The men are all sweaty and chatty about who will be the next Bachelorette. They claim to want to find love, but they’re concerned about who might walk through the door. Let’s think about that for a minute, shall we? The Bach doesn’t really deal with uggos, right? Not that everyone doesn’t have some beauty within themselves, but you know what I mean, huh? They aren’t sending a porky, but pleasant, 58 year old through that door; can I get a ‘Hell No’? Settle down boys. So Tayshia walks through the door and the men breathe a collective sigh of relief. Eazy wants to get out his spoon and fork, ‘cuz he looks like he’s about ready to eat her, she looks so fine.
All the men are chatting about how excited they are, and yes, one of them went there. He said, “She’s great, AND she’s closer to our age, too.” But he said that last part kind of low and really fast, almost a whisper, like, ‘she’sclosertoouragetoo.’ Because he’s politically correct and doesn’t want to offend us oldies; peeps, you know I’m right. Flash to Jason who is having mouth diarrhea because he can’t shut up about Clare, so he’s probably going to get kicked off. I would kick him off. You know you would too.
Chris Harrison steps in and tells Tayshia everything’s about to change, so cue the dramatic music, but it’s all good, because a limo pulls up with more guys. Spencer steps out first and he’s super-hot, but I can’t tell if he was actually expecting to see Clare, because he tells Tayshia she’s unexpected, so I don’t know what that means. He also goes in to meet the guys and asks, “Which one of you scared away Clare?” Touché, Spense. This bothers most of the boys who shake their heads, except for Kenny who wants to give him the first impression rose. Noah steps out of the limo, and am I wrong in saying that he has a cheesy mustache? It looks like it’s his first try at growing one. Awful.
Spencer grabs Tayshia first. He opens with telling her that he’s 30, and then asks her how old she is. In my day (picture me saying this with a shaky voice and leaning on a cane), you didn’t ask a lady how old she was. Whatevs, he’s really cute, so I’ll give him a pass. Yes, I’m shallow.
So Tayshia is proving completely different from Clare, she wants to get to know everyone and she’s trying to give all the guys some time, so they are probably really loving her. She gives the first impression rose to Spencer. Well played, Tayshia. Bennett proves ever the gentleman and tells Spencer congratulations. Blake is jonesing out over the fact that there is a rose ceremony, and he might be going home. Calm down, Blake. All will be well. Tayshia cancels the rose ceremony and just takes time to get to know the boys. Blake and the others live to see another day.
We cut to Chris who is interviewing Clare and Dale. First thing, Clare shows off her ring, and in her mind, you know she has convinced herself that Dale actually purchased that ring with his hard-earned cash instead of ABC and Neil Lane being involved. Dale walks out and Clare turns into the cat who swallowed the canary, and you can tell she thinks she’s all that and a bag of chips. Once again, the Bachelor couch turns into Clare’s personal therapy sofa, and she begins crying and telling Chris her tale of woe. I’m kind of over it. Chris asks them once again if they had contacted each other before the Bachelor, and they emphatically state “NO.” Clare says she tells Dale over and over and over again that she loves him. Dale responds, “She says it a LOT.” That kind of made me giggle.
I’m going to make a call here; I think Jordan C looks like Malcolm X. Is it just the glasses? I have no idea, but he does. Chris Harrison shows up. That man is earning his pay this season. He has been everywhere. Group date is announced. They head to the pool, where Tayshia arises like a phoenix out of the water to greet her bevy of boys. I guess it’s a group pool date. Friends, I love a pool more than most, however, to be one of many guys with only one girl seems like kind of a downer date. Out of nowhere, Chris Harrison appears (have they upped his salary?), and tells the guys they need to go change because they are going to play some splash ball (which is basketball in a pool). They have to change into speedos, which are just nasty, I don’t care how hot of a guy you are. Back in the water, Spencer is being super aggressive and flailing and clawing as if he’s a six year old who has no clue how to play the game. Riley gives him an elbow and Spence ends up with a bloody mouth. He kind of deserved it.
The blue team wins. I’m noticing they are all covering up their privates, but so is the green team. Speedos must not be their thing.
Cut to Jason who is crying about still not knowing if he would rather be with Clare. A knock is heard at the door for the first one on one date, and Jason is worried that it will be for him, and he doesn’t know if he’s ready. Full of yourself much, buddy? The date was for Brendan, so Jason lucked out.
Meanwhile, back at the group date cocktail party, Eazy is putting the heavy moves on Tayshia. He genuinely seems to like her, but friends, if my sources are correct, Eazy has some serious allegations against him that might affect his future on the show. What kind of allegations? I have no idea, but it doesn’t sound good. It’s too bad, because I’m kind of digging Eazy and I’m definitely digging his suits.
In another area of the cocktail party, Kenny and Riley go off on Spencer and basically tell him he’s acting like a douche. They feel like they’ve paid their dues with Clare, and he needs to back off while they schmooze Tayshia. I think they’re being a little unfair, because when Tayshia walked in, they were all new to her, so she doesn’t know Spencer any more than she knows any of the other ones. Poor Spense isn’t really getting their vibe either.
Jason is walking around like Moaning Myrtle. I’m screaming in my mind, “Just go HOME, Jason.” He starts crying when the other guys tell him how great he is. Then he lets us all know that for some reason he still has feelings for Clare. DUDE, she is with another man, bid her adieu. He walks over to Tayshia’s pad to tell her that he’s leaving. Tayshia is SUPER sweet to him, and he’s actually super sweet about the whole thing, but he’s just being an idiot for not giving her a chance. He comes back to the other guys, and mutters these legendary words, “Uhh, it just got really real.” The other guys gasp out a “NO,” and Jason goes on his merry way.
I’m going to stop and take a moment to say that I am LOVING Tayshia as the Bachelorette. She is already a BILLION times better than Clare. I think she is just enjoying the whole process, so good for her.
So Tayshia and Brendan go on the first date, and they’re horseback riding, and to make it seem as if they’re riding through a town, Chris Harrison shows up on the way as the bartender, ice cream vendor, and coconut water provider. It provides some comic relief, but people, Chris is doing more work this season than he’s done in the last 18 years of the show. The man is a worker.
Brendan and Tayshia are now having dinner, and he tells her he has some baggage to unpack, and he lays on her that he’s been married before, and they tried to work things out, but ultimately she didn’t want kids and he really does, so adios ex-wife. Tayshia shares her marital strife story and both she and Brendan bond over their past crappy marriages. Brendan does seem like a super-sweet guy. I didn’t think he was all that handsome, but his personality is growing on me, so I give him two thumbs up. Fireworks go off, and we end the show on a happy note.
The outtakes show Bennett and a guy whose name escapes me talking about Noah’s sleazy mustache, while we get flashes of Noah combing it. I told you it was awful. Murrell out.