The Bachelor Finale!! Goodbye, Pilot Pete!!

Finally, the Bachelor FUN-ale!!!

I am loaded up with Logan’s cheese fries and some Cook’s Champagne. I’m telling you, if I hear Barb caterwauling over her 28 year old son FINALLY making a decision on his own, I may go right through the TV and grab her by the throat….

What’s this? Kelly’s in the audience? Why does Chris say it’s important that she’s here??? Goodness, the drama. Uh oh, they just flashed to Barb. She has a new ‘do and does NOT look happy. Does that mean Pete’s with Madison? Stay tuned….

PWeb is jogging through the outback, sweating up a storm. He finds Neil Lane out there, and Pete tells Neil with a giant poop-eating grin on his face that he’s choosing Hannah Ann because he’s so happy. Peter then calls Mr. Sluss and asks Hannah Ann’s dad if he can marry Hannah…OH PEOPLE, this is NOT looking good at ALL!! I mean, if this were the true outcome, why play it the way it’s been played in the previews?? Yiii, for the first time, I’m actually feeling sorry for Hannah Ann….She walks out on her balcony looking quite lovely in a pseudo wedding dress. She IS in deep thought, however, which for Hannah Ann could mean she’s thinking about yesterday’s lunch.

Peter goes to the rose ceremony. OH THE TWISTS AND TURNS!! Chris approaches him and tells him that he doesn’t know if HANNAH ANN is going to show up. Someone get the smelling salts, STAT! Sweet Pete is about to pass out! He goes inside to lay down and take a rest. Tricky Chris comes back to tell Petey Hannah Ann IS coming. Were they just playing a mean trick on Peter? What in the world? Let’s drink every time PWeb cries or gets confused in this episode, shall we? I hope my gallon of champagne is enough!

Hannah Ann is distraught about continuing her journey to Peter. She says in her heart she knows their love is really strong, but she wants to make sure she is the one he really loves. When she gets close to Peter, he giddily takes her in his arms and begins to sob (drink). I really believe he is just so grateful that she showed up that he will willingly marry the woman for that small act of kindness alone. PP was so worried that he would be the first Bachelor in history who none of the women wanted, and he just can’t handle it. That’s never happened, right? Honestly, the way he is carrying on with her, it’s quite embarrassing.

He starts off saying, “Hey Hannah Ann….” The ‘Hey’ just really bugged me. I don’t know. Maybe he just stuttered saying “Ha..Hannah Ann.” Anyway, he tells her he loves her, and she responds by saying, “Oh, you picked me?” Friends, am I the only one who thinks she’s really thinking “What in the world have I got myself into?” She SAYS all the right things, but I just don’t think she’s thinking them.  Okay, here’s the deal. There’s like an hour and a half left in the show…..Not to mention Barb’s disappointed face….more twists and turns to come…

Sweet Pete goes to tell his family about his happy ending. Barb starts shaking and crying. Barb immediately talks about how much they have missed him. “We missed your smile, we missed your hellos, we missed your goodbyes…” Peter sits down to tell them who he is engaged to, and Barb is about ready to pass out. Seriously, I hope The Bachelor has a serious investment in smelling salts, because Barb is in near hysterics. Peter makes his announcement and Barb literally almost has a seizure. It’s painful to watch. She immediately calls Hannah Ann her daughter. Then we cut back to the live show and Barb still does not look happy at all. Is she THAT good of an actress?? What is going on?

Peter comes out to talk to Chris H. Hannah Ann comes out to visit Peter in LA. I’m telling you, folks, I have never had a good feeling about Hannah Ann, and I am now drinking to calm my mounting fears about what she’s going to say. She tells Peter how hard it’s been, and Okay, who doesn’t see this coming, despite the fact that Petey keeps reassuring her that he’s fallen in love with her and he loves her. THEN WHAT IS THE PROBLEM, PETER??? Hannah Ann says she said yes to him so that they can be partners and work through things together. Wait a minute, Hannah Ann seems to make sense. Now, I’m the one who’s confused. How is Peter telling her that he loves her, but then he’s telling her he loves someone else, too, and can’t give her his entire heart. Peter’s the one who’s screwing the pooch! This man talks out of both sides of his mouth. Pete thinks that by telling everyone exactly what they want to hear, he’s covered all the bases and no one can be mad and no one can get hurt. Hannah Ann stands up to him and unexpectedly, I am completely on her side!! The Bachelor is full of surprises tonight.

Hannah Ann runs to the toilet and Peter grovels to her apologizing about how sorry he is. She replies, “Imagine me.” Then basically throws the ring in his face and yells at him for taking the pleasure of her first engagement away. Pete keeps saying how sorry he is, and Hannah Ann asks why he’s sorry. When Pete doesn’t give a good enough answer, she comes up with this STELLAR response, “For not being man enough to follow through with your words? For not being true to who you are and not being true to your words and your feelings?” People, I am totally on HA’s side in this. HOWEVER, Peter has proven what a CLASS A wimp he is this entire season. He has not been able to make up his mind over one thing. He probably has a hard time deciding his dinner menu. What made Hannah Ann think he was going to definitively make up his mind now? PLUS, in the words of the immortal Will Shakespeare, “methinks she doth protest too much.” Didn’t someone else on the Bachelor say those exact words of “taking her first engagement away?? Was it BKoof?? Clare Crawley? I’m telling you; Hannah Ann is not being totally honest here. But she is playing it for all she’s worth, and she’s kind of winning.

She calls Peter out for being “poor, tormented Peter.” Tells him that she doesn’t need someone who’s conflicted all the time, then tells him in a nasty whispery voice that they are done, and “I mean that.” At this announcement, Barb claps. Barb is PO’d at Peter BIG TIME. It’s time for Hannah Ann to make a big exit, but she keeps finding mean things to say to Petey and never leaves. He actually holds her hand and walks her out the door. He puts her in the car and tries to lean in for some parting words, but Hannah Ann pulls up the ole “talking to the hand” and tells him to leave.

We fast forward to Peter on the couch with Chris. Hannah Ann is waiting backstage. Peter tells Chris it was tearing his heart out to do that to Hannah Ann because she is the most beautiful soul he’s ever met. Does Peter ever say anything halfway? No. It’s either the MOST Beautiful or the MOST fantastic or the MOST….but you get my drift, right? All I can say is BARB IS PISSED. I have known women like Barb. They can act like they’re the most happy and loving women until they don’t get what they want. Many years ago in banking, I worked with one of those crazies. It was scary. Hannah Ann walks onstage, and it’s the first time that Barb has appeared happy. She is a big HA supporter. Barb is vigorously applauding and nodding at anything that comes out of Hannah Ann’s mouth.

Hannah Ann lets Peter have it with both barrels. He deserves it, God knows. She calls him out for using his words just to keep her around. I concur. Did Prosecutor Kelly brief Hannah Ann on what to say? HA is amazingly coherent tonight. Pete STILL does not understand how his words have an impact on people, because he keeps feeding HA his baloney, but WHAT??? Hannah Ann tells him, “If you want to be with a woman, you need to become a REAL MAN.” BURN!! I hope someone on the Bachelor set is standing by with a fire extinguisher! Yikes, sweet Petey needs some aloe vera!

Next, Chris H goes to Auburn, Alabama to see Madison. They have a small screen of Barb down in the corner, and I am telling you, if looks could kill, Madi should be wearing a bullet-proof vest right now. Whoa, Barb, what has made you hate Madi so? I feel like some sort of demon is possessing you right now.

Madison regrets leaving Peter and asks Chris what happened after she left. Chris tells her that Peter got engaged. Then he tells MP that Peter has no idea that Chris is talking to Madi, and that Peter is now single and he ended his engagement. Sweet Madi asks if Peter is okay, which is super kind of her. Chris asks if she’s in love with Peter. She tells him that she fell in love with him, but she doesn’t know how Peter feels. Chris tells her that Peter has kept her in his heart, and he ended his engagement because of his feelings for Madison. Chris tells her Peter’s dream would be to be with her. Mt. Barb is about ready to erupt. Why does Madison bother Barb so much? Madi says she would love a second chance with Peter and heads to LA with Chris.

Madi meets Peter at his house and asks if they can talk. Peter looks over his shoulder to see if Barb is coming out of the house so that he can provide a human shield for Madi if needed. They talk about their feels for each other. Peter tells her he made a million mistakes as the Bachelor, but he knows he fell in love with her. BUT, if he’s being fair, he told Hannah Ann that he loved her as well. And Victoria….

Peter has not seen Madison since she met him at his house. He does confirm that he loves Madison. Madison comes walking out in a gorgeous pink dress, which looks lovely next to her tanned skin. The audience claps as she walks out, but Barb looks on cold and silent. She’s like the Night King in Game of Thrones. Chris asks the two of them how this will end. Peter says he loves her and he rambles some more. Chris says, “Do you want to give this relationship a shot?” Peter rambles some more, saying whatever that means, and whatever this turns into….and THEN we turn to Barb.

Barb starts spilling the scoop on how Madison made them wait three hours before Madison came in to meet the family and how Madison didn’t apologize for that and when she asked Madison if she loved her son, Madison said no, and that she wouldn’t accept a proposal in four days, and she did not have a connection with Madison like she did with Hannah Ann. Madison sits there smiling…

When we return from the break, Madison has a chance to defend herself, and to her credit, she does NOT attack Barb and is very humble and says she would never say a negative word about any of them. At this, Barb leans over and whispers something into her husband’s ear and then continues to glare icily at Madison. Madison then asks Peter what he thinks, and the Giant Wuss stands up for his family, and I want to slap him, but then he stands up for Madison. What’s this? Barb is rambling about how Madison cut into Peter’s moment with her ultimatum and she had no right. Madison has now decided to break her silence pact. She tells Barb she disagrees with her, because it wasn’t just Peter’s journey, it was HER journey as well.  Indeed it was, Madi Prew.

Chris asks Barb how they can make this work, and Barb says, “He’s going to have to FAIL to succeed.” She is SOOO rude. Peter FINALLY finds his balls and tells his family that he LOVES Madison and they are going to have to leave him alone and trust him. Thank you, Peter. Someone get a gag for Barb. I don’t wanna hear her no more.

Chris says he wishes Peter and Madison the best. Madison says this is only something she and Peter should be talking about and no one else. GO Madi P!

In a fun change of pace from the endless drama that is Peter, they bring out Clare Crawley!! We get to see Clare’s long ago good-bye to Juan Pablo, and as I look at the man I thought I loved, I’m thinking he stayed in the tanning bed too long. I’m glad she moved on. I will be watching on Monday, May 18.

Friends, I kept thinking there was going to be some fabulous ending. This ending left me disappointed, deflated and discouraged, like much of the rest of the season.…until May, my friends! Bobs out!

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