Three Hours of Pilot Pete? We can do this!

In order to get through tres horas of sweet Pete, I’ve resorted to my all-time favorite beverage, a giant-sized bottle of Cook’s Champagne sans orange juice. You can’t beat straight Bubbly with some leftover Super Bowl 7-Layer dip, now, can you? Laptop-Check. Munchies-Check. Adult Beverage-Check. Time for launch….

Chris Harrison has tweeted me personally to let me know that the Iowa caucus election results will be intermingled with the show, but they will NOT INTERFERE WITH OUR VIEWING PLEASURE. Thanks for having our backs, Chris.

We’re still in Cleveland and everyone is upset that Alayah is back. Alayah’s bosom is making a national appearance in that black gown, and we now know why Pete is hot for Alayah. The girls are attacking Alayah while she sits quietly and takes it. Pete walks back into the room and grabs Alayah. He tells Alayah, “I don’t care what anyone in there says about you, I know you have an amazing heart,” as he stares lovingly at her bosom. Alayah’s trying hard to cry. Yes, TO cry. She’s secretly so pleased with herself for getting back on the show, though, that she can’t. But wait, even though PP has told her what a great person she is, he now tells her that he doesn’t want to put her back in the lion’s den, and so he needs to ask her to leave, and he walks her out. FINALLY, something that makes sense.

PP and Alayah walk past all the girls and Victoria P, who is about as nasty as they come, snarks that she doesn’t think she can deal with this. Then get yourself and your new nose on home, Vicki P, and don’t let the door hit you on the way out. PP comes in all deflated and says he’s doing this for the girls. Seriously, people, Pete just needs to man up. He should just walk in the house and politely say, “Ladies, last I checked, they picked me, Pilot Pete, as the Bachelor, not any of you floozies, so suck it up or hit the road. I’ll call you a limo.” Boo-yah, done. Respect restored.

Victoria P is holding her head as if she has a serious migraine. Or is she just mean-muggin’? PP takes Natasha back praising her for not leaving him and giving him a second chance. Ugh, stop being a wimp, Pete. Wussy is not a good color on you.

Oh Mylanta, now we have a parade of women giving Pete the whatnot. Or is it the what-for? Excuse me while I pull up The Andy Griffith Show to figure that out. One of the girls, maybe Deandra (?), keeps telling Petey, “This is wifey material. THIS. THIS is wifey material.” Uh, right. Telling someone you’re wifey material is usually all it takes.

Okay, this oral cleanse was just what the gals needed. They all seem to be purged of their hatefulness and ready to once again embrace a life with Pilot Pete. Rose ceremony: Pete does one last booty-kissing before he proceeds to hand out roses. Just a side note: Has anyone checked Tammy’s criminal record for arson? She just said, “If I don’t get a rose tonight, I’m going to set the building on fire.” Here’s hoping that Cleveland has their fire department on high alert.

Madison, Sydney, Natasha, Lexi, Hannah Ann, Shiann, Mykenna, Victoria P, Kelley, and Tammy get a rose. (EFF and Kelsey already had one.) Deandra, Savanna, and Kiarra do not. Deandra goes up to Peter and tells him how confused she is. Pete says, “It wasn’t easy for me, and nice to meet you.” That made me giggle. After the rose ceremony, PP tells them they are going to COSTA RICA!! The ladies scream, and there’s definitely a different vibe than when Cleveland, Ohio was announced.

Kelley is the voice of reason in all this. She says she loves traveling and she wants to spend time with Peter, but he’s dating several other girls (yeah, we’ve been watching), and she just wants to have fun. I have a feeling she scored the highest on the emotional IQ test the gals are given.

Here comes Pete to meet the girls with a big old wound on his head. Are you kidding me? This is the story Pete tells the girls about his injury? He says he met a puma on a trail and it attacked him? Nice, Pete. We know you’re not man enough for that. I love you, Petey, but you can’t trick me. Then he tells them the truth, and they show actual footage of what happened. The poor man was getting into a golf cart with a glass in his hand. He slams his head into the top of the cart and at the same time, slams the glass into his head as it bounces back and the glass breaks. Looks extremely painful and required 22 stitches.

Peter takes Sydney on the first date. Meanwhile we get a peek of Kelsey about to take a dive off the deep end. She doesn’t like Peter dating other girls, and she’s crying. Again.  Hmmm, maybe you shouldn’t have gone on the Bachelor then? Kelsey and Hannah Ann are discussing their feels about seeing PP date other women. It’s good to see they’ve moved past champagne-gate and are able to vent to each other.

Peter tells Sydney she’s mysterious, and Sydney’s like “Oh my gah, like, I get that, like, all the time.” Then Pete tells her she’s the best kisser, and she says, “Shut. Up. Say it again, say it again.” So, he says it again, and she screeches, “Stooooop!!” and then she lays her head against his stitches, and Pete almost starts crying from the pain. But then they make out, so everything’s okay.

Group date is announced: Shiann, Kelsey, Eff, Madison, Natasha, VP, Lexi, Hannah Ann, Tammy, and Mykenna. The motto on the card: Let’s capture our love today. It looks like Kelley is going on a one-on-one with Peter. Kelley is concerned that she doesn’t have a “sob story” to tell Pete so that he understands her better. I totally get that, Kelley. If I were you, though, I’d be making one up, quickly.

Sydney tells Peter she rarely sees her dad. Pete gives a heavy sigh. I don’t know if this is because he disapproves of a broken family or if he feels sorry for her. Syd then tells him about how she was bullied and called “Oreo girl” because she’s of mixed racial descent. Syd, the fishhook is tightly embedded in Pete’s mouth and now’s the time to reel him on in. He gives her a rose, and they go swimming, er, I mean, they make out in a pool and basically have outercourse on the deck. Yikes.

Back to Kelsey: Kelsey tells Tammy that she’ll never be okay with PP dating others. Tammy reasonably tells her that the dating is only temporary, and that it will end one day, because he has to choose one girl at the end. Kelsey says that it won’t get any easier for her, though, and proceeds to cry. Tammy thinks Peter should know how Kelsey has been acting since day one. Danger, Will Robinson, I would tread very lightly in telling Peter about another problem girl. He may not react as well as he did the first time….

Group date: Peter is taking the girls on a photo shoot for Cosmo. The Cosmo people are going to select one winner to appear on the cover with Peter. Hannah Ann feels like she’s got this locked up with her modeling experience and all. The girls run over to pick outfits, and Peter runs over to help them with their choices. Oh Pete, let the women choose their own outfits.

What is Victoria P wearing? I am not liking the high-waisted bikini bottoms. They just look funky. The photographer calls for more drama, so EFF steps up to the plate and starts making out with Petey. The other girls only wish they would have thought of it first, as they shoot eye darts of death at EFF. Of course, Eff wins the photo shoot, and she and Petey make out in front of the waterfall. Question: All’s Petey’s wearing is swim trunks. EFF and he are making out like there’s no one within a hundred mile radius. Does that not have some kind of effect on his manhood? You know what I’m saying? Talk amongst yourselves.

Group date cocktail party: Natasha announces that no drama happened on the group date. TRANSLATION: Some S*** about to go down at the cocktail party.  Pete goes with EFF first and the two continue their make out session. Next up, Hannah Ann is up, who wants to give Petey a hundred percent. A hundred percent of her tongue, that is, as it slides all the way down to the tips of his toes. Petey tells her she’s the cutest thing ever. Victoria P and Madison are up next and Pete is literally making out with EVERY one of them as if they are the last woman on earth and this is his last chance at a kiss. Kelsey is up next. She now takes Petey’s positive vibe and tries to bring it way down by telling him she doesn’t like him dating other people and she is falling in love with him. Petey just grins and tells her not to worry and makes out with her so that she doesn’t cry some more.  Meanwhile, Tammy is in the background telling everyone about how crazy Kelsey is and how Tammy should tell Peter. So, of course, she’s up next, and she tells Peter that Kelsey was having some kind of mental breakdown and drinking excessively. Why does Peter always believe the last thing that he hears? Then he runs off to grab that person to comfort his own mind, but he can’t ever figure things out. He grabs Kelsey and tells her that he heard she had a mental breakdown yesterday. She tells him, “I mean, I was emotional, but…” and here’s where things fall apart for her, because SHE STARTS TO HAVE A MENTAL BREAKDOWN. She somehow manages to regain her cool, but confronts the girls back on the couch, asking them who was the loser who told Peter she’s emotionally unstable. Awkward silence.

Kelsey lets everyone know she’s not ashamed of crying in front of people, she’s proud of it. Proud is a strong word, Kels. The other girls start talking, but Tammy remains conspicuously silent. Natasha lets Kels know that when she feels upset, she journals; she doesn’t drink to excess and cry. Other gals talk about their skills in handling drama, but Tammy sits silently and doesn’t say anything. She doesn’t admit to being the one that blabbed. Tammy, you present yourself as such a tough gal, you’re a wrestler who wants to burn down mansions, so own up to being the one to tell Pete about Kelsey’s instability. Ugh. Hannah Ann gets the group date rose.

Okay, why do I think this date will not work out well for Kelley? At first, I thought her healthy emphasis on having fun was a good thing, but now, she seems to be focused more on the date than on sweet Pete, and I’m worried she may be there more for the adventure than for any romantic reasons. Can I just say that Kelley’s red and white striped pants are NOT doing her any favors? Pete says he needs to see a LOT from Kelley today in order for her to continue. TRANSLATION: Kelley better be giving me some serious outercourse, or she’s packing her bags. Peter is trying to talk to Kelley about his feels, but Kelley is diverted by a lizard in the back of the room. Petey is visibly upset with her distractedness.

They’re doing some kind of voodoo thing. There’s a pendulum swinging over some heat, and Kelley asks  the pendulum if Peter and she are at the same places in their journey. The pendulum says “no.” Peter is very concerned. He leads her through this obstacle course and they make out at the end, but Peter says off-camera that he may have to let her go. I wonder if he ever thought about NOT making out with her then? I think not.

Meanwhile, Kelsey and Tammy are talking and Kelsey asks Tammy if she has a problem with her, because she’s sick of drama. LYING Tammy says, “I did talk to Peter about you, but it wasn’t about you, it was about me.” Kelsey rightfully surmises that does not make any sense. Tammy says it’s about ‘how she’s distracted about caring for others; that she’s not focusing on her relationship as much as she should.’ Then, Tammy, sweety, get your nose out of other people’s business and worry about yourself.

Tammy is really playing dirty and using all Kelsey’s words against her. Kelsey gets all upset, and I wish she was just stronger in that regard. I only wish that Kelsey wouldn’t let Tammy bother her, but she does, and Tammy just keeps digging the knife deeper and upsetting Kelsey more.

Peter and Kelley go to dinner, and Pete just seems done with her. He lets her know that their relationship is in a lull and Kelley has disappeared; Kelley agreed, but said she feels like she had no opportunities to be open with him. He claims that isn’t true. Peter asks Kelley why the shaman said they’re at different levels in their lives. Pick me, pick me! Peter, a shaman doesn’t really know what level the two of you are at in your lives, so maybe just ignore him.

Kelley basically tells him that the drama that Peter allowed to continue basically turned her off. Without using these exact words, Kelley tells him she needs a MAN in her life and doesn’t want a girly-man next to her like Pete’s been acting. She wants to be half of a power couple, and she doesn’t know if Pete has the power she needs. And because Pete is such a girly-man, he’s scared NOT to give her the rose, so he gives it to her. After the rose, they go to a hot spring and do what Pete does best, have outercourse. Annnnnd scene.

Back at the mansion, Tammy continues to snark about Kelsey. She’s telling everyone that Kelsey’s probably crying and that she’s emotionally unstable. While Tammy is saying this, of course, Kelsey is completely fine, not crying at all, putting on full makeup and heading over to see Pilot Pete. Kelsey goes to Pete and pleads her cause, making it clear that she is emotionally stable and is NOT a drunkard. Pete likes her so much he goes off and arranges with the producers to get her a rose, which he pulls out of the back of his shorts. If she sniffs that thing, I will wet myself! She accepts the rose, and heads back over to the mansion, where she confronts the girls with where she’s been and why she has the rose. She tells them that she talked to him and hopefully tonight will be smooth sailing. I’m not linking why the rose ceremony would be smooth sailing just because she has a rose, but obviously that’s bachelor-ese for just the opposite….

Question: How many bachelor girls can fit on a single couch? Apparently, all of them. Chris Harrison appears to tell the girls there will be no cocktail party and we are headed straight to the rose ceremony. They all ask why, and Chris tells them that Peter got the clarity he needed earlier today, and he doesn’t need a cocktail party for his decision. The girls are furious (with Kelsey). Mykenna flies off the handle and talks about how frustrated she is, but you know what I am finding odd? I do not see a single tear coming out of her eyes.

I guess Tammy’s telling everyone that Kelsey takes pills and drinks heavily. Kelsey says she takes Adderall and birth control pills. Tammy says she heard about the pills from Victoria P. Tammy is floundering here. Someone said it best when they said Tammy’s blaming other girls for her relationship with Peter not moving forward. I concur. But people, I could have told you all that a LONG time ago. Meanwhile, flash to Mykenna. Producers need to get her some Valium- stat.

Second rose ceremony of the evening: Pete starts to begin when Tammy stops him and asks if she can talk to him for a minute. She tells him that she hopes he would never think that the things she says come from a malicious place. I’m just wondering where else they would come from, but that’s me.

Meanwhile, Mykenna sees her chance to talk to Peter, so she strolls back and asks if she can steal him for a minute. Lexi sarcastically says, “I’ll go next since we’re having a cocktail party in the middle of the rose ceremony.” Peter comes back to them all and tells them to know that he’s following his heart. He gives the first rose to EFF, who I must say was surprisingly non-dramatic today. Next rose to Madison, followed by Natasha, Victoria P, Mykenna (who gives me an “I heart Charles Manson” vibe), and final rose to Tammy. I’m disappointed that Lexi did not get a rose. I liked her. Shiann didn’t get one either, but she was kind of forgettable. Lexi exited with dignity. Shiann left PP with the cryptic message that some of the girls in the house are not there for the right reasons. Peter utters his usual, “Wait, what?” I don’t know if he has trouble hearing, or he just doesn’t get it.

Outtakes: Deepthroat is silhouetted on camera with voice altering technology talking about Pete’s accident. He calls him the clumsiest bachelor they have ever had. Then Deepthroat is shown in the light, but still with his voice changed, and Deep throat is revealed to be Chris Harrison. Oh my, these producers are quite funny….Bobs out.

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