FINALLY!! CLARE is here as the Bachelorette!!
Oh goodness friends, the day is finally here!! Normally, I would have a Sam’s Club sized bottle of Cook’s Champagne sitting next to me, but I need to be all in for this show. So off to Dairy Queen I went to order a Turtle Pecan Cluster Blizzard made with chocolate ice cream. Life is good, and I am wishing the best for our sweet Clare.
Of course, Chris H opens with COVID talk, but you know what I don’t want to hear about? You got it-COVID. This is my chance to escape the real world, and I want to pretend, just for these two hours, like COVID doesn’t exist. Okay, we GET it ABC, you took every precaution in making sure no one has the COVID. Was it really necessary to drive that home quite so much? I would have settled for a disclaimer at the commercial breaks: No one was harmed in the making of this TV show. See how easy that was?
Okay, so we’re meeting a few of the guys, and the one that interests me is the one that looks like Liam Hemsworth, because I loves me some Hemsworth brothers. He’s the guy that’s driving with his dog if that helps. Another guy looks like Joe Pesci in Goodfellas. Well, his hair does anyway. I’m getting an Italian pompadour vibe. Dale, the one we’ve heard a LOT about, is majorly hot. Friends, we are 26 minutes into this show and they’re STILL talking about the COVID, or COVA, as my sainted mother calls it. Flash to the Harvard guy, who’s a big douche. He says by dropping the H-bomb (Hah-vahd), he impresses a lot of people. To that I say, “Harvard Guy, the people you surround yourself with are easily impressed.”
Hopefully, we’re getting down to business, because now the guys are coming out of the limos. The first limo has a bunch of jackhole football players, because they yell “One, two, three, hut, CLARE!” This ain’t Monday night football, boys. Slow your roll.
Ben comes out of the limo and asks Clare to take a deep breath with him. He calms her and she says that was much needed. That was easy enough.
Riley Christian is out next. He’s an attorney who finds Clare guilty of the crime of looking beautiful in her dress. Zac C is an addiction specialist. He looks a little like a young Pat Riley from the Los Angeles Lakers. What’s this? A giant man just stepped out of the limo. How did all those guys fit in there? Clare’s like 5’ 5” according to some rando internet source, and this guy is easily a foot taller. His name is Jordan M, and apparently he’s wearing some fancy velvet shoes. Okay, friends, Clare is beautiful, don’t even get me wrong, but next to some of these guys, she’s looking every bit her age. Jordan looks like he could be her kid brother.
Jason, a FORMER pro football player, comes out pretending like he’s pregnant because Clare pretended like she was pregnant for Juan Pablo. Fun times. Here’s what’s NOT funny though, when their occupation lists them as a FORMER pro football player, and no current job is shown. Ivan comes up and he’s an aeronautical engineer. Now THAT’s impressive. Here comes Tyler in a station wagon from Morgantown, WV. You know who else is from Morgantown? Don Knotts, he of Barney Fife fame. I’m here to entertain and inform, people.
The next guy, Bennett, pulls up in a Rolls Royce and a white scarf, and the boys are all a tutter. Tutter isn’t probably a word, but I feel like it’s a cross between a-twitter and flutter and it makes sense to me. Bennett has a very chiseled Pierce Brosnan vibe, but he seems like a real douchecanoe. That’s what I’m feeling in my bones anyway.
Blake Moynes steps out of the limo and he’s a little too giddy for me. I’m old school, where you want a man who looks like he’d tie you up, throw you over his horse, and carry you away, you know? Or at least tie you up. AJ gets out of the limo in a maroon suit, and squeezes Clare’s hands so hard that she literally shouts out from pain. The guy never even notices and she literally has cuts on her hands! What in the world? He goes on and on about usually making a bad first impression and saying that he hopes he doesn’t make one with her. Completely oblivious to the fact that the woman now requires medical attention.
The next guy comes popping through a sign that says “Your Future Husband” in a pink suit, which oddly becomes him, and his name is Eazy. Eazy looks like a man who would take control, so I’m kind of digging him.
The next guy comes out in a straitjacket. Dudes need to get hold of themselves. Now we have one in armor. Another guy came in with a parachute and says he’s fallen for her already. Ed comes in a hamster ball. Yosef brings her some moon pies. Jordan is the classiest guy of all when he opens a ring box and it farts. Really, dude? Brandon needs the skills of a beautician-stat. Please thin out some of that hair piled on top of his head. His neck is leaning like the Tower of Pisa under the weight.
Dale walks out, and he’s quite hot. I like his voice and he looks like a normal nice person with an extra hot bod. When he walks away, Clare mutters the immortal words, “I definitely feel like I just met my husband.” Okay, she’s going a little overboard as if she’s ready to quit and marry Dale right then. I hear her, however, Clare kind of always falls immediately for someone (please see Bachelor Winter Games). And it hasn’t ended well for her yet.
She’s now walking into the mansion to meet all the guys, and Bennett’s in the back with a shit-eating grin on his face like he’s got this all wrapped up. Bennett, my Spidey senses tell me you do NOT have it all wrapped up.
The guys sit around talking about how great Clare is, which I feel revokes their man-cards just a bit, and also I wish the one guy would take off his straitjacket. A) It looks uncomfortable, and B) it ceased to be funny one minute into the bit, if it ever was.
Does Dale have the nicest teeth or what? Don’t you just want to lick them? Or is that just me? Bennett’s walking around with his Pierce Brosnan scarf on feeling no need to engage Clare, because he’s a little too good for that. He’s over telling the bartender he likes his martini “shaken, not stirred.”
Jason is talking to Clare, and he is despondent when she tells him she hasn’t seen ‘My Cousin Vinny.’ He recovers when she says she likes the outdoors and he vows to spend oodles of time outdoors with her. Yosef vows to get the first impression rose and throws out the “I’m a single dad card.” But what’s this? Cue ‘Jaws’ music. Tyler says he knows some secrets about our friend Yo, and he is not afraid to share that info if he has to. Tyler appears to be a decent man, so he calls Yo off to the side and tells him that some chick is texting him about Yo and how she seems to think Yo’s into her. Yo denies it and says it’s not true and then, like any good teenage girl, runs to Clare to head off the storm. Clare, who is wise, goes and gets Tyler C so the three of them can talk together. FINALLY, a bachelorette who is trying to discover the truth. The sad things is, Tyler seemed to try to talk to the guy like a decent human being instead of a tattling teenage girl, and Yo is kind of stabbing him in the back. Cut to the guy in the straitjacket, can we PLEASE get him out of that?
More drama? No. Clare tells Blake that she appreciated him breaking the rules to contact her before the show. She actually praised him for it. Blake looks a little like James Corden, and I’m not impressed. I’m trying to figure out the guy who looked like Liam Hemsworth though. Was it Blake? I’m not seeing it so much anymore if it was him. Is it possible that James Corden is like six degrees of separation from Liam Hemsworth? Nah.
Dale gets the first impression rose, and she lets him know that she wants more of him. I’ll bet she does. And my guess is what she wants to see involves some naked buttocks and a feather bed. You KNOW I’m right.
Okay, I literally just LOL’d. Kenny came on because he’s mad that he didn’t get any time with Clare, and when I looked at his occupation, it said “Boy Band Manager.” Okay, does he refuse to manage girls? Does he manage several boy bands? No solo artists allowed? Anyway, I just want to tell Kenny that if he goes home, it may have nothing to do with the fact that she didn’t talk to you. Just sayin.’
First called is Blake, and yes, I’m seeing Liam Hemsworth again, with just a splash of James Corden. I just have to figure out if that’s a good thing. Next is EazyPeazy. Can I call him that? Then Ben, Riley, Zach J, Tyler S, Joe, Jason, Demar (who was just whining about not getting a chance to talk to her), Chasen, Jordan C, Blake Moynar, Kenny the Boy Band Manager, Brendan, Garin, Ed, Bennett (Pierce Brosnan), Zach C, Jay, Brandon, and Ivan. The Final Rose goes to………….are you kidding me? YOSEF. I would have chosen Tyler C or the super tall guy over him. Ick. Yosef’s a tw**waffle. Page is funny because he’s talking about how he didn’t have a chance to connect with Clare. I’m going out on a limb here, but could the fact that his body is COVERED in tats have ANYTHING to do with her not picking him? Some chicks are into that, but maybe Clare isn’t one of them?
Final scene: Clare and Chris try to carry off the suit of armor, and Chris walks away with everything. We all know Chris has people to do that. Murrell out.