motto on the card: Let’s capture our love today. It looks like Kelley is going on a one-on-one with Peter. Kelley is concerned that she doesn’t have a “sob story” to tell Pete so that he understands her better. I totally get that, Kelley. If I were you, though, I’d be making one up, quickly.

Sydney tells Peter she rarely sees her dad. Pete gives a heavy sigh. I don’t know if this is because he disapproves of a broken family or if he feels sorry for her. Syd then tells him about how she was bullied and called “Oreo girl” because she’s of mixed racial descent. Syd, the fishhook is tightly embedded in Pete’s mouth and now’s the time to reel him on in. He gives her a rose, and they go swimming, er, I mean, they make out in a pool and basically have outercourse on the deck. Yikes.

Back to Kelsey: Kelsey tells Tammy that she’ll never be okay with PP dating others. Tammy reasonably tells her that the dating is only temporary, and that it will end one day, because he has to choose one girl at the end. Kelsey says that it won’t get any easier for her, though, and proceeds to cry. Tammy thinks Peter should know how Kelsey has been acting since day one. Danger, Will Robinson, I would tread very lightly in telling Peter about another problem girl. He may not react as well as he did the first time….

Group date: Peter is taking the girls on a photo shoot for Cosmo. The Cosmo people are going to select one winner to appear on the cover with Peter. Hannah Ann feels like she’s got this locked up with her modeling experience and all. The girls run over to pick outfits, and Peter runs over to help them with their choices. Oh Pete, let the women choose their own outfits.

What is Victoria P wearing? I am not liking the high-waisted bikini bottoms. They just look funky. The photographer calls for more drama, so EFF steps up to the plate and starts making out with Petey. The other girls only wish they would have thought of it first, as they shoot eye darts of death at EFF. Of course, Eff wins the photo shoot, and she and Petey make out in front of the waterfall. Question: All’s Petey’s wearing is swim trunks. EFF and he are making out like there’s no one within a hundred mile radius. Does that not have some kind of effect on his manhood? You know what I’m saying? Talk amongst yourselves.

Group date cocktail party: Natasha announces that no drama happened on the group date. TRANSLATION: Some S*** about to go down at the cocktail party.  Pete goes with EFF first and the two continue their make out session. Next up, Hannah Ann is up, who wants to give Petey a hundred percent. A hundred percent of her tongue, that is, as it slides all the way down to the tips of his toes. Petey tells her she’s the cutest thing ever. Victoria P and Madison are up next and Pete is literally making out with EVERY one of them as if they are the last woman on earth and this is his last chance at a kiss. Kelsey is up next. She now takes Petey’s positive vibe and tries to bring it way down by telling him she doesn’t like him dating other people and she is falling in love with him. Petey just grins and tells her not to worry and makes out with her so that she doesn’t cry some more.  Meanwhile, Tammy is in the background telling everyone about how crazy Kelsey is and how Tammy should tell Peter. So, of course, she’s up next, and she tells Peter that Kelsey was having some kind of mental breakdown and drinking excessively. Why does Peter always believe the last thing that he hears? Then he runs off to grab that person to comfort his own mind, but he can’t ever figure things out. He grabs Kelsey and tells her that he heard she had a mental breakdown yesterday. She tells him, “I mean, I was emotional, but…” and here’s where things fall apart for her, because SHE STARTS TO HAVE A MENTAL BREAKDOWN. She somehow manages to regain her cool, but confronts the girls back on the couch, asking them who was the loser who told Peter she’s emotionally unstable. Awkward silence.

Kelsey lets everyone know she’s not ashamed of crying in front of people, she’s proud of it. Proud is a strong word, Kels. The other girls start talking, but Tammy remains conspicuously silent. Natasha lets Kels know that when she feels upset, she journals; she doesn’t drink to excess and cry. Other gals talk about their skills in handling drama, but Tammy sits silently and doesn’t say anything. She doesn’t admit to being the one that blabbed. Tammy, you present yourself as such a tough gal, you’re a wrestler who wants to burn down mansions, so own up to being the one to tell Pete about Kelsey’s instability. Ugh. Hannah Ann gets the group date rose.

Okay, why do I think this date will not work out well for Kelley? At first, I thought her healthy emphasis on having fun was a good thing, but now, she seems to be focused more on the date than on sweet Pete, and I’m worried she may be there more for the adventure than for any romantic reasons. Can I just say that Kelley’s red and white striped pants are NOT doing her any favors? Pete says he needs to see a LOT from Kelley today in order for her to continue. TRANSLATION: Kelley better be giving me some serious outercourse, or she’s packing her bags. Peter is trying to talk to Kelley about his feels, but Kelley is diverted by a lizard in the back of the room. Petey is visibly upset with her distractedness.

They’re doing some kind of voodoo thing. There’s a pendulum swinging over some heat, and Kelley asks  the pendulum if Peter and she are at the same places in their journey. The pendulum says “no.” Peter is very concerned. He leads her through this obstacle course and they make out at the end, but Peter says off-camera that he may have to let her go. I wonder if he ever thought about NOT making out with her then? I think not.

Meanwhile, Kelsey and Tammy are talking and Kelsey asks Tammy if she has a problem with her, because she’s sick of drama. LYING Tammy says, “I did talk to Peter about you, but it wasn’t about you, it was about me.” Kelsey rightfully surmises that does not make any sense. Tammy says it’s about ‘how she’s distracted about caring for others; that she’s not focusing on her relationship as much as she should.’ Then, Tammy, sweety, get your nose out of other people’s business and worry about yourself.

Tammy is really playing dirty and using all Kelsey’s words against her. Kelsey gets all upset, and I wish she was just stronger in that regard. I only wish that Kelsey wouldn’t let Tammy bother her, but she does, and Tammy just keeps digging the knife deeper and upsetting Kelsey more.

Peter and Kelley go to dinner, and Pete just seems done with her. He lets her know that their relationship is in a lull and Kelley has disappeared; Kelley agreed, but said she feels like she had no opportunities to be open with him. He claims that isn’t true. Peter asks Kelley why the shaman said they’re at different levels in their lives. Pick me, pick me! Peter, a shaman doesn’t really know what level the two of you are at in your lives, so maybe just ignore him.

Kelley basically tells him that the drama that Peter allowed to continue basically turned her off. Without using these exact words, Kelley tells him she needs a MAN in her life and doesn’t want a girly-man next to her like Pete’s been acting. She wants to be half of a power couple, and she doesn’t know if Pete has the power she needs. And because Pete is such a girly-man, he’s scared NOT to give her the rose, so he gives it to her. After the rose, they go to a hot spring and do what Pete does best, have outercourse. Annnnnd scene.

Back at the mansion, Tammy continues to snark about Kelsey. She’s telling everyone that Kelsey’s probably crying and that she’s emotionally unstable. While Tammy is saying this, of course, Kelsey is completely fine, not crying at all, putting on full makeup and heading over to see Pilot Pete. Kelsey goes to Pete and pleads her cause, making it clear that she is emotionally stable and is NOT a drunkard. Pete likes her so much he goes off and arranges with the producers to get her a rose, which he pulls out of the back of his shorts. If she sniffs that thing, I will wet myself! She accepts the rose, and heads back over to the mansion, where she confronts the girls with where she’s been and why she has the rose. She tells them that she talked to him and hopefully tonight will be smooth sailing. I’m not linking why the rose ceremony would be smooth sailing just because she has a rose, but obviously that’s bachelor-ese for just the opposite….

Question: How many bachelor girls can fit on a single couch? Apparently, all of them. Chris Harrison appears to tell the girls there will be no cocktail party and we are headed straight to the rose ceremony. They all ask why, and Chris tells them that Peter got the clarity he needed earlier today, and he doesn’t need a cocktail party for his decision. The girls are furious (with Kelsey). Mykenna flies off the handle and talks about how frustrated she is, but you know what I am finding odd? I do not see a single tear coming out of her eyes.

I guess Tammy’s telling everyone that Kelsey takes pills and drinks heavily. Kelsey says she takes Adderall and birth control pills. Tammy says she heard about the pills from Victoria P. Tammy is floundering here. Someone said it best when they said Tammy’s blaming other girls for her relationship with Peter not moving forward. I concur. But people, I could have told you all that a LONG time ago. Meanwhile, flash to Mykenna. Producers need to get her some Valium- stat.

Second rose ceremony of the evening: Pete starts to begin when Tammy stops him and asks if she can talk to him for a minute. She tells him that she hopes he would never think that the things she says come from a malicious place. I’m just wondering where else they would come from, but that’s me.

Meanwhile, Mykenna sees her chance to talk to Peter, so she strolls back and asks if she can steal him for a minute. Lexi sarcastically says, “I’ll go next since we’re having a cocktail party in the middle of the rose ceremony.” Peter comes back to them all and tells them to know that he’s following his heart. He gives the first rose to EFF, who I must say was surprisingly non-dramatic today. Next rose to Madison, followed by Natasha, Victoria P, Mykenna (who gives me an “I heart Charles Manson” vibe), and final rose to Tammy. I’m disappointed that Lexi did not get a rose. I liked her. Shiann didn’t get one either, but she was kind of forgettable. Lexi exited with dignity. Shiann left PP with the cryptic message that some of the girls in the house are not there for the right reasons. Peter utters his usual, “Wait, what?” I don’t know if he has trouble hearing, or he just doesn’t get it.

Outtakes: Deepthroat is silhouetted on camera with voice altering technology talking about Pete’s accident. He calls him the clumsiest bachelor they have ever had. Then Deepthroat is shown in the light, but still with his voice changed, and Deep throat is revealed to be Chris Harrison. Oh my, these producers are quite funny….Bobs out.

We’ve gone high-tech!! Yes, we invested in a remote control!! All new episode!!

Friends, we’ve got some great sales here from Target and Dillard’s! Join Jen and I for some outerwear highlights!!

Pilot Pete, Episode Recap, 1/27/20

Dear Readers,

Tonight, I’ve decided to go with a drink called the “Blue Hawaiian,”  as I would like nothing more than transporting myself to the islands, sunning on a beach in Hawaii, sipping an adult beverage, and reading the Enquirer. I’m a woman of simple tastes. For those who want to whip themselves up this delectable beverage, break out a taste of blue curacao,  a sip of pineapple juice, a spritz of coconut, and a large bottle of rum. For an appetizer, slide a slice of pineapple onto the edge of your glass, and you’re set for the night.

Friends, here’s a little scoop on ChampagneGate….In an interview with Extra TV (, Peter says that after the bottle of Champagne exploded all over Kelsey, he poured some over his own head in order to make her feel better. How sweet was that? Now on with the show…

We open with discussion of the rose ceremony and Alayah. Deandra keeps using the word bled. Alayah’s manipulativeness bled into the rose ceremony, it bled into the cocktail party. If it would have bled into the pool, I would have been out of there.

Victoria P is worried that Alayah went home because of her. Well, you certainly didn’t help matters, VP, but that remains to be seen.

Chris comes in and announces that there will not be a date. He says, “Ladies, it’s time to pack up.” At this point, the girls are gasping with excitement. “The first stop on this amazing journey that will literally take us around the world,” (here the girls are holding their hands to their hearts) “will begin in a city full of art, culture, and rock and roll,” (you can feel the air go out of the room as the ladies are about to scream at the top of their lungs because they know they’re heading on a plane to some exotic locale) “Peter’s going to meet you in CLEVELAND, OHIO!” The excitement just deflates, and there is an awkward pause.  Finally, Lexi regains her senses, and says, “Okay, well…” and starts to get off the couch. Then they all start to giggle and move to pack. Wow, HUGE LETDOWN, Chris.

The date card is opened and EFF gets the date. Yikes, this is going to be one drama filled episode. MyKenna is shown crying about not getting the date and how this would have been the best date for her because Peter is her dream guy and she wants her dream guy to notice her and blah, blah, blah. She’s the same chick who about had a meltdown last week at the rose ceremony. I have to agree with Marine Mike on this one, “I hate crybabies.”

So EFF has been crying this episode about how she hates heights. On the Cadillac ride to meet Peter, she is screeching that she hopes they don’t go sky-yiving (that’s the way the word sounds when she screeches it out.) Umm, Pete is a pilot, and this is NOT a secret to anyone. So, of course, the caddy pulls up next to Peter standing by a plane. They show EFF inside the Cadillac kicking the seats, saying, “No, no, Ah we sky-yiving? No! I can’t do this. I can’t go. I’m literally drooling, I can’t, like, breathe.” Then all of a sudden, she jumps out of the vehicle and says, “Hi!! How are you?” Then she starts running toward him, and in a baby voice, says “C’mere” and jumps up on him. NEW DRINKING GAME: Every time EFF says “No,” you have to drink. I’m telling you, there ain’t enough alcohol in the world to keep up with that game.

Peter tells EFF he is taking her to an amusement park. They hop off the plane and run to the gates. WHY are they running, btw? Take it easy and stroll to the gates, sweet Pete. Is it just me, or is EFF’s voice worse than nails on a chalkboard? The only correct answer to that is yes, it’s WAY worse than that. She has one of the whiniest voices in the WORLD. PP lets us know he has a surprise for EFF, that he’s taking her to a Chase Rice concert. Well, the tables are turned, because apparently Chase is EFF’s old boyfriend. SO, of course, Peter is on camera saying he feels like the luckiest man in the world and he’s so happy that EFF gets to experience this concert with him. Chase starts a song, and Pete’s all trying to make out with EFF, and she’s trying to act like she isn’t THAT into PP, because, let’s be real, she’s still into Chase. Now, see, that’s where EFF and I differ. Back in the day, when I broke up with someone, I got right back on that horse, and I would have been macking the new dude, just to make the old one jealous, am I right?

Anyway, EFF goes off to talk to a producer while PP talks to Chase. EFF tells the producer that Chase didn’t want her to go on the show. “He didn’t want me to go on the show. He told me not to go.” Meanwhile, Pete is all giddy talking to Chase. I think they may have made some plans for after PP drops Eff off.  Eff takes Chase off to the side, and says, “Umm, good concert though.  Umm, this is so awkward. Did you have any idea?” Chase is shaking his head no. In a page straight from UnReal, the producers really set these two up, huh? Kind of nasty there. Eff says to Chase, “I’ve got to tell him, because at the end of this, if we’re together, I don’t want to lie to him.” I’ll give her credit for that.

PP and Eff meet for dinner, and of course, Peter is still going on about Chase Rice and how great he is, and how he might be singing at Eff’s and his wedding one day. Sweet Pete, you need to calm down about old Chase. Victoria takes a big drink of alcohol and prepares to tell Peter that she dated Chase. She spills the beans, and Peter says, “Wait. What? Chase the singer?” which made me LOL, because how many Chases are around at that point? About now, I would think Peter would be cursing the producers, to be quite honest. Eff storms off to cry.

They flash back to the girls at the hotel, and another date is announced. Mykenna may require a straight jacket, as she is about to go off the deep end. She is praying she doesn’t get the group date because she wants a one-on-one, so we all know that means she will definitely be going on the group date. Mykenna IS on the group date and Kelsey gets the one-on-one.

Peter goes and comforts EFF, and they solve their problems as all problems should be solved, by making out. EFF says she thinks Peter is great because he accepted her at her lowest point. Really? Telling him that you’ve dated others prior to coming on the Bachelor is your lowest point? We all have pasts, surely Pilot Pete knows that. Seriously, Eff acts like she’s 12 years old. I asked Marine Mike if acting like a woman-child is actually appealing to men, and I get this dumb grin, with the answer, “Maybe at first.” Ugh.

Peter gives EFF the rose, and they dance the rest of the date away to some cello music.

Pilot Pete takes the group date girls to the Cleveland stadium to play some football. He brings some football players to help. Madison is all ‘bout this, and ready to show her competitive streak. Victoria P tells Peter she’s not going to football because her back is still hurting her, so PP asks her if he will help him from the sidelines. The girls are supes angry that Victoria is on the sidelines with Peter and he’s rubbing her back. Can’t say I blame them.

They begin their game. Marine Mike says, “It’s like watching a bunch of little first graders tackle each other.” He’s not wrong. You know how little kids just all go like a swarm to where the ball is? This is similar to that. Sweet Pete is very excited about this whole thing and chases them down the sidelines, motivating the teams through inspirational screaming.

The Bach cameras flash to the commentators and the female commentator looks like she just smelled cauliflower. She has a weird snarly smirky smile on her face. She doesn’t seem receptive to the Bachelor Bowl. However, one of the producers must have prodded her to be more enthusiastic, because after Deandra scored, she throws up her arms, and screams, “Touchdown!”

Cocktail party: The girls are all irritated because the game was tied, so all 13 are going to the party. They make jokes about blocking and tackling other girls, so that they can each have some time alone with Peter. Oddly enough, Victoria P grabs him first, even though she was making out with him on the sidelines the entire game. Now the catty comments begin…Shiann can’t believe they worked so hard on the field and VP did nothing but got to talk to Peter first. She now gets her turn to go back with Peter, and she’s crying to him about the lack of time they get to spend with him…..and, What’s this?? In the midst of everyone ragging about not getting enough time with Peter, Alayah walks into the room. Alayah tells Peter that Victoria P and her have been really good friends for a long time, that they went to Vegas together, and they talked all the time on the phone, and she was just shocked that VP back-stabbed her…This is obviously in opposition to what Victoria P says, who claims they’ve only spent like three hours together. Peter goes to confront Victoria P, telling her that Alayah is insisting they are friends. I seriously never understand why they don’t bring the women together and duke it out that way. Anyway, Pete goes to VP, and she says, “No, we as a group went to Vegas together, and we like hung out.” Peter says, “You DID go to Vegas together then? Because you told me you didn’t even know her, except for three hours.”

Okay, friends, my spidey senses were right from the beginning. VP is a lying Sacajawea. No offense to Sacajawea. When confronted with the truth, she starts ugly-crying and her festering piehole goes to the only positive sentences she knows and spews forth, “I just know there’s so much I want to share with you.” What?!!

Huh? Now Peter takes VP downstairs to confront Alayah and they hug like they have known each other for years.(Clue #1) Alayah says she just can’t get over the fact that someone who she trusted “bit her in the ass.” They converse like they have known each other quite awhile (Clue #2) At this point, it’s clear to see the two know each other, and even Peter catches on. He says, “Wait a minute, is there a relationship here?” (Ding, ding, ding, we have a winner!) The girls ignore Pete’s comment and Sweet Pete walks off.

Peter is freaked out that Victoria P is not who he thought she was. He acknowledges that he’s not deaf, he heard her say IN FRONT OF Alayah that they know each other, even after she told him they didn’t. Okay friends, Peter is sort of a wimp, I’m sorry if that offends, but it’s true. Peter goes up to Alayah and says, “Everything I’ve seen from you, I’ve loved so far. I had no reason to question or doubt you, but I did.” Dude, why would you let a bunch of mean girls talk you into something if you were really feeling a bond there? Although, in this case, I think the mean girls were spot on in their assessment. Then, he asks Alayah if she wants to come back. Friends, we could ALMOST have a drinking game for the number of times Peter asks someone to come back into the house. Alayah accepts the invite, and she and sweet Pete walk hand in hand to join the girls.

Once again, Peter apologizes to the girls that he didn’t have a chance to talk to them. Yeah, this is getting old. Then, in nothing less than the kiss of death, Peter gives Alayah the group date rose. The gals are not happy.

One on One date: Kelsey and Peter. Why, oh why, do the girls ALWAYS have to run and jump into Pete’s arms? Peter uttered a slight “umph” when Kelsey jumped into his. The girly man can’t take it. Anyway, Kelsey and Peter encounter some Polka musicians, but surprisingly do NOT know how to Polka. Peter, I thought you were half-German? Since they don’t polka, Peter teaches her how to two-step. Makes perfect sense. They then race against some children in a soap box derby and pull off a shocking win. Peter takes Kelsey to the riverfront for an adult beverage and tells her he wants to know all about her. Kelsey is quite lovely-looking, but of course, the first thing she talks about is how she got her qualities from her parents….divorce. Yep, her parent’s divorce. Her dad left his wedding ring on the table along with a note, in which he said “adios,” and headed to Mexico. Pete accepts Kelsey for who she is, making Kelsey’s heart burst with joy, then starts making out with her as fireworks go off in the background.

Back at the penthouse, Alayah continues to be the number one topic of conversation. EFF goes to confront her because Alayah had told all the girls that EFF had dated Chase Rice, and Eff wasn’t going to tell anyone that. Eff gives Alayah the what-for and Alayah responds with “It’s all over Al Gore’s amazing Internet. I thought everyone knew.” (I may have paraphrased some there.) Eff lets Alayah know that none of them have their phones, so how could they possibly know.

Peter enters the mansion for the rose ceremony. Whoa, he gets attacked by the women in the mansion for giving Alayah a rose. After he apologizes to them for not giving them their time, Peter asks to speak to Victoria P. She says she really doesn’t want to talk to him, but she will. He’s totally taken off guard, and says, “You don’t want to talk?” And she says, “No, but come on, I want to talk.” Huh? These gals are very confusing. A parade of girls come through chastising sweet Pete and EFF lets him know that Alayah ratted her out about Chase Rice. Alayah tries to explain herself to Pete, and he walks off. He loosens his tie because he’s having a panic-attack and he’s scared that all the women will leave him. Advice for PP: GROW A PAIR.

No rose ceremony. Lots of drama next week. Outtakes: Pilot Pete and EFF are shooting baskets. Pete can’t hit one. It’s sad. Bobs out.

The Goop Lab, Episode #3 Warning: This episode Not appropriate for anyone under the age of 40! And even then…

So, this episode is all about women’s privates. They bring in Betty Dodson, who schools us that a vagina is only the birth canal, and the vulva is all the fun stuff on the outside and that is what Betty is here to explore. Gwynnie and Elise vow to change their vocab to vulva henceforth. Gwyneth asks what happens in one of Betty’s classes, and Betty responds “Everyone gets off.” There’s another woman with Betty who let’s us know that when you come to a session, she answers the door naked, because she wants everyone to know she’s vulnerable, and then you come in and get naked because you have to be vulnerable, too.

Gwyneth then starts giggling that they will all be naked and says that she doesn’t know if she can do it.  The lady then quickly responds that there is “no judgment”in the classes, which causes Gwyn to change her tune. Gwyn profoundly says, “Shame stops us from doing a lot of things.” Mmm, is it shame? Or just common decency? I just don’t go around exposing my lady garden to the world. It’s just a line in the sand that I’ve drawn, you know?

A group of women is talking about how they don’t discuss their sexual preferences with their friends and how confining that is. This makes me giggle. Who talks about their sex life with other people?  These people need to get a job. There are other things to talk about besides your tinkle.  And your partner’s tinkle. Come on! Now they’re taking sensual self-portraits. One woman is holding two melons in front of her bosoms. Sort of redundant, right?

We’re back with Gwyneth and Betty and some other lady and they’re beginning to talk about genital shame. Where is Cersei Lannister when you need her, right? The lady with Betty relates stories of women who are so ashamed of their hoo-has that they are having their labia cut in order to look like teenage girls. Oh people, I can hardly listen to this. What in the world? I’ll be honest, if I saw my labia in a lineup, I could not identify them. I just assume they are normal and go on with my life. Folks, DO NOT WATCH THIS SHOW WITH CHILDREN. They started parading pictures of privates and I covered my face and started GAGGING. These were EXTREME closeups. I cannot un-see this.

Friends, you are just going to have to watch this yourself, although I do NOT encourage it. I can’t watch anymore. Let me state, I am not ashamed of being a woman or anything going on down in my private area. I just think that everything in the world does not need to be shared, unlike Gwynnie and the Goop group who have NO secrets. Watch if you must. Bobs out.

The Goop Lab, Episode 1: Psychedelic Therapy

Folks, Gwyneth Paltrow has struck my curiosity bone, so I’ve decided to give her show a chance. There are only six episodes, so hopefully, I can get through them all, but today, I start with #1…

The show opens on a preview of Gwyneth’s team traveling to Jamaica to take psychedelics, or ‘shrooms as the cool kids call it. We quickly revert to Gwyneth and Elise talking to two men; the first, a wise sage, and the other a swami touting the psychotherapeutic benefits of ‘shrooms. Gwyneth uses a LOT of big words to throw us off that she is sending her people to go on a crazy drug-filled road trip, but I’m on to her little game. Gwynnie is asking the Swami and Sage more about their program. How Gwyneth puts it: I would personally like to know more about the trajectory of using psychedelics as a healing modality. Translation: Dude, where do I get the ‘shrooms that will get me off on a great acid trip?

G picks a bunch of her people from Goop to experience the trip to Jamaica for the healing power the ‘shrooms will give them all. Here’s something not too healing…Elise, a producer, is riding in first class on the plane, while the others are not. That does not seem very Zen of Gwyneth to force her people to ride with the common folk. Elise flips them off as they are walking by. Mean.

Now G’s employees are in Jamaica discussing their reasons for taking the drug. Elise says, “I would like to understand myself in the context of the bigger universe.” Wow, these people are super deep. The guru tells her that she can’t do anything wrong, so she just needs to relax. I bet it feels so good to know it’s okay to just be you. Raise your hand if you already knew that. And if you didn’t know it, for goodness sake, just be you. Who else could you be anyway? Each employee is asked by the ‘shroom staff why they are there, and each of them want more meaning in their life.

Note to viewers: Psychedelics amplify painful memories and the swami, who by the way, I shall call Swami Rapunzel because his braided ponytail reaches his hips, lets us know that psychedelics must be taken in the right environment. DO NOT TAKE PSYCHEDELICS AT HOME. I’m glad I got that PSA out of the way.

The clinicians put the psychedelic in their tea, stating, “This is a sacrament, so we can be with the spirit of the mushroom.” They all sit their straight-faced. The spirit of the mushroom? I would have been on the floor laughing.

The guy directing everything tells them to let go of their name, job title, time, and gender. Why is letting go of your gender important? I honestly don’t think of my gender that much. If asked, I know how to answer, but other than that, nothing.

They show a case study of a guy who they gave MDMA to in order to help him with his PTSD. He says, “At first I didn’t believe it, but everyone said MDMA was cool, so why not?” Good attitude, buddy. He claims it has been successful in helping him with suicidal thoughts, so that’s a good thing.

Swami Rapunzel participated in a legal MDMA study, because he had to. Because he couldn’t ask his patients to do it if he hadn’t experienced it himself, right? At this point, Gwyneth says she needs some MDMA. Elise throws her under the bus, and says, “You took some once didn’t you?” So Gwyneth replies, “Yeah, I did. In Mexico. I was with my husband who is a deeply profound person, so he helped me through it.” Note to self: Must find a deeply profound person to accompany me on my Ecstasy journey.

Back to the employees taking the ‘shrooms. Some are giggling uncontrollably; some are giggling hysterically. I’ll be honest, I’m embarrassed for them.  It’s like being on a drunk jag and you wake up the next day regretting everything. I see that in store for them.

Another case study showed a young lady who bought copious amounts of ‘shrooms, put them into her freezer, then took them out on a every day and ground them into her smoothies in order to micro-dose psychedelics daily and feel better. She’s been doing it for six years. That girl’s a thinker.

Swami Rapunzel believes that emotions and memories are stored in our bodies and through psychedelic therapy, some of our problems can be cured. As I see these people crying and in pain, I’monna be honest with you, I’m taking a hard pass on the ‘shrooms. They’re all laying on the floor and staring lovingly at each other, which is great, but huh? I love my besties, but this is an experience I think I can do without.

Squirrel: You know what I’m noticing about Gwynnie, I think she has some majorly gray roots. Am I wrong? Is that just a cool Goop thing to do? Like, she’s going to age gracefully, and since Goop hasn’t come out with a hair dye product made from someone’s private parts, she’s not going to dye her hair?

Hold it, Gwyneth just showed how unconnected to the normal world she is. She let us know that people don’t understand that she, too, has had great trauma in her life, but due to the “Systemic cultural lack of connection” (Gwynnie’s words, not mine) people can’t understand that.

Elise, the producer, says that more work teams should share the mushroom experience. For a free trip to Jamaica, I may have to put in a request. Swami Rapunzel suggested that maybe Goop and MDMA could collaborate and do some professional development together, Gwyn says in her very droll voice, “Sounds like a Christmas party.” And they all throw back their heads and laugh.

Gwyneth is now talking to Kevin about his experience and telling him how “incredibly brave” he is. I’m lost here. SO, someone who has an all expense paid vacation to Jamaica to take psychedelic drugs is brave? Oh people, I know she’s talking about the fact that he wasn’t hugged as a child, but let’s get real here. We all have our issues. Life moves one way, and that’s forward. So point yourself in that direction and leave everything else behind. Bobs out.

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