I’ve got my gallon of Sam’s Club Cook’s Champagne, a sleeve of Ritz crackers, and Kraft Easy-Cheese on the TV tray next to my recliner. A feast for a queen! I’m prepared to see what the night brings us. First, there HAS to be a wrap-up with #ChampagneGate, correct? I canNOT listen to more of that for an entire evening. I mean, I loves me my bubbly, and I would be very protective of it, but surely the producers have a nice bottle of whiskey and some Sprite lying around, right? If nothing else, they have a flask in their pockets just to deal with some of the whine these chicks are dishing out. Grab that, head to the pool, and get over your bad self, Kelsey.
The drama continues….We open with Hannah Ann and Kelsey crying. Hannah Ann loudly proclaims that she is NOT a champagne stealer! “I’m just not, I would never do that to anyone.” Wow, I mean, have none of you ever participated in a circle of people passing around a champagne bottle and drinking straight from it, and you kept reinserting yourself at different places within the circle in order to ‘steal’ more of the available alcohol? No? Just me, then? I just never thought being a champagne ‘stealer’ was all that bad….
Anyway, we move on to Victoria P and Peter on their date. I’m going to throw out the words “Hair extensions” and see how all of you respond…..Okay, well, I am responding positively, but I definitely think Victoria has them. PP and VP go to a Western store to pick out some boots and hats for a line-dancing date. I mean, who doesn’t go with their man to get a $300 pair of boots and cowboy hat pre-date. NONE of us, that’s who. Note to self: I’m saying ‘I mean’ a lot. I need to slow my roll there. On their date, Peter keeps commenting that he may have found his dance partner for life.
Back to the real drama, Kelsey and Hannah Ann. They get all comfy on a daybed outside. Kelsey opens with, “SO last night wasn’t nice. Bully is a serious accusation to make and I won’t tolerate it.” Hannah Ann responds that Kelsey called her a bitch, a fake, and a champagne stealer, and she considers that bullying. Kelsey admits that they may be some unpleasant names, but far from bullying. HA repeats that she is NOT a champagne stealer. And here’s the quote of the night from Kelsey: “It’s not about champagne. I DON’T REALLY EVEN LIKE CHAMPAGNE.” What????? I LOL’d at that. Then what have the last two hours of the show been about? Come on! Hannah Ann could really care less about being called a bitch; she just doesn’t want to be called a ‘champagne stealer.’ Heck, give me a t-shirt with ‘champagne stealer’ in a funky font emblazoned on the front, and I will proudly wear that tee!
More TV gold from Kelsey. She chastises HA for not coming to her to talk about the whole champagne issue. HA tilts her head to the side and reminds Kelsey, “But you told me to stay the f*** away from you.” Kelsey responds, “So we’re going to make this about me now?” Well, Kelsey, in HA’s defense, she may have been afraid to come near you. Just sayin’.
Victoria and Peter are in an airplane hangar for dinner. Here’s some inside scoop: supposedly, none of the Bach contestants eat the dinner that’s in front of them. They are taken to eat after the filming of the dinner, but they do not partake when we are watching. Anyway, Peter tells Victoria how caring she is, and how great it is that she has opened up, and on cue, Victoria P agrees that she’s a wonderful caregiver, and then starts crying about her mom being addicted when Victoria was young and how she and her sister didn’t know where their next meal was coming from….look people, I completely feel for these girls and their problems, but it amazes me how easily they throw their parents under the bus in order to get sympathy on this show. I’m sure it’s all real, though, so I’ll move on.
VP tells Peter that she thinks they are meant to be. Peter tells her, “I don’t know if we are or not, but I saw a shooting star when I was thinking about the girls on the Bachelor and that made me think I was doing the right thing and that my future wife was in the mansion, maybe even right here.” I paraphrased, but close enough. He gives Victoria the rose and then they go inside one of the planes in the hangar and do who knows what. I think I actually know, but I’m trying to keep this PG.
What’s this? Back at the mansion, Alayah, who seemed all sugar and spice with her grandma’s note at the beginning of the season, starts showing her skanky side. She has like this evil sideways smile on her face and looks like she’s about to cause some major drama.
Group date is announced and who else but Demi Burnett walks in to wake up the girls for their date. One question: How will Peter be able to tell the difference between Demi and Victoria P in case he runs into them both at the same time? Demi and her crew hand out bags with ‘outfits’ in them for the group date girls. The range of outfits runs from Kelley in lingerie to Savannah in a muumuu. Peter takes the gals to a saloon to Demi’s Pillow Fight. Demi lets them know that they are here to fight for Peter’s heart, and she thinks it will be pretty hot to watch, too. Whatevs, Demi. Chris Harrison and Fred Willard are judging, and friends, I believe our sweet Fred has seen better days, but I digress. Oh goodness, Tough Tammy the High School Wrestler is all about this. Tammy and Kelley are pitted against each other, and they both go on attack, but Tammy is actually tackling poor Kelley the attorney. Tammy is having some PTSD and thinks she’s back in her singlet on the high school wrestling mat. She’s so violent, she’s disqualified. Can you get disqualified in a pillow fight? I guess you can. Alayah and Sydney are the two finalists and Alayah comes out the victor.
Group date cocktail party: Alayah is very concerned about showing Peter a side of her that is not the sweet pageant girl. Alayah wants to be vulnerable with him and wants him to know that she’s been through things in relationships.(Haven’t we all. I once had a guy who told me he skipped our date because he was swimming and some coral got on him and he had to be hospitalized because it started to grow on him and he was worried he would turn into a solid piece of coral. Walt, you are a liar of the lowest caliber, but how you made me giggle.) Alayah’s worried about what Pete’s thinking when he’s away from her. These people need to calm down. The show has 30 girls, Alayah. You are NOT going to see him every day. In-between the times you see him, you must remain calm. The producers should have a large supply of Prozac on hand. Sydney is seriously worried about Alayah being fake. Some deep-breathing exercises are called for here. They need a yoga master on set full time.
Meanwhile, Peter is making out with anything that moves. I didn’t even recognize one of the girls he was making out with, could have been a producer for all I know. Sydney lets him know that some of the girls (Alayah) are fakers. Peter is about in tears, because he saw that happened to Hannah with Jed, and he doesn’t want that to happen to him. Peter goes back to all the girls and calls out Syd in front of everyone letting them know she said there were fakers in the house, and he’s not giving a rose out because he’s now upset. Syd goes ahead and lets the girls know that she was talking about Alayah. Alayah goes up to Peter and cries on cue, letting him know how much she likes him. Peter believes her, but in a huge TWIST, gives the rose to Sydney for being honest and having his back!! Marine Mike notes that Alayah is now shooting Sydney daggers, but follows that up with a giggle and, “But she’s sure pretty.” Marine Mike, how little do I know thee? Insert heavy sigh of disappointment here.
Chris Harrison comes strolling into the mansion and announces that Peter is coming over to join the girls for a pool party. Mykenna is all giddy about the pool party. Personally, 25 girls and one guy in a pool does not seem like a fun pool party to me. I would go heavy on the cocktails. What’s this? Peter comes over and shows everyone he is a pool party pooper. He says he’s not feeling his best today and not really up for a pool party. Peter takes Sydney aside and asks her more about Alayah. He also askes Kelsey who confirms that pageant girls can turn it on and off, but he has to figure it out for himself. A parade of the girls all come through and confirm that Alayah acts one way for the cameras and another way in front of them.
Whoa, Alayah just shot me the moon through some black lace bloomers she’s wearing over her swimsuit. Usually the producers are all about putting a black box over people’s privates, but not today. Folks, her tiny bum was shaking through her pantaloons. I had to cover my eyes.
Peter and Madison are sitting down and Peter can’t get over how genuine Madison is. She can’t get over their first date because they both care about their families, and she can’t believe they have that in common. For reals, who could believe that someone else might care about their family? Totes unbelievable.
Alayah takes Peter aside and tells him that she’s “never had her authenticity called into question.” He tells her that his biggest worry is that someone is there for the wrong reasons and he will give his heart to the wrong person. She validates his fear and understands why he would be concerned about something like that. He asks her if she can understand why some of the other gals might think she’s a little fake. She says, no, she doesn’t understand, that she chooses to be happy, and she’s just genuine and drawn to him, and she can’t fake feelings, she can’t fake emotions, she’s a horrid liar, she can’t fake chemistry, she CAN’T FAKE IT! Peter chooses to believe her. Bad move, Pilot Pete.
Victoria P comes out in a fluorescent pink bikini wearing her glasses, making it difficult to decode whether she is Victoria P or Demi B. When Pilot Pete asks her about Alayah, VP tells PP that Alayah asked her to lie about knowing each other from the pageant circuit. She also says, “Coming into this, she [Alayah] was open to all the opportunities that would come out of this, even if you weren’t her husband, so maybe she’s not the one for you.” I will say, it seemed like it bothered VP to have to say that to Pete, which made me think she is being genuine.
PP then goes to get Alayah for another chat. Alayah starts rambling, “Do you wanna go to our spot? This is like a sacred spot. It’s like our talking spot. We had a hard talk here at our spot. I love our spot. We should always go to our spot. Blah blah blah.” Well, those probably weren’t her exact words, but close enough. So, PP confronts Alayah asking her if she asked VP to lie about the two of them knowing each other before coming on the show. Alayah admits to that, says it wasn’t a lie, and she just did it so that neither one of them would get kicked off the show. She vehemently denies lying, again proclaiming she did it so they could stay on the show. Isn’t that still lying though? So much for being a horrid liar, she seems quite good at it. Sweet Pete is not happy, and unless my Spidey senses deceive me, he definitely thinks Alayah is a liar. Chris Harrison announces that the most boring pool party EVER is now over, and they won’t see PP again until the rose ceremony. Mykenna breaks into tears, crying that time is their most precious commodity and now they won’t get any of it with Peter.
When we come off commercial, Alayah is still the focus, saying the last thing she expected was being called a liar and manipulative. “To hear that somebody I considered an ally and a friend coming into this just slaughtering my name is very upsetting.” Gurl, there ain’t no allies in a room full of women competing for the same man, trust me. I’m throwing this out there: Alayah looks like Natalie Portman.
Rose ceremony: Kelsey, Hannah Ann, Natasha, Lexi, Madison, Shiann, Kelley, Kiarra, (someone grab the smelling salts, I think Mykenna’s going down, btw), Tammy, Savannah, Deandra all get roses, and then Peter steps out. He talks to Chris, who then comes back to the ceremony and removes one of the last two roses. I’m confused as to how this helped the situation. Mykenna is still about to pass out. Marine Mike is worried for Peter on the day when Mykenna finally does NOT get a rose. He feels she will fashion a shiv and stab our Peter with it. She seriously looked like she was going to have some kind of breakdown for a while there. Peter ends up giving the final rose to Mykenna saving her breakdown for another day. He sends Alayah packing. Peter tells the girls he will see them next week, but he doesn’t stay for a champagne toast.
What’s this? Sweet Pete goes back to the producers and says, “I don’t know if I want her to leave right now.” Oh goodness, is evil Alayah coming back?
Next week, some major bombshells are happening! The Bach is turning the volume to high!! We hear Victoria EFF say that she used to date Chase Rice who is playing a concert for her and PP, and…..Alayah comes back!
Outtakes: Sweet Pete rides a bull. They show Victoria P turning the speed WAY up on it, and Pete goes flying off. That was kind of mean for someone who claims to be World’s Greatest Caregiver. Bobs out.
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