The Bachelor presents, “Listen to your Heart”

We open with the Bach and Bachelorettes waking to the joy of being in the mansion for another day.

Trevor says to Brandon that he’s sure Brandon wants to “kick it” with Savannah more. Brandon says he’s grateful for her rose, but he wants to “kick it” with a lot of girls. OF course you do. You are a Marine scout sniper with a healthy lust for women. Makes perfect sense. Show the next one your bullet and continue to win hearts.

Chris Harrison walks in and lets them know more dates are coming and more women are heading in. He leaves, telling them to “Listen to their hearts.” Julie says she’s vibing with Sheridan, but she wants to vibe with some other men as well. Of course you do, don’t we all? If I had a nickel for every man I’ve vibed with…

So Jamie gets the first date, which is weird, because she was just on a date with Ryan, but she picks Trevor and they go to Venice Beach, which Trevor says is like home to him. Trev, is that because of your fondness for funnel cakes? Or do you crave the Bohemian homeless lifestyle that Venice offers?  

They now chat up how they got into music. Folks, isn’t everyone into music? Like little kids are always dancing and feeling the vibe. Have you ever seen a little kid start jiving to a beat? Best thing ever. Anyway, Jamie just said she sees a connection, but she doesn’t know about the musical connection. The connection Jamie is seeing is more of a hot tub connection. Trevor lets her know he can do the guitar and he will support her throughout their song. Trevor is such a sacrificial lamb. They’re singing “I Got a Girl Crush” and when it comes to the part that says, “I want to taste her lips,” guess what happens? Trevor does. He tastes her lips.

New girl Natascha comes in and lets us know she is 33,  and she is looking for a grown ass man and her baby daddy. You know someone is serious  about marriage when they are looking for their baby daddy and a grown ass man. I’m sure it will be a church wedding for her. Natascha is gorgeous and all the women are threatened. She lets us know she does pop music because she’s Chilean and French. Makes sense.

Natascha finds out that Trevor is on a date with Jamie. The name Trevor rings a bell with her, because of course, there are probably only one or two Trevors in Los Angeles, and she lets everyone knows that she knows Trevor’s ex and there were indiscretions and that’s why they broke up. Cue Jamie saying how much she trusts Trevor and telling him how every guy she’s ever dated has cheated on her. Cue Trev letting Jamie know that he only stayed with his ex because he didn’t want to hurt her, not mentioning a thing about cheating. 

Natasha sure does know how to run her lips. She acts like she knows/cares about our young Jamie, when, huh? Shut your lips and get to work on the song you’re going to record, ‘tascha. There’s a thought. All the girls are worrying about Jamie, and Natascha gleefully states, “I can’t wait to meet her.” She tells the girls she’s going to confront Trevor, so this should be interesting.

Natascha tells Trevor she knows him and she’d like to talk to him. Trevor tries to tell her he’ll talk to her later, but she insists on talking now. She takes him to the back and tells him that she’s Sierra’s friend and she knows he cheated on her. Natascha is accusing him of all kinds of things. He says he did not physically cheat on Sierra; he only emotionally cheated on her. Natascha says that’s worse. Well, maybe it is for Sierra, but would it make that much of a difference to Jamie? Here’s another thing, why is he continuing to talk to Natasha? He owes her nothing!  I would have just told her to contact my friend Nunya for further information. She can be found in the phone book under Nunya Beeswax. Am I right?

Meanwhile, the girls spill the T to Jamie, and she gets all upset because for the thousandth time she cries, “Every guy I’ve ever dated cheats on ME-WAAAAAH.”  This chick needs to calm down. A) he didn’t cheat on YOU. B) Let’s hear Trev out. C) it was an emotional cheat that wasn’t on YOU. D) YOU weren’t involved with him at all when this happened. E) you’ve known him for like 24 hours, so chill.

Bri gets the next date and asks Chris out. What has happened to today’s men? They are always talking about their feels. I liked it better when they hid their feels. But that’s just me. Marine Mike is very stoic. I don’t know if he even has feels.

Bri and Chris go to the Guitar Center, which must be a musician thing, because it’s doing nothing for me. Bri is literally skeletal. Also, she needs her eyebrows done. Everyone is talking about how happy Bri and Chris are which means the poop is about to go down. Bri says she doesn’t know how to communicate with her men except through song. I told Marine Mike I would start communicating to him through song, and he rudely said, “Please don’t.” That was hurtful.

Bri wants to sing something moody and raw with Chris. Now she’s telling Chris about her broken engagement and how she was out shopping for her wedding dress and she called her fiancée to tell him she found the perfect dress, and he called her back and said, “Don’t buy it.” She says that was cruel, but friends, I’m thinking it was actually kind. She didn’t have to lay out a lot of money for a dress that she wasn’t going to use. He could have waited until she bought it and her parents paid for the wedding. He was doing her a favor.  Who is this guy? I like the way he handles himself. Rip that band-aid right off.

Anyway, after she’s done, she turns to Chris and tells him she knows she just dropped a lot on him, but she thinks she’s falling in love with him. He tells her thank you, which is usually the kiss of death, but then he tells her he thinks he’s falling for her, too. Happiness ensues.

Trevor comes in to talk to Jamie about his conversation with Natascha. He admits to Jamie that there was some emotional cheating and his ex found test messages from another girl. I wonder how emotional the cheating got. Did he give a sad emoji after the words, “Man, I wish I could touch your boobies.” Or like a heart-y eyes, kissy lips emoji followed by, “I got a girl crush…” Anyway, he tells Jamie he doesn’t feel a connection with anyone else but her. She collapses into his arms, but she tells him she’s not feeling safe. Jamie, you are a baby.  There will be plenty of other men. You really need to not get so upset. Okay, so Trev tells her that he would hate for her to dump him for something that happened almost two years ago. I have to agree with Trevor there. Jamie rolls the dice and is going to take a shot with Trev.

Mel and Julia are talking about Brandon. Brandon makes Mel’s brain “crunch” and she really wants to go out on a date with him. I love when men make my brain crunch. Sheridan gets the next date card and asks Julia out on a date. Julia confesses to us all that she has cystic fibrosis which has been a deterrent in past relationships, but that’s all we hear of that. Sheridan is going all in and feels like they will either be a couple by the end of this date or not. We shall see.

Sheridan and Julia head to iHeart media and are doing the radio show, Valentine in the Morning. Never heard of it, but I’m sure it’s big in LA. I personally wish that Sheridan appeared better groomed. He probably IS groomed, but he doesn’t APPEAR like he is, you know? Poor Sheridan, Julia just admitted on the radio to kissing others on the show. Sheridan has not been with anyone else.

Rudi is talking to Matt, because she has no hope of getting a rose and is now regretting her aggressive confrontation with him. He accepts her apology and now she’s all over him.  I mean, she has dated like EVERY guy in LA, so she has experience on how to handle men. Obviously, when you have nothing to say, shoving your tongue down his throat and grabbing his crotch is a great go-to move.

Back to Julia and Sheridan who are about to perform on the radio. Julia’s singing and Sher keeps trying to hold her hand, and Julia keeps yanking it away, but that could be because she’s really emoting to her music, right? They both sing really well. Sheridan is falling more in love with her by the second and then he gets a little kissy for a reward.

Back at the mansion, two more women walk in. Rudi feels like it’s over for her. Brandon seems to be in high demand, which is so odd to me. Folks, he kind of looks like the bad guy in Grease. You know, the one that dated Cha Cha? Unattractive, except in a bad boy ‘come ravage me’ kind of way, except our friend, Brandon, doesn’t even have the bad boy vibe going for him.  Mel is crushing hard on Brandon. He lets her know that physical touch is his love language. She responds that she hopes he knows that if she shakes his hand that is her way of expressing her love. Savannah gets the date card and poor Mel is crying and runs off. Poor Mel, I think you are overestimating Brandon’s charm, sweet girl. There will be others that are better, trust me. May I direct you to the enlisted men’s club at Del Mar on Camp Pendleton? The sky’s the limit there, sweetie.

Savannah and Brandon are trying to make a connection in a jazz club. Savannah lets Brandon know that she’s never asked a guy on a date before. Also Savannah: Was it just yesterday that we were saying we were both going to talk to other people? Because now I think things have solidified for me. Brandon lies and tells Savannah that he finds himself wanting to spend more and more time with her. LIAR!!

Sheridan and Julia come back and she discovers that Brandon is out with Savannah. She’s very concerned the two will be connecting. Cue the jazz club where Savannah and Brandon are connecting via “Fever” and feeling electricity and positive vibes all at the same time.

The next morning, Julia comes to Sheridan and tells him she’s totally stressed and wants to be transparent with him. Folks, that is never a good sign. If someone is going to be transparent with you, it is not good news. She tells him she would still like to work on things with Brandon. Sweet Sheridan, you’ve just been friend-zoned. My heart breaks for you.

Sweet Chris comes into remind everyone to start your hookups because the rose ceremony is happening shortly. He leaves with the immortal and expectant words, “Listen to your Heart.” Mel immediately corners Brandon, and for a chick whose love language is NOT touch, she is all over this guy making out with him.

Now Brandon’s with Julia and she lets him know she’s torn between him and Sheridan, AND she’s looking for THE one. Here’s a little hint, Julia, I don’t think Brandon is THE one. I think he’s there for a hookup and a music contract. Brandon starts to talk about his connection with Savannah and how much he likes HER. Cue the drama, because Julia immediately throws poor Savannah under the bus, and tells Brandon how Savannah’s kind of cold, even as Brandon repeats that he’s really interested in Savannah. Julia grabs his face and shoves her tongue down to his loafers. Does anyone else smell desperation?

Speaking of desperation, fast forward to Rudi who’s doing some speed dating to see how many guys’ mouths her tongue can find a home in in under 5 minutes. It’s a cry for help as she has no idea if she will be a rose recipient.

Rose Ceremony: People, God bless Savannah, but she has the tackiest choice in dresses. She’s beautiful with a passing resemblance to Bo Derek, but she needs a stylist STAT. Poor Rudi has had WAY too much to drink, so I’m glad she’s on the bottom level of the risers for the ceremony.

Rose Breakdown:

Chris gives rose to Bri

Trevor gives rose to Jamie

Matt gives rose to Rudi, who is almost too drunk to accept

Ryan gives rose to Natascha, guaranteeing a few more weeks of drama

Danny gives rose to Bekah, (who are these two?)

Brandon gives rose to Savannah (Julia seriously thought it was going to her)

Gabe gives rose to Ruby, seriously? She’s a newbie and doesn’t seem to be his type.

Sheridan gives rose to Julia, why Sheridan? Why? She’s not interested in you, friend

Julia lets us know that Brandon just approached her and said, “Good, you’re still here, we’ll work this out.” What a loser. Julia feels like she’s back to square one. I would have felt totally liberated from any Brandon feelings at that point, because my loser radar would have put me on high alert. Until next week, Listen to Your Heart, friends. Murrell out.

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