While perusing https://www3.abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor, I found some interesting facts about Pete’s girls in their bios:
Apparently, Victoria P’s “biggest fears are murky waters she can’t see her feet in, and chicken served on the bone.” KFC just lost a spokesperson. “Nothing upsets Victoria more than finding raisins in her cookies.” I feel this means that Ol’ Vic has a low tolerance threshold. Raise your hand if you would actually be UPSET if there was a raisin in your cookie. Here’s a thought: Choose a different cookie. Don’t eat a cookie that day. Lots of options here. Just sayin’.
Alexa is described as a “hippie” who is “all about love and acceptance, but at the same time, this girl has opinions and isn’t afraid to express them. She prides herself on being the type of person to call people out to their face rather than behind their back.” Okay, can we all agree that people who just want to tell you bad things about yourself to your face are also known as RUDE people? Don’t get me wrong, if I have an issue that we can work out, please come and politely have a conversation with me. But telling me that you think my outfit is nasty or I’m having a bad hair day, just because you don’t feel the need to lie? Rude. It’s just rude.
Okay, our friend, Eunice, is described as a “reformed party girl.” I get it. That’s me. I used to love to party. I still like to have a glass of champagne and get my drink on. It just doesn’t happen very often anymore. I’m down with Eunice wanting to settle down, but then, we get to the next part of her bio: “Eunice’s favorite country to visit is Greece, and she can knock back ouzo like it’s water. Eunice’s signature dance move is the ponytail helicopter.” Ha!!! If you can knock back ouzo like it’s water, you have NOT reformed!! AND, the ponytail helicopter? My favorite dance move is the Hand Roll and Point. The ponytail helicopter is definitely a party girl move.
“Kiarra LOVES talking and says her greatest skill is that she can literally talk to a brick wall about anything and everything.” Stop right there. Do NOT give her a rose. You do not want to listen to inane chatter for the rest of your life, Pete. Her only real gift is contorting her body to fit in a suitcase anyway.
“Lauren says she has exit interviews with all of her exes to figure out what went wrong.” I’m disturbed by this. If I gave exit interviews to all my ‘exes,’ I would have an encyclopedic set of Bobs knowledge. No one is interested in that. Not even me.
Tammy has scared me from the beginning. She just looks like she wants to kick some a**. Her bios says, “Tammy tried to join the boys wrestling team as a junior but was turned away! She responded by showing up to every practice and pushing forward on a Title IX complaint until they accepted her. Good thing they did, because once on the team, she went on to have a 7-1 record wrestling on the boys’ varsity team.” I’m curious as to the wins. A plethora of questions come to mind that don’t really need to be asked here. I’m not happy with her litigious efforts at pushing a Title IX complaint forward though. Bach producers, you need to watch out for this one….
AND ON WITH THE SHOW!!!
Back to Hannah and Peter…Hannah needs to tell him she’s tied to ‘Dancing with the Stars’ and can’t be a girl in his house right now, but she’ll keep him on the back burner. The cameras move to the other girls on the date, who are quite up in arms about Hannah being involved in their date. The good news is that the producers have refreshed Hannah’s mascara since last show, when she was looking like the late Tammy Faye Bakker, God rest her soul.
Hannah climbs on Peter’s lap. Marine Mike is sitting next to me and makes the comment that he wouldn’t mind if Hannah crawled on his lap. Oh, MM, you know you only have eyes for me. Leaving us all hanging, Peter and Hannah break it off, and Peter goes to find the other girls. He leaves Hannah looking like a very depressed man wishing he had the love of the Beast. We bid you, adieu, sweet Hannah. Hope to see you as the next Bachelorette! I could totally do another season of Hannah B.
Peter gathers the group date girls together and announces, “As you all saw, Hannah B was here today.” Unless they are blind, Peter, they couldn’t have missed her. She gave them intimate details about the sex you had in the windmill, they KNOW she was there. Peter tells them that he needs to take some time to think about Hannah because his feelings haven’t gone away. Nasty Natasha snarks out, “SHE hasn’t gone away. Every time I see you, I’ve seen her.” Peter tells her that’s a fair statement, which it IS, however, Natasha came across as being crabby, cranky, cross, crotchety, fiery, grouchy, grumpy, and irascible. It was not a pretty look on her. Peter tells the girls he feels like a complete jerk, but he’s heading out anyway, and off he goes.
The girls are very irritated, except for Sydney, who says, “I thinks he’s okay, because we’re here, and I’m here, and I’m ready to show him I’m ready.” I feel like Syd did not have a perfect SAT score, you know?
Anyway, the girls are sent off to the after party to await Pilot Pete, and Natasha is coming across as a Queen B, if you know what I mean. She has RBF to the max, and sweet Pete just needs to send her home. Have a cocktail, Natasha, and get over it. Have three cocktails and move on. Natasha has not imbibed and continues to be coldly sober and mean. Peeps, I generally don’t believe that alcohol solves problems, HOWEVER, in the off-chance I was stuck in a mansion with 27 other women, competing for the heart of one man, that might be the instance when alcohol is EXACTLY what was needed and I would make full use of it.
Simple Syds talks to Pete and tells him that she has been a victim of bullying and racial profiling, so all the emotions she experienced there, were brought out with the whole Hannah thing. I do not see the correlation. I’ll be honest, I THINK that was what she was saying, her conversation’s kind of hard to track.
Mykenna asks PP to show her how to dance, and he says, “I do this weird snap thing, and then an airwalk.” Whoa, that was some of the worst dancing I’ve ever seen. Definitely white boy dancing. What is with Pete constantly throwing girls up on tables and bars to make out with them? Neck problems? No chiro on set? Anyway, Sweet Syd gets the group date rose. Is it just me, or does she seem prepubescent? At least in her personality.
Cocktail party: Lexi goes off with Peter and is trying really hard to give off a Kirsten Stewart, ‘I’m super cool’ vibe. She’s succeeding. Peter tells her that he has some red hair in his beard and points to it so that Ginger Lexi will kiss it. She does, and they proceed to make out.
Kelsey sets up a champagne bottle and two glasses by the fireplace. Right when she’s going to grab sweet Pete to open the champagne, MyKenna snatches him. When she comes back, Kelsey let’s Mykenna know that was unfair. Kelsey, Miss Iowa 2017, is flipping out. Gurl, this is the way the game is played. You snooze, you lose. Go get him now instead of yelling at these other girls.
Next up, Madison and sweet Pete rekindle their romance. PP gives Madison a photo of him and his family, and honestly, Madison’s saccharine personality kind of makes my skin crawl. Can anyone be that sweet?? Her job is a foster parent recruiter. Her bio says, “Madison loves working with foster kids and wants to open an orphanage one day.” Has this girl run the pageant circuit? No, she’s the basketball player with the mean jump shot. Having been a BB player myself, I’m well aware of the competitive spirit of athletes. I’m sure Madison was smiling as she was elbowing someone in the teeth gathering a rebound…
On to Kelsey…what’s this? Hannah Ann and Peter find the champagne that Kelsey got for her birthday and has been saving for a year, and THEY pop it open! Now, friends, this is in the background of Kelsey talking with the other girls about how important this bottle of champagne is to her. How she’s been saving it for sweet Pete, how she can’t wait to share it with him, then all of a sudden, POP! Kelsey walks over to the unsuspecting Hannah Ann and Peter and upon spying the open champagne bottle, she starts bawling…her support team surrounds her to comfort her, but Kelsey runs off. Peter tries to entice her to come out of her room, but she doesn’t, so he goes back to Hannah Ann, who’s the one he really cares about anyway. At which point, Kelsey comes storming out of her room and confronts Hannah Ann yelling at her that Hannah Ann purposely stole Kelsey’s bottle.
Miraculously, another champagne bottle appears. (Thank you producers.) Kelsey settles down and decides to drink it with Peter. Peter pops it while all the girls clap for Kelsey. PP asks Kelsey if she wants to drink from the bottle or the glass, and she says “The bottle. I’m not a classy bitch all the time. “ He gives her the bottle, and people, I am wetting myself here, I can’t breathe I’m laughing so hard, the bubbly basically erupts in her mouth and sprays all over her face. You HAVE to see it! Sadly, I tried to Google it, but could not locate a clip.
More confrontation: Hannah Ann tries to talk to Kelsey, who tells her not to come near her. Hannah Ann, ever polite, says she respects her opinion and if that’s what she wants…then she goes on to say “I acknowledge your feelings….I’m going to tell you what, if Hannah Ann says she acknowledges anyone’s feelings again….What does that mean anyway? She’s said it three times now. I could care less if someone acknowledges my feelings. Acknowledge just means to “take notice of.” HA could have said, “I noticed your feelings.” Means nothing. I have spent WAY too long on this and need to move on.
Rose ceremony: Lauren, Courtney, and Payton go home.
Group date: Alexa, Mykenna, Lexi, Natasha, Victoria EFF, Hannah Ann, and Kelsey. Date care says, “Time to let your personalities shine.” Victoria EFF feels skeered. I am telling you, this girl is scared of nothing. Me no trusty. They go into a store called “Revolve.” Carson Kressly, Janice Dickinson, and someone involved in Revolve are there. Janice has had a LOT of plastic surgery. When I say a LOT, I don’t mean some. I am telling you, Michael Jackson, God rest his soul, had nothing on her.
The girls pick clothes that they are going to model for a runway show. EFF pretends like she’s getting all nervous and says she feels overwhelmed. Translation: “ I’m ALWAYS the lead act on the stripper stage. I’m usually sleeping with any man I meet, so competing with other gals isn’t my style.” Was that too mean? I get a bad vibe from her.
Runway show: All the girls look super cute, because let’s face it, they’re super cute girls. Hannah Ann comes out in a wedding gown. Mykenna looks like a Vegas showgirl. EFF says that PP knows her as the girl who “whispers,” and she’s about to change that. She steps up her game and dons a robe and teddy, then proceeds to make out with Sweet Pete on her way back down the runway. Meanwhile, Janice Dickinson is just trying to find one of them who could be a decent model. The final two in the runway show comes down to Hannah and Eff. Hannah keeps slapping Eff with her gown. EFF runs off crying and acting defenseless and fragile. PRODUCERS get her a tissue before she wipes her nose on that gown! Hannah Ann wins a ton of crap from Revolve. I just checked out www.revolve.com and there is some expensive stuff there! Whoa. Good on Hannah Ann.
PP is talking to EFF, who is pretending that she’s so mentally unstable that she doesn’t know if she can continue being there. I just feel this is all a bunch of BS. Pete tries to boost her ego. He asks her how she made it through the runway show. Um, alcohol. Alcohol is how she made it through the show. She would have made it anyway, though, because she’s a big faker. She cries and he consoles, and she’s fine and here to see another day.
PP goes to Kelsey with a bottle of champagne, which I hope puts an end to Champagne-gate. But I know it won’t be that easy. Flash over to Hannah Ann who says she feels as if she was being bullied by Kelsey. Bully is a word that is thrown around a little too much these days. Hannah Ann is fine. She begins tattle-telling on Kelsey by telling PP that she stayed up “all last night crying. ALL last night crying.” She also tells him she felt bullied. Pete makes out with her and tells her he REALLY likes her. That soothes HA a wee bit. She’s 23 years old going on 14. Pilot Pete goes out to give the group rose date. Both Hannah and Kelsey are feeling confident that they will get it. WRONG-O! The group date rose goes to EFF! Are you kidding me? That faker totally has Petey snowed.
PP then asks to speak to Kelsey. Hannah Ann’s plan is working perfectly. You can almost see her rubbing her hands together with delight. He addresses the bullying issue with Kelsey. I’m quite sure the producers MADE him address the bullying issue to keep ABC out of a potential lawsuit. Kelsey denies bullying Hannah Ann and tells Pete that she is not a bully, because she has been bullied in the past. (Because of course, you can NEVER BE a bully if you have been bullied yourself.) Oh Mylanta, we’ve all been bullied to one degree or another. GROW A PAIR. Also, I have googled the Webster’s dictionary definition of bullying, and it reads, “abuse and mistreatment of someone vulnerable by someone stronger, more powerful, etc.” Hannah Ann is anything but vulnerable. These girls are on an even playing field, so Kelsey is not stronger, ergo, Hannah Ann was not being bullied.
Next week: It doesn’t look like Champagne-gate is going away anytime soon. Hannah Ann is seen crying, “I am not a champagne stealer!!” LOTS more drama ahead, too. Pete’s mom crying, “Don’t let her go. Don’t let her go. Bring her home to us.” Peeps, from the previews, it looks like little Peter may be getting a lot of action this season. Conspiracy theory: Is it possible he has impregnated someone and that’s what mama is crying about? Talk amongst yourselves.
Outtake: Janice Dickinson is asking Natasha and EFF about the scoop in the house. Janice gives the good advice to them not to fart. If they have to fart, they are to cough over it. Does Janice think this is their first date? EVERYONE knows that.
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