Tonight, I sit here with a delicious mimosa and a pitcher of refills! It’s not just a morning drink! Let Clare and the games begin!
Clare is so excited at the “Quality” of men that showed up last night. Translation: She loves that ABC picked a bunch of hot, young hunks so that she can’t go wrong at Fantasy Suite time. Oh goodness, all the guys are standing together in a 15X20 room talking to Chris H; it’s got COVID disaster written all over it. A bunch of gorgeous guys could be wiped out in one fell swoop. That makes me sad.
Group data announced: What the what? A bunch of these studs are wearing various shades of pink. They’re totally supporting the ta-tas. I forgot that the dates have to all be within the resort. They like walk over to another set of rooms for their travel. The date is to talk about love languages. The first thing they are doing is saying words of affirmation to Clare. Peeps, how embarrassing would this have to be? Words of affirmation are NOT my love language. I already know how great I am, I don’t need no stranger telling me. However, when Dale steps up, Clare’s about ready to jump off that balcony and straddle him. She is eating this up.
The next love language is gifts. All of a sudden the guys are running to their rooms and grabbing Clare a gift. They’re giving her some very personal stuff. One of the guys gives her a baseball from the last game he played. If I were his mom, I would be having words with him. As Clare, I would have a hard time accepting their stuff. One guy gave her an old t-shirt though. I would have taken that.
Now we’re at the language of touch. Clare is blindfolded and the men have to put on a blindfold when they walk up to her. Do the producers believe this will heighten their sense of touch? No one cares, because the men are all over her, and they all seem super horny (can I say horny?) claiming that they haven’t touched anyone since quarantine. #MeToo has been thrown out the window this season, as Clare is getting felt up more than an avocado in the produce section. Dale approaches her and they basically have outercourse; I don’t even want to know what’s going down in their nether regions.
Finally, we’re at the language of quality time. Aren’t we missing a love language somewhere? I thought there were 5. Anywho, WAIT, was that awkward or what? Clare was kind of waiting for one of the guys to ask to talk to her, and no one steps up. Finally, Bennett asks her, BUT he tells her, and THIS is funny, that they all just had such a good time being with each other, that they didn’t want anything to change. MAJOR BURN!! So she’s sitting there talking to Bennett and getting more and more enraged that the guys didn’t all jump to take her in the back to talk to her. EGO much? So she comes storming out to the front and yells at the guys because they didn’t all jump up. Between you and me, we might be witnessing why Clare hasn’t been able to remain in a relationship. CRAZY just reared its ugly head. But her white knight, Dale, comes to her rescue and rushes her off to talk to her. Clare tells him he scares her, and he repeats, “I scare you?” and in this weird whispery voice, she says “Yeahhhhh.” SO he comforts her and they make out and all is well in Bachelorette world once again.
After Dale, Clare is opening up to some rando guy whose name I don’t even know, and he asks her how she came to be on this journey, and Clare shares that she came on the show because she was in an abusive relationship and she kept going back to this loser, so she came on the show because she didn’t want to do that anymore. Hmmm, I had no idea. So, she’s judging every guy by that standard. Clare REALLY likes to talk and hasn’t stopped. She should seriously let the guys get a word in edgewise. Riley gets the group date rose, and all the guys are confused by this. I’m a bit confused as well. He did the prom dance and all, but was that such a standout move? Me thinks not.
Yosef emerges as a villain, saying he didn’t really appreciate the way she came out balls to the wall (okay, those are my words), and he may just have to confront her about that, since she’s not turning out to be the person he thought she was. Right, you just go ahead and do that, Yo. Makes perfect sense. Buh-bye, Yosef.
Jason, the former pro-football player, is chosen for the solo date. He announces that he used to weigh 325 pounds and he has lost 105 pounds. Good for you, dude. He’s as cute as he can be. Clare is talking and talking and talking and talking on their date. She tells Jase that she makes people laugh and talks in order to cover up pain, and she’s wondering if he does the same. Amazingly, he says they sound exactly alike. I call bull hockey. Sweet Jase is going to say anything to hopefully get a fantasy suite date one day. He’s looking extremely uncomfortable about the next part of their date where they have to write words that describe the mean things people have said about them. I have a little tip. Just make up some lies that no one has ever said about you. It’s really no one’s business. For example, I could list things like ‘weird, different, humorless, or ugly.” Never happened, so I couldn’t get all emotional about it, see?
Peeps, this show is seeming like one giant therapy session, and it’s starting to get on my nerves. I’m more of a “suck It up, buttercup” type of person, you know? No one needs to hear my crap. We’ve all been through things, and this life moves one way, and that way is forward, so I rarely look back. I mean, unless I’ve had a few Vodka Collins or something, then I might look back. Yikes, Jason has just profusely vomited words all over Clare and he needs to take a breath. But Clare gives as good as she takes, and they are now vomiting words all over each other. These two are meant to be.
Clare’s now burning her Juan Pablo dress, which is a beautiful metaphor for letting go of her nasty past with JP. I’d have let that crap go many moons ago, and worn that dress to a family reunion or to mow the grass.
Next group date: Dodge ball. The interesting thing is it’s going to be STRIP dodgeball. I love seeing a good package as much as the next gal, but playing dodgeball naked seems like it could lead to pain. Demar just made me LOL. He said, “She want to see my man goodies tonight…” We all do, Demar, we all do. Chris Harrison sits on the sidelines making ball jokes, if you know what I mean. We’re down to the blue team playing in their jock straps. Black boxes are everywhere on the screen, and I sit here sipping my mimosa, waiting for one to slip. I lead a sad life.
Ha, the guys from the losing dodgeball team come wandering into their hotel rooms wearing only their jockstraps. One funny guy goes to sit in the middle of like four guys on the couch, and it’s like the parting of the Red Sea, they move apart so fast. Good times.
Eazy makes the first move at the group date after party. He takes Clare in the back and starts rubbing her feet. Nice. Here’s the ONLY problem with Eazy. He’s 29. For those of you not mathematically inclined, that’s ten years younger than Clare. I kind of think that’s a lot. But maybe it’s just me. There’s a few of them that are 29, and I really don’t get that. They should have got guys 34 or above in my opinion.
We keep flashing to Blake Moynes, who needs to take a chill pill. He’s very concerned that he didn’t get any extra time with Clare, and now he’s setting off on his own to get some extra time with her, even though he was on the losing dodgeball team. Cue another awkward moment. Jay’s already talking with Clare, and Blake asks him if he can talk to her for just 5 minutes. Jay says, “Uh, Didn’t you lose?” I was totally with Jay, but Clare looked like she wanted to talk to Blake, so Jay leaves, and goes and rats out Blake to the rest of the boys, who decide to be men and march over to Clare to broadcast their anger. Blake approaches it from the angle that he wanted to show Clare he has big balls, but the guys shout that he’s just a poor loser. I know nothing about the size of Blake’s balls, but they are not wrong.
Brandon, a real estate agent, and he of the large hair, is now talking to Clare and tells her that he signed up for the show because Clare was the Bachelorette, and she’s so beautiful and gorgeous. She then asks him what he knows about her, and you hear the crickets chirping, because the guy has no clue what to say. So Clare basically asks him if he’s only there for her looks, and he really has nothing to say, but then he comes up with, “Look, I feel that connection, and I know you feel it with me, too.” Clare responds that ACTUALLY, she does NOT feel that connection, and she sends him home. Good for you, Clare. He seemed rather creepy and had WAY too much hair on top of his head. Chasen gets the group date rose.
Everyone’s back home now, and the guys are asking what happened with Brandon. Chasen tells them that Clare said, “I’ve had guys with good looks, and I’m not here for just that, I want more than that.” Prompt villain music as Yo starts to speak: “I know what I would have said if she asked me that. I would have said, I liked you a lot more before you humiliated me.” Yosef goes on to say that he would have NEVER stripped and it was classless that she made the guys strip in Dodgeball, and he couldn’t risk his daughter watching it, to which I say, Why is your daughter watching the Bachelor anyway? Put on some Disney Jr or something, dude. And Yo, if you would have thought for ONE second that Clare was interested in you, you would have stripped naked and ran around the entire resort singing the tune to “Friends” while wearing your jock strap on your head. Let’s be real.
Clare takes Blake in the back and gives him a rose BECAUSE he interrupted her group date. The guys are burning with jealousy and have now declared ‘no rules of engagement.’ All bets are off folks, and Clare, who really only has eyes for Dale, strolls off with him on her arm. Once again, she pours out her heart to Dale, and he knows the exact words to comfort her, until she finally shuts him up by shoving her tongue down his throat all the way to his penny loafers. Now she takes him behind some bushes and blindfolds him, so that she can experience the language of touch. They speak it fluently.
Closing montage: Bennett has a HUGE suite, which apparently he is paying for himself, and DeMar knocks on the door to get a tour. The two of them stroll through his accommodations and apply face masks while sitting around the hot tub. These guys love each other. Murrell out.