Tonight, I’ve decided to go with a drink called the “Blue Hawaiian,” as I would like nothing more than transporting myself to the islands, sunning on a beach in Hawaii, sipping an adult beverage, and reading the Enquirer. I’m a woman of simple tastes. For those who want to whip themselves up this delectable beverage, break out a taste of blue curacao, a sip of pineapple juice, a spritz of coconut, and a large bottle of rum. For an appetizer, slide a slice of pineapple onto the edge of your glass, and you’re set for the night.
Friends, here’s a little scoop on ChampagneGate….In an interview with Extra TV (https://youtu.be/mZRuZd4gxe8), Peter says that after the bottle of Champagne exploded all over Kelsey, he poured some over his own head in order to make her feel better. How sweet was that? Now on with the show…
We open with discussion of the rose ceremony and Alayah. Deandra keeps using the word bled. Alayah’s manipulativeness bled into the rose ceremony, it bled into the cocktail party. If it would have bled into the pool, I would have been out of there.
Victoria P is worried that Alayah went home because of her. Well, you certainly didn’t help matters, VP, but that remains to be seen.
Chris comes in and announces that there will not be a date. He says, “Ladies, it’s time to pack up.” At this point, the girls are gasping with excitement. “The first stop on this amazing journey that will literally take us around the world,” (here the girls are holding their hands to their hearts) “will begin in a city full of art, culture, and rock and roll,” (you can feel the air go out of the room as the ladies are about to scream at the top of their lungs because they know they’re heading on a plane to some exotic locale) “Peter’s going to meet you in CLEVELAND, OHIO!” The excitement just deflates, and there is an awkward pause. Finally, Lexi regains her senses, and says, “Okay, well…” and starts to get off the couch. Then they all start to giggle and move to pack. Wow, HUGE LETDOWN, Chris.
The date card is opened and EFF gets the date. Yikes, this is going to be one drama filled episode. MyKenna is shown crying about not getting the date and how this would have been the best date for her because Peter is her dream guy and she wants her dream guy to notice her and blah, blah, blah. She’s the same chick who about had a meltdown last week at the rose ceremony. I have to agree with Marine Mike on this one, “I hate crybabies.”
So EFF has been crying this episode about how she hates heights. On the Cadillac ride to meet Peter, she is screeching that she hopes they don’t go sky-yiving (that’s the way the word sounds when she screeches it out.) Umm, Pete is a pilot, and this is NOT a secret to anyone. So, of course, the caddy pulls up next to Peter standing by a plane. They show EFF inside the Cadillac kicking the seats, saying, “No, no, Ah we sky-yiving? No! I can’t do this. I can’t go. I’m literally drooling, I can’t, like, breathe.” Then all of a sudden, she jumps out of the vehicle and says, “Hi!! How are you?” Then she starts running toward him, and in a baby voice, says “C’mere” and jumps up on him. NEW DRINKING GAME: Every time EFF says “No,” you have to drink. I’m telling you, there ain’t enough alcohol in the world to keep up with that game.
Peter tells EFF he is taking her to an amusement park. They hop off the plane and run to the gates. WHY are they running, btw? Take it easy and stroll to the gates, sweet Pete. Is it just me, or is EFF’s voice worse than nails on a chalkboard? The only correct answer to that is yes, it’s WAY worse than that. She has one of the whiniest voices in the WORLD. PP lets us know he has a surprise for EFF, that he’s taking her to a Chase Rice concert. Well, the tables are turned, because apparently Chase is EFF’s old boyfriend. SO, of course, Peter is on camera saying he feels like the luckiest man in the world and he’s so happy that EFF gets to experience this concert with him. Chase starts a song, and Pete’s all trying to make out with EFF, and she’s trying to act like she isn’t THAT into PP, because, let’s be real, she’s still into Chase. Now, see, that’s where EFF and I differ. Back in the day, when I broke up with someone, I got right back on that horse, and I would have been macking the new dude, just to make the old one jealous, am I right?
Anyway, EFF goes off to talk to a producer while PP talks to Chase. EFF tells the producer that Chase didn’t want her to go on the show. “He didn’t want me to go on the show. He told me not to go.” Meanwhile, Pete is all giddy talking to Chase. I think they may have made some plans for after PP drops Eff off. Eff takes Chase off to the side, and says, “Umm, good concert though. Umm, this is so awkward. Did you have any idea?” Chase is shaking his head no. In a page straight from UnReal, the producers really set these two up, huh? Kind of nasty there. Eff says to Chase, “I’ve got to tell him, because at the end of this, if we’re together, I don’t want to lie to him.” I’ll give her credit for that.
PP and Eff meet for dinner, and of course, Peter is still going on about Chase Rice and how great he is, and how he might be singing at Eff’s and his wedding one day. Sweet Pete, you need to calm down about old Chase. Victoria takes a big drink of alcohol and prepares to tell Peter that she dated Chase. She spills the beans, and Peter says, “Wait. What? Chase the singer?” which made me LOL, because how many Chases are around at that point? About now, I would think Peter would be cursing the producers, to be quite honest. Eff storms off to cry.
They flash back to the girls at the hotel, and another date is announced. Mykenna may require a straight jacket, as she is about to go off the deep end. She is praying she doesn’t get the group date because she wants a one-on-one, so we all know that means she will definitely be going on the group date. Mykenna IS on the group date and Kelsey gets the one-on-one.
Peter goes and comforts EFF, and they solve their problems as all problems should be solved, by making out. EFF says she thinks Peter is great because he accepted her at her lowest point. Really? Telling him that you’ve dated others prior to coming on the Bachelor is your lowest point? We all have pasts, surely Pilot Pete knows that. Seriously, Eff acts like she’s 12 years old. I asked Marine Mike if acting like a woman-child is actually appealing to men, and I get this dumb grin, with the answer, “Maybe at first.” Ugh.
Peter gives EFF the rose, and they dance the rest of the date away to some cello music.
Pilot Pete takes the group date girls to the Cleveland stadium to play some football. He brings some football players to help. Madison is all ‘bout this, and ready to show her competitive streak. Victoria P tells Peter she’s not going to football because her back is still hurting her, so PP asks her if he will help him from the sidelines. The girls are supes angry that Victoria is on the sidelines with Peter and he’s rubbing her back. Can’t say I blame them.
They begin their game. Marine Mike says, “It’s like watching a bunch of little first graders tackle each other.” He’s not wrong. You know how little kids just all go like a swarm to where the ball is? This is similar to that. Sweet Pete is very excited about this whole thing and chases them down the sidelines, motivating the teams through inspirational screaming.
The Bach cameras flash to the commentators and the female commentator looks like she just smelled cauliflower. She has a weird snarly smirky smile on her face. She doesn’t seem receptive to the Bachelor Bowl. However, one of the producers must have prodded her to be more enthusiastic, because after Deandra scored, she throws up her arms, and screams, “Touchdown!”
Cocktail party: The girls are all irritated because the game was tied, so all 13 are going to the party. They make jokes about blocking and tackling other girls, so that they can each have some time alone with Peter. Oddly enough, Victoria P grabs him first, even though she was making out with him on the sidelines the entire game. Now the catty comments begin…Shiann can’t believe they worked so hard on the field and VP did nothing but got to talk to Peter first. She now gets her turn to go back with Peter, and she’s crying to him about the lack of time they get to spend with him…..and, What’s this?? In the midst of everyone ragging about not getting enough time with Peter, Alayah walks into the room. Alayah tells Peter that Victoria P and her have been really good friends for a long time, that they went to Vegas together, and they talked all the time on the phone, and she was just shocked that VP back-stabbed her…This is obviously in opposition to what Victoria P says, who claims they’ve only spent like three hours together. Peter goes to confront Victoria P, telling her that Alayah is insisting they are friends. I seriously never understand why they don’t bring the women together and duke it out that way. Anyway, Pete goes to VP, and she says, “No, we as a group went to Vegas together, and we like hung out.” Peter says, “You DID go to Vegas together then? Because you told me you didn’t even know her, except for three hours.”
Okay, friends, my spidey senses were right from the beginning. VP is a lying Sacajawea. No offense to Sacajawea. When confronted with the truth, she starts ugly-crying and her festering piehole goes to the only positive sentences she knows and spews forth, “I just know there’s so much I want to share with you.” What?!!
Huh? Now Peter takes VP downstairs to confront Alayah and they hug like they have known each other for years.(Clue #1) Alayah says she just can’t get over the fact that someone who she trusted “bit her in the ass.” They converse like they have known each other quite awhile (Clue #2) At this point, it’s clear to see the two know each other, and even Peter catches on. He says, “Wait a minute, is there a relationship here?” (Ding, ding, ding, we have a winner!) The girls ignore Pete’s comment and Sweet Pete walks off.
Peter is freaked out that Victoria P is not who he thought she was. He acknowledges that he’s not deaf, he heard her say IN FRONT OF Alayah that they know each other, even after she told him they didn’t. Okay friends, Peter is sort of a wimp, I’m sorry if that offends, but it’s true. Peter goes up to Alayah and says, “Everything I’ve seen from you, I’ve loved so far. I had no reason to question or doubt you, but I did.” Dude, why would you let a bunch of mean girls talk you into something if you were really feeling a bond there? Although, in this case, I think the mean girls were spot on in their assessment. Then, he asks Alayah if she wants to come back. Friends, we could ALMOST have a drinking game for the number of times Peter asks someone to come back into the house. Alayah accepts the invite, and she and sweet Pete walk hand in hand to join the girls.
Once again, Peter apologizes to the girls that he didn’t have a chance to talk to them. Yeah, this is getting old. Then, in nothing less than the kiss of death, Peter gives Alayah the group date rose. The gals are not happy.
One on One date: Kelsey and Peter. Why, oh why, do the girls ALWAYS have to run and jump into Pete’s arms? Peter uttered a slight “umph” when Kelsey jumped into his. The girly man can’t take it. Anyway, Kelsey and Peter encounter some Polka musicians, but surprisingly do NOT know how to Polka. Peter, I thought you were half-German? Since they don’t polka, Peter teaches her how to two-step. Makes perfect sense. They then race against some children in a soap box derby and pull off a shocking win. Peter takes Kelsey to the riverfront for an adult beverage and tells her he wants to know all about her. Kelsey is quite lovely-looking, but of course, the first thing she talks about is how she got her qualities from her parents….divorce. Yep, her parent’s divorce. Her dad left his wedding ring on the table along with a note, in which he said “adios,” and headed to Mexico. Pete accepts Kelsey for who she is, making Kelsey’s heart burst with joy, then starts making out with her as fireworks go off in the background.
Back at the penthouse, Alayah continues to be the number one topic of conversation. EFF goes to confront her because Alayah had told all the girls that EFF had dated Chase Rice, and Eff wasn’t going to tell anyone that. Eff gives Alayah the what-for and Alayah responds with “It’s all over Al Gore’s amazing Internet. I thought everyone knew.” (I may have paraphrased some there.) Eff lets Alayah know that none of them have their phones, so how could they possibly know.
Peter enters the mansion for the rose ceremony. Whoa, he gets attacked by the women in the mansion for giving Alayah a rose. After he apologizes to them for not giving them their time, Peter asks to speak to Victoria P. She says she really doesn’t want to talk to him, but she will. He’s totally taken off guard, and says, “You don’t want to talk?” And she says, “No, but come on, I want to talk.” Huh? These gals are very confusing. A parade of girls come through chastising sweet Pete and EFF lets him know that Alayah ratted her out about Chase Rice. Alayah tries to explain herself to Pete, and he walks off. He loosens his tie because he’s having a panic-attack and he’s scared that all the women will leave him. Advice for PP: GROW A PAIR.
No rose ceremony. Lots of drama next week. Outtakes: Pilot Pete and EFF are shooting baskets. Pete can’t hit one. It’s sad. Bobs out.