Vaseline and Chapstick, Mykenna and her Tongue are calling your name!! #PilotPete #PeterParty

That girl has got to have some chapped areas where she keeps snakey-licking her mouth! The Bachelor ABC is providing an opportunity for you to market your product. Take it!

Also, could be wrong, but almost positive Mykenna’s a victim of Trichotillomania. Cognitive therapy may be required. I can’t quite tell, but I believe most of her bottom lashes are gone. Calling Dr. Phil!

Pete and the girls are in Santiago, Chile. Tammy is trying to let bygones be bygones. Mykenna has to get her two cents in as to why she needed to spend time with Peter at last night’s non-cocktail party. The rest of the gals are still irritated by her. I feel like if Pete really wanted to have spent time with you, he would have made time for you, Mykenna, but who am I to say. I just know it’s going to be one gigantic melt-down when he finally does let her go.

Pete asks Hannah Ann to go on a one-on-one date with him, and he starts speaking Spanish to her. He asks her if she understands. Umm, Peter, the girl said ‘finasco.’ She barely understands English. Of course, she doesn’t understand you. Pilot Pete and Hannah come across some drummers, and PP acts like he’s totally moved by the rhythm. He dances as usual. One would certainly get their cardio in when dating him.

HA and PP hike up a hill to a gorgeous church (I’m sure they were driven up), where HA reveals that she has never been in love with anyone before. This revelation sets PP on edge, because he doesn’t know if she will be able to fall in love with him. Well, Peter, there’s always a first time, right? PLUS, the girl’s like an infant, so she hasn’t had many opportunities for love. It doesn’t help that the Chilean couple they meet point out how young she looks, er, like that wasn’t planned.

PP and HA go to dinner and Peter asks her about previous relationships. She says she dated someone for three and a half years, and they cared for each other, but they weren’t in love. Hmm, that seems weird to me. Really? Hannah Ann HAD to have been a teenager, and teens fall in love at the drop of a hat. Peter is confused by her response and walks off. A few minutes later, HA starts wondering where he is, so she pulls out the one weapon that always works with Peter-TEARS and DRAMA. The second he sees her in tears, he runs off to get a rose for her. It’s really quite pathetic. Folks, I believe that me, a 57 year old pudgy woman with a heart of gold, could walk into that mansion, start crying, tell Peter that I want to vie for his love, and he would go find me a rose. STOP IT, PETER!!! I would ONLY be doing it for MORE followers!! Come ON!!

Meanwhile, two date cards come to the girl’s house. Mykenna, the fashion blogger, is going crazy again. The date card is read, and Mykenna’s on the group date. Oh, how she wants a one-on-one date!! EFF (remember, I call her EFF, cuz she was irritated that there was another Victoria and didn’t want to be Victoria EFF?) gets the one-on-one date. AGAIN.

Sweet Pete is having the gals record a telenovela, that’s Chilean for soap opera drama. Pete used to watch them with his granny. I feel like there was a LOT of female influence in Peter’s life.

In the telenovela, Kelly plays his grandmother; what is amusing there is that she’s wearing glasses on her face, AND on her head. I actually do that a LOT. Mykenna is the maid and she feels like it’s just another attempt to keep her in the background. She keeps complaining about it, but step up, girl. Flick out your snakey tongue, wrap it around his ankles and pull him towards you! The drama ends with the maid actually being Peter’s love interest, so Mykenna is happy. Honestly, I ask again,  is someone in production checking Tammy’s criminal background? She’s making comments like she will “stab anyone who’s in the way.” It’s a little scary.

Group cocktail party: Natasha says she has a good vibe about tonight. That can only mean doom. Peter walks in speaking Español. He’s quite pleased with his second language skills. He and Kelsey go to the back first and have a make out session. Victoria P tells everyone how excited she is to tell him she’s falling in love. They should have some dark music playing any time one of the gals expresses happy thoughts. Duh duh duh.

Victoria P is up next and she asks him if she can sit ON him. She asks him if he’s in a place to talk. She just wants to get back to where they were. Peter thanks her for that, as he thanks all of them for everything. His manners are impeccable. He basically tells her their relationship did take a step back. She starts making out with his hand, and surprisingly, he pulls away and  tells her that “maybe you are more secure and confident in us than I am.” Yikes, that don’t sound good. She asks him if he wants her to be there. He replies, “I don’t know if I see you as my wife, and I’m sorry about that.” She tells him she’s okay, but she’s worried for him. He apologizes to her again, but she tells him not to apologize to her, and then asks for a cab because she wants to go. He asks if he can walk her out, and she replies, “I don’t need you to walk me out.” He chases her down and tells her she will make someone SO happy one day, and she responds, “I know.” The confidence is amazing. BUT, it’s just a show for the cameras, because she drives away crying. Girlfriend, you got yourself in this predicament by lying about Alayah. Alayah would have gone down in flames all by herself, too. There was no reason you had to ride that train.

Madison comes back with Peter and asks him how he’s doing. He says very slowly and sadly, “It was really hard,” then ups the tempo and says, “BUT I knew she wasn’t my wife.” And the Madison make-out session begins.

Meanwhile, the drama unfolds on the girl’s couch. Mykenna says it’s the happiest day of her life, and Tammy immediately goes on the attack. I do NOT like Tammy. Tammy needs to worry about Tammy. Plus, she needs to take the combative wrestler role down a notch. Tammy and Mykenna are screaming at each other and Kelsey interjects and Tammy uses some foul language to ask Kelsey to butt out.

Madison breaks off the make-out session because she hears the screaming, but Peter is deeply into her and hears nothing until Madison points it out. Peter walks down and stops Mykenna who explains what the screaming was about. Peter is now handing out the group rose, and he gives it to Madison, who has him “feeling really, really excited about the future.”

One-on-one date with EFF: You know, I could ALMOST like EFF in-between dates, because she ALMOST seems normal. Then she gets with Peter and breaks out her little baby voice, and my skin starts to crawl. They ride horses and go to a horse show. They’re asked to come down and dance, and, of course, they make out.

EFF tells him she goes back and forth about her feels for him. He asks her if she thinks about leaving, and she replies that she doesn’t know. He tells her he’s feeling very strongly for her, but he wants her to be honest with herself and him and go if she needs to. Because let’s be real, he has the MAJOR hots for Madison, so, if we’re being honest here, Eff’s basically in his way.

They go to dinner, and  EFF plays her little seductive sad girl game, because she’s found Peter responds well to that. Peter asks her to let their love unfold organically. Well, he doesn’t use those terms, but that’s what he means. Then he says something profound, “Just talk to me. It’s just you and me. Just talk to me.” Just you and her, huh? And the cameraman, and producers, and probably Chris H hanging in the shadows (just kidding, he’s playing golf somewhere), but there’s plenty of people hanging around, and at least 150 people are watching the show. Usually, there would be more watching, but Pilot Pete, you’ve taken Bachelor down a dark hole.

EFF is creating major drama by saying she doesn’t know, but she might want to go home. She runs off crying and Pete, as usual sits moping around waiting for her. They both talk to producers about their feels. She tells the producer this is the most she’s ever been with anyone. Folks, let’s think about that statement. Pilot Pete and EFF have been on TWO dates. In my calculations, and I’m good at math, that means that she has never had more than a one-night stand. Yep, I went there.

Eff comes back and apologizes for her behavior, so Pete hurries up and gives her a rose before she changes her mind. Pete is worried that he’s not getting validation back from Eff and that scares him. If I had a dime for every time Petey was scared…Arrrrghh, GROW. A. PAIR.

The gals are discussing the cocktail party. A knock is heard at the door and a date card has arrived. A two-on-one date is announced for Mykenna and Tammy. Tammy says she’s sick of the Mykenna Show wasting her time with Peter. But, and I know we’re all thinking it, if it’s not Mykenna, who will be the next victim you throw under the bus, Tammy?

Mykenna and Tammy show up before the cocktail party and Peter asks them what’s going on with the two of them so he can be done with the drama. He takes Tammy off first. Tammy says Mykenna has shown her no reason that she is there for the right reasons. She says that Mykenna has created hashtags with her brand and she calls this the Mykenna Show.  Tammy tells Peter how serious she is about him. Peter asks where she thinks they are in their relationship. Tammy says there have been speedbumps, but she does care for him. One look at sweet Pete will tell you that he does NOT feel the same.

Peter asks Mykenna what’s going on, and she says that Tammy delights in bringing people down. Mykenna claims she’s totally into him, so Peter confronts her about the hashtag issue. I don’t know why, but she’s so distracting to me. I just cannot take Mykenna seriously. Anyway, Mykenna and Tammy are back on the couch, and Tammy gives M the advice to not lead with her emotions. Mykenna laughs and tells Tammy not to lead with her anger. To that, I say, “Touche.” Tammy replies, “I’m not an angry person.” False. That is a false statement. You have said you wanted to burn things and stab people during your time on the show. You are an angry elf.

Peter makes the decision to kick Tammy to the curb, telling Mykenna he believes her. Tammy rides away in the limo muttering, “I guess he just wants a trophy wife, and that’s not me. I’m not gonna change for a man.” Tammy, without any prompting or reason, you threw several people under the bus, so I definitely think you would change for a man.

Cocktail party rose ceremony: Pilot Pete talks to Natasha first, who asks him for some reassurance. He tells her he’s trying to cancel out the drama, so he hopes that helps Natasha to feel secure. They make out. Next up is Sydney. I did not see them make out. Kelsey and Petey talk amongst barrels of wine,  exactly where I would prefer to chat. They definitely make out. Eff apologizes again for her behavior the previous night. Petey says, “See what you just did just there? See what you just did? That’s all I wanted. You made me happy.”  It’s the little things that matter to Pilot Pete.

Rose Ceremony: Madison and EFF already have roses. Peter calls Kelsey first, followed by Natasha, and the final rose to Kelley. Mykenna makes a bulldog face and looks very confused. Sydney is sad, but she seems to exit with dignity. Now Mykenna approaches him, and sweet Pete, I would be careful that she isn’t palming a shiv. He’s safe, however, and Mykenna indulges in some self-therapy. “I is strong. I is powerful. I is important.” Mykenna’s going to make sure Mykenna’s fine.

Peter announces they are heading to Lima, Peru.

Outtakes: Peter LOVES meat. Eff is laughing because he’s SO into meat. She’s a vegetarian but says she will eat meat ONCE for Peter because he loves it so much. So much for her values. Bobs out.

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