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ChampagneGate

Friends,

As I sit back with a glass of Cook’s champagne, only the best for me, (You can get like a gallon of it at Sam’s Club for $10); I continue to giggle at the wonders of ChampagneGate. I would like to remind everyone that Kelsey is a pageant girl; of course, so was Honey Boo-boo….but I digress. Focusing back on Kelsey, the moment when that champagne came barreling out of the bottle all over her face was a classic Bach moment the likes of which I will never forget. Did the producers shake the bottle before they gave it to Peter? Seriously, why did it come erupting out with such force? If I were Hannah Ann, I would have been laughing my happy ass off in the corner and snickering every time Kelsey walked by me. That poor girl will be in memes from now through eternity. But who am I kidding? I want more TV like that.

Moving on to RunwayGate. No one is talking about this because ChampagneGate overshadows everything, but did anyone else see Hannah Ann slapping Victoria EFF with her dress at the end of the runway? Believe me, I am not an EFF fan, but I thought Hannah Ann was overly aggressive. Hannah Ann comes off as being three-hanky, lovey dovey, and saccharinely sweet, but I see her as a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I just see EFF as a wolf. She’s not nice, people. Everything I read about her calls her a husband/boyfriend stealer. What’s up with that? Go find your own man, EFF. Of course, this could all be salacious gossip, so I’ll just shutty.

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Bachelorette Tayshia Adams; Episode Recap; 12/1/20

December 1, 2020

Tayshia calls on JoJo Fletcher for advice. Also, I think this is when Chris H takes a hiatus to take his son to college or something. Am I crazy or has JoJo had some work done? She looks different to me. Squirrel: Did you all see those delicious looking rolls in that basket? YUM!

Back with the boys, Chris Harrison walks in, and indeed explains that he will be taking his son to college and JoJo will be stepping in. Enter JoJo who drops off a date card for Zac. Zac tells us he has a story to tell Tayshia, so get ready for confessions to begin. Tay and Zac are going to have their wedding photos taken, and they walk around the corner to meet Franco Lacosta, creative director. I’m assuming he’s the creative director for the Bachelorette? But that is never really made clear. Can we talk about Franco’s outfit for a moment? LOVE the purple shoes, but I could have done without his shorty shorts. Thoughts? Zac walks out in my least favorite tux: white jacket and black pants. Franco tells Tay: “Choo look ama-sing, and now choo going to look like a bri-yide.” Uh, hold it, I thought the white coat/black pants was my least favorite tux until I saw that silver/black/gold brocade suit he sported a few minutes later-ick.

Zac tells Tay about his party boy ways when he was younger. Tay loves it and gives him the rose. That’s all I gonna say about that. We’ve all had our indiscretions, so I’m not here to judge. However, I will say, “Whoa, is Tay’s dress cut super high or what?”

Group date: Tay and the boys go off to become artistic. Bennett is acting like a complete douche, thinking he’s all Rique’ Suave’ and a little better than the rest of us. He blindfolds Tay and then starts making out with her as if that’s a special surprise.  I like him better when he takes himself a little more lightly. The guys are asked to do a self-portrait which they are taking very seriously, and it’s a bit depressing. We’re hearing cancer, neglected familial relationships, abusive family situations; we’re seeing turtle doves, hearts, missing puzzle pieces, and symbols of their love for Tay. Then we get to Ben, who literally took the self-portrait seriously, and drew this goofy picture of himself, but when he sees what everyone else did, he realizes that he failed, so he goes in the back, takes off his clothes, comes out in a robe NAKED, and tells Tay that he’s giving her his physical body. Of course, the entire time, his hand is covering his junk, so it never seems as sincere as he meant it to be. Tayshia runs away crying because she is so moved by it all. Also, she was very sad that one hand was able to cover all of Ben’s junk.

At the group date cocktail party, Ben blindsides Tay with the fact that he had an eating disorder for ten years. Then he says, no one knows but my sister. Well, no one until now, right Ben? Friends, how do you go from only your sister knowing to like four million people in ten seconds and not think twice about it? It will forever remain a mystery. But because he bared his soul, Ben gets the rose.

Tay leaves the group date with a little shocker, she calls out Bennett and Noah on their bickering and tells them she’s going to get to the bottom of it. Noah talks about how Bennett talks down to him. My personal feelings are that neither one of you have extra brain cells to spare, and they need to stop wasting the ones they do have on each other.

Eazy and Tay’s date: She’s taking him to a haunted cottage. She runs out from the bushes and scares the crappy-do out of him, then tells him they are going ghost hunting. Friends, they’re walking around this hotel, and they’re acting all surprised at every little noise, jumping from every sound, and it’s a bit far-fetched. Obviously, they are filming with a crew from a VERY famous show that could have and did set this all up, so I don’t even know how they’re pretending to be afraid. They then go to dinner and Eazy keeps saying, “That was a cute-ass date, that was a cute-ass date.” Yeah, okay.

You know what I HATE about the Bachelor? When someone isn’t getting the rose, but the lead picks UP the rose as if they are going to give it to them, and the person is all smiles because they think they are getting the rose, but then they are totally turned down and asked if they can be walked out. That’s what just happened to Eazy. It was sad. Goodbye Eazy. Hopefully your sexual allegation charges will be disproved, and we will see you in Paradise.

Okay, I also dislike when we don’t have a rose ceremony at the end of the show. This show is ending with Noah and Bennett. Bennett is giving Noah a gift, because he says he’s been a peacemaker all his life and if he had known there was tension, he would have made peace earlier. SO he asks Noah if he can go through the box and explain the gifts. Noah gives him the green light, and Bennett starts explaining. The first gift in the box is a red bandana, something to do with a ranch in Oklahoma, followed by a pair of  mustache socks, which Bennett says he wore the other day, but they have been washed since. Finally, he gives Noah a book on Emotional Intelligence. He explains that there are four Emotional Intelligences and Noah is deficient in three. He also tells Noah that he is NOT trying to belittle him, he believes these gifts will truly help Noah improve himself.  Bennett is blissfully unaware of his own arrogance. Bennett tries to come across as if he is there only for Noah and to help him, and in Bennett’s mind, that may be true….

Tay comes out and tells Noah and Bennett that she wants them to be done with their pettiness. Noah repeats his insinuation that Bennett is questioning Tayshia’s integrity. Bennett sincerely says, “I don’t think I am.” Tay then spots Bennett’s gift and asks, “What’s in that box?” Cue the music and cut to next week’s previews. Murrell out.

Tayshia Adams- Bachelorette; 11/24/20, Noah tells Lies, lies, lies!

I sit here with special guest host Marine Mike. He usually makes some fairly humorous comments as he pretends to play games on his phone, but keeps one eye on the television. Noah and Chasen are lying on the outdoor bed together, which is weird in itself, but I do think Noah looks a million times better without his mustache.

Chris comes with a sort of group date challenge; the boys have to write and perform a love song to Tayshia to win a FABULOUS one on one date with her. Only certain boys are included though-Demar, Riley, Bennett, Kenny, and Blake. They mostly look lost, but Demar kind of looks like he knows what he’s doing.

Bennett mentions that he went to Harvard, so I take my first drink of the evening. Marine Mike notices that Kenny is a ‘Boy Band Manager’ and he utters his first, “This show is painful to watch” of the evening. Kenny is a horrible singer, and as someone involved in the music business, one would think he would be at least be on pitch. Blake tries to play the accordion, but fails miserably. Bennett decides that rapping is a good idea, and I am here to tell you, it wasn’t. Demar did a good job, and so did sweet Ivan. Tay proclaims Ivan the winner, and Demar is crushed.

Tayshia invites Ivan to her pad. She says she’s excited because it’s comfortable and fun, and it’s in “my place.” Friend, you’ve been there for two weeks, IF that, so not technically YOUR place. When Ivan gets there she tells him they’re going to order room service first, and then play some games. But the games start right away, and the first game is “the floor is lava.” Are we six years old? SO they can’t touch the floor on their way to the boudoir where the phone is located to order room service. Then when they get there, Tayshia starts a pillow fight WHILE Ivan’s on the phone with room service, and feathers are flying everywhere. The only thing I can think of is that if I’m on the clean up crew, I’m pissed about right now.

What in the world are Tay and Ivan eating? Room service brought them a bowl in which you could literally bathe a small child and filled it with Neapolitan ice cream. Well, that’s a waste. It looks like it holds about four gallons.

Group date: Zac, Kenny, Bennett, Riley, Blake and Demar are on the next date. It seems like they were just on the last one. I mean why are we not including Joe or Eazy or Spencer or some of the others? Noah cries with disappointment about not being included, and Bennett sets him straight by telling him the purpose of a group date is to earn a rose and since he already has a rose, what’s he whining about? Touché’ Bennie ole’ boy.

Ivan is talking about his painful past, and once again, he seems like the sweetest guys truly, but why do we expose all of our problems on NATIONAL television? He does say that all the stuff he’s been through and seen his brother go through has helped him to not be so judgey and be more sympathetic to people’s problems. True dat, Ivan.

But friends, how long is he going to talk? He’s now made Tayshia cry, and Tayshia says “Being in Orange County (a wealthy county in SoCal) and being the only person who looks like me (does she mean beautiful?) I’m realizing that I’ve been trying to blend everything because I knew I was different.” Hmm, she seems kind and intelligent and beautiful and if anyone has made her feel less than that, well shame on them, and that’s all I’m going to say about that. Ivan gets the rose.

On to the group date: Becca Kufrin and Sydney join Tay and the boys to play “Tayshia’s Truth or Dare.” Okay, it’s not your traditional truth or dare, because they don’t have a chance to tell a truth, they always have to take a dare. There’s a spot where they have to drink some nasty drinks that have things in them like buffalo testicles and beetles, another place where they have to pretend to have the big O on the hotel phone, and then they have to have Chris Harrison sign their butt cheek. The final test was to eat a whole Habanero pepper and confess their love to Tay. Bennett even went so far as to propose.

Bennett seems to be falling in love, Tay calls Blake a sweetheart. Riley is an attorney (drink). Demar says his biggest fear about marriage is divorce (winner). Zac reminds me of Nick Viall, so he’s out in my book. He tells Tay he’s quiet because he gets nervous around her, and she says, “that’s cute.” Umm, that would have been cute in the 6th grade. He’s 36  years old; it’s not cute anymore. They make out in the hot tub, so group date rose goes to Zac.

Ben is crying because he hasn’t had any time with Tay this week. His bio lists him as an Army veteran. I get sad when production does that, because let me translate: Ben’s too young to have a retirement check coming in from the army, and veteran means he’s no longer in the army, so to make a long story short, HE’S UNEMPLOYED. I have learned that he is a fitness guru in Venice Beach, so that means he’s unemployed with a view.

Ben decides to go talk to Tay because he’s worried that she’s disappointed in him, so we see someone walking and then they knock, but instead of Tay, Chris Harrison opens the door, and we find Ed there instead of Ben, but Chris is a gentleman and invites him in for a drink, so who knows? Maybe Chris and Ed will have their own fantasy suite. Meanwhile, Ben finds his way to Tayshia’s place and they work things out, and by work things out, I mean Ben shoves his tongue down Tay’s throat and all is well.

Cocktail party: Ben grabs Tay first and all the gents seem happy for him, HOWEVER, they are unaware that he snuck over to her house last night and had time with her then. Riley makes her sign a boyfriend/girlfriend agreement, which makes Marine Mike heavy sigh and roll his eyes.

Trouble in the form of Noah is now talking to Tay and stirring the pot of drama. He’s telling Tay that the other boys are saying that she just gave him the rose to start doo-doo in the house. (I never heard that, but okay…) He won’t let it go, even when she tells him that’s not the case, he tells her that the guys are questioning her integrity. That pushes the right/wrong buttons with Tay, and now she’s super angry and asks everyone to meet her in another room. Cut to commercial and yikes.

So Tay rips the boys a new one for questioning her integrity, cancels the rest of the cocktail party, and storms off. The guys kind of look at each other and you hear one say, “Did I miss something?” They’re all confused, and then Noah admits he was the last one to speak to her. They ask him what he said that made her act this way, and he starts lying. We know that he’s lying because his lips are moving. Here’s my question: WHY did Tay believe him? He needs to step up and be a man and tell her the truth before the rose ceremony, but we all know that will never happen.

Rose Ceremony: It’s kind of funny because Noah is just staring off to the side, avoiding the evil glares of the other guys. His head is liked angled weirdly, but he won’t turn it because then he would have to face the fact that he’s been a bad boy. Tay gives Ben the first rose, followed by Eazy, Riley, Brendan, Bennett, Blake, Demar, Spencer, and the final rose goes to…Ed. Uck. I would have picked Joe or Jordan over him any day of the week, but he is kind of funny, and maybe Chris wants him to stick around if you know what I mean. Kenny, Joe, Chasen, and Jordan are heading home tonight.

Noah learns nothing from this and is caught saying, “If anything, I’m going to take it up a notch.” He is emerging as a super-villain.

Flashback to Chris and Ed in Chris’s apartment. Ed tells Chris that all the guys are noticing that he doesn’t knock any more. Chris seems genuinely confused by this. Ed explains, “The first time you came over, you knocked. Now you just walk in. I think the guys want the knock.” Chris laughs and agrees to knock in the future. Problem solved. Murrell out.

Tayshia Adams Bachelorette, Mustache-Gate, Talk to me, Goose 11/17/20

In case you didn’t know, Bennett went to Hahvuhd. He has boasted about this several times. This will become especially important in this next group date. Ashley and Jarrod show up to present the group date boys with the Grown Ass Man Challenge. Bennett brags about how well he will do, because he went to Harvard, and how smart he is, because he went to Harvard, so we all know that means that he’s going to tank the academic part of this challenge. He looks especially ignorant when he complains that the questions aren’t worded well. Everyone else got them correct, Benny old boy. What’s this? Bennett says he can’t compete in the tug o’ war challenge because of an old football knee injury. Right, Benny. Can I just take a moment to say that Tay looks A-MAZING in that leafy green patterned silky dress! Bennett gets in a white robe and serves Tay some beignets in bed. Tay calls him bougie. But then says, “That’s okay, because I’m bougie too.” For those of you who are seeking a clearer meaning on what being ‘bougie’ entails, it means “Aspiring to be a higher class than one is.” I feel like Bennett would die if he knew she called him that, because I get the feeling that he believes he is already better than the rest of us.

So now we’re at the group date cocktail party and Bennett shows up in his robe and he’s ready to take Tay by storm. Is Ben wearing anything under that robe, because he keeps pulling it together around his legs as if he doesn’t want us to get a peek at his gibbly bits. As soon as Tay sits down, Bennett asks if he can steal her. She is kind of surprised and tells him she wants to say hi to everyone first, so she says hi, and then Chasen asks to steal her and she says, “Yeah, sure.” SO totally a slap in the face to Benny boy. You can tell he’s hurt. Here’s my thought. Bennett’s best hope is Bachelor in Paradise. You know he’ll be on it. AND he’ll be on the one after that, because he will never find anyone who’s good enough for him. And THEN, when Wells marries Modern Family girl, Bennett will take over as bartender and become a permanent piece of Bachelor scenery. And that’s all Bennett really wants in life anyway.

I’m loving Ivan. I just think he’s cute and sweet. Might I say that I find the whole blindfolding and being fed strawberries rather weird though. Do you get a stronger sense of taste when another one of your senses is removed? Anyway, he feeds her ONE strawberry and then he sticks his tongue down her throat. Well-played, Ivan.

So Ed lost the Grown Ass Man challenge, and as the designated man-child, he has to carry an infant around with him. The funny thing is, he’s totally owning it, and carrying it with him everywhere, so I say good for Ed. But now, he proves himself a man-child as he goes to Tayshia and commits the ultimate Bachelor mistake by tattling on one of the other guys. This time, it’s Chasen who is thrown under the bus for being fake and not there for the right reasons. Tay then grabs Chasen to clarify what’s going on. Chasen denies everything, and now Tayshia is contemplating her next steps.

Chasen runs out to confront Ed and he’s yelling; and what is their deal? They act like because Tay’s sitting backstage like ten feet away, she no longer has the ability to hear them. As soon as Ed sees her though, he starts shushing Chasen like a little kid, (Shhh, sit down, shh, here she comes.) Chasen refuses, but then he sees Tay and calms down. She ends up giving Ivan the group date rose.

Fast forward to the rose ceremony cocktail party and Tayshia walks out looking smoking hot in a thigh-high cut dress. I definitely have a girl-crush on Tay. Bennett and Ed are having a conversation about Chasen’s use of grammar, and how he mistakenly used a noun when he should have used an adjective or something like that. Those two need to get a life. IF that’s the worse they can say about someone, they need to find some new material. Ed goes up to Tayshia and starts tattling on Chasen again. At first, I was like, ‘okay Ed, you go,’ but now I’m like, “ED, snitches get stitches, just shutty!”

Tayshia grabs Chasen and tells him he just needs to back off from Ed and not let him bother him, and so Chasen mans up and goes to apologize to Ed. They just keep talking in circles, so Zac and Bennett confront them to put a stop to their nonsense.

Rose ceremony: Zac gets the first rose, then Riley, Kenny, Ben, Demar, Bennett, Spencer, Jordan, Noah, Blake, Ed, and the final rose goes to Chasen. Come on, we all knew it. Ed and Chasen make good tv, so they’re staying. Ed looks like he’s about to call the Gambino family out to perform a hit on Chasen. I’d sleep with one eye open tonight, Chasen. Also, I did not see Eazy get a rose, but he’s still in the competition.

New Game: Every time Chasen says ‘Tayshia is a smoke show’ you must drink. So irritating. The guy’s a Neanderthal. He keeps calling himself Wolverine, which is rather nauseating, too.

The group date is a wrestling date. Fun times, Chris and Wells are the announcers for wrestling! I LOVE Wells! When Spencer throws Ben down, Wells utters the immortal words, “Whoa, he nailed him like he was in the Fantasy Suite!” Wells is one witty guy.

Ed and Chasen are supposed to go in the ring, and at the time they call them up, Ed yells out to Chris to come over and chat. Ed then tells Chris that he has some chronic shoulder injuries, and doesn’t want to hurt himself wrestling Chasen. At this point, I am screaming. “Could you be more of a wuss, Ed?!” The answer is NO, NO he could not be more of a wuss.

When Ed won’t fight, Chris H asks if anyone will fight for Chasen tonight. At that point, a producer helps Noah jump the fence to win Tayshia’s heart.  (JK about the producer, but you know that was totally planned.) Now friends, Noah has the WORST mustache in the WORLD, a fact Wells immediately points out, BUT he was super cute to jump the fence for Tay. He loses the match with Chasen, but Tay asks him to join their cocktail party anyway. Bennett gets all bent out of shape about it, mainly because he didn’t think of it first. The other guys are vewwy mad as well. The big babies.

At the group date cocktail party, Noah talks to Tayshia first. During their convo, she mentions his mustache and he laughs. Friends, he looks like Anthony Edwards in Top Gun. I’monna post a pic, and you tell me if I’m not right. Anyway, the next thing we know, Noah is gone, and we all have a sneaking suspicion that he’s going to go shave his ‘stache. He comes back and interrupts Jordan to talk to Tay with a razor in his hand. She shaves his face, and says, “You actually look kind of hot!” Which is funny, because what did she think of him before? He does look a million times better, so I’m super glad she talked him into it.

Tay heads back to the cocktail party, and the guys are super upset that Noah got any time with her, and they are very unhappy when he gets the group date rose. Fellas, this is all about winning the woman’s heart, and Noah knew how to play the game, or his producer knew how he could score points with Tay anyway. They keep dissing on his age, but he’s 25, so it’s not like he’s 16 or anything. The gentlemen are acting like a bunch of spoiled teenage girls.

The show basically ends here, and we can look forward to next week when it looks like Noah will be called out for being a fake, or is that just clever editing? Murrell out.

Tayshia Adams, the Bachelorette Who Should Always Have Been 11/10/20 #sunshine #freshair

The men are all sweaty and chatty about who will be the next Bachelorette. They claim to want to find love, but they’re concerned about who might walk through the door. Let’s think about that for a minute, shall we? The Bach doesn’t really deal with uggos, right? Not that everyone doesn’t have some beauty within themselves, but you know what I mean, huh? They aren’t sending a porky, but pleasant, 58 year old through that door; can I get a ‘Hell No’? Settle down boys. So Tayshia walks through the door and the men breathe a collective sigh of relief. Eazy wants to get out his spoon and fork, ‘cuz he looks like he’s about ready to eat her, she looks so fine.

All the men are chatting about how excited they are, and yes, one of them went there. He said, “She’s great, AND she’s closer to our age, too.” But he said that last part kind of low and really fast, almost a whisper, like, ‘she’sclosertoouragetoo.’ Because he’s politically correct and doesn’t want to offend us oldies; peeps, you know I’m right. Flash to Jason who is having mouth diarrhea because he can’t shut up about Clare, so he’s probably going to get kicked off. I would kick him off. You know you would too.

Chris Harrison steps in and tells Tayshia everything’s about to change, so cue the dramatic music, but it’s all good, because a limo pulls up with more guys. Spencer steps out first and he’s super-hot, but I can’t tell if he was actually expecting to see Clare, because he tells Tayshia she’s unexpected, so I don’t know what that means. He also goes in to meet the guys and asks, “Which one of you scared away Clare?” Touché, Spense. This bothers most of the boys who shake their heads, except for Kenny who wants to give him the first impression rose. Noah steps out of the limo, and am I wrong in saying that he has a cheesy mustache? It looks like it’s his first try at growing one. Awful.

Spencer grabs Tayshia first. He opens with telling her that he’s 30, and then asks her how old she is. In my day (picture me saying this with a shaky voice and leaning on a cane), you didn’t ask a lady how old she was. Whatevs, he’s really cute, so I’ll give him a pass. Yes, I’m shallow.

So Tayshia is proving completely different from Clare, she wants to get to know everyone and she’s trying to give all the guys some time, so they are probably really loving her. She gives the first impression rose to Spencer. Well played, Tayshia. Bennett proves ever the gentleman and tells Spencer congratulations. Blake is jonesing out over the fact that there is a rose ceremony, and he might be going home. Calm down, Blake. All will be well. Tayshia cancels the rose ceremony and just takes time to get to know the boys. Blake and the others live to see another day.

We cut to Chris who is interviewing Clare and Dale. First thing, Clare shows off her ring, and in her mind, you know she has convinced herself that Dale actually purchased that ring with his hard-earned cash instead of ABC and Neil Lane being involved. Dale walks out and Clare turns into the cat who swallowed the canary, and you can tell she thinks she’s all that and a bag of chips. Once again, the Bachelor couch turns into Clare’s personal therapy sofa, and she begins crying and telling Chris her tale of woe. I’m kind of over it. Chris asks them once again if they had contacted each other before the Bachelor, and they emphatically state “NO.” Clare says she tells Dale over and over and over again that she loves him. Dale responds, “She says it a LOT.” That kind of made me giggle.

I’m going to make a call here; I think Jordan C looks like Malcolm X. Is it just the glasses? I have no idea, but he does. Chris Harrison shows up. That man is earning his pay this season. He has been everywhere. Group date is announced. They head to the pool, where Tayshia arises like a phoenix out of the water to greet her bevy of boys. I guess it’s a group pool date. Friends, I love a pool more than most, however, to be one of many guys with only one girl seems like kind of a downer date. Out of nowhere, Chris Harrison appears (have they upped his salary?), and tells the guys they need to go change because they are going to play some splash ball (which is basketball in a pool). They have to change into speedos, which are just nasty, I don’t care how hot of a guy you are. Back in the water, Spencer is being super aggressive and flailing and clawing as if he’s a six year old who has no clue how to play the game. Riley gives him an elbow and Spence ends up with a bloody mouth. He kind of deserved it.

The blue team wins. I’m noticing they are all covering up their privates, but so is the green team. Speedos must not be their thing.

Cut to Jason who is crying about still not knowing if he would rather be with Clare. A knock is heard at the door for the first one on one date, and Jason is worried that it will be for him, and he doesn’t know if he’s ready. Full of yourself much, buddy? The date was for Brendan, so Jason lucked out.

Meanwhile, back at the group date cocktail party, Eazy is putting the heavy moves on Tayshia. He genuinely seems to like her, but friends, if my sources are correct, Eazy has some serious allegations against him that might affect his future on the show. What kind of allegations? I have no idea, but it doesn’t sound good. It’s too bad, because I’m kind of digging Eazy and I’m definitely digging his suits.

In another area of the cocktail party, Kenny and Riley go off on Spencer and basically tell him he’s acting like a douche. They feel like they’ve paid their dues with Clare, and he needs to back off while they schmooze Tayshia.  I think they’re being a little unfair, because when Tayshia walked in, they were all new to her, so she doesn’t know Spencer any more than she knows any of the other ones. Poor Spense isn’t really getting their vibe either.

Jason is walking around like Moaning Myrtle. I’m screaming in my mind, “Just go HOME, Jason.” He starts crying when the other guys tell him how great he is. Then he lets us all know that for some reason he still has feelings for Clare. DUDE, she is with another man, bid her adieu.  He walks over to Tayshia’s pad to tell her that he’s leaving. Tayshia is SUPER sweet to him, and he’s actually super sweet about the whole thing, but he’s just being an idiot for not giving her a chance. He comes back to the other guys, and mutters these legendary words, “Uhh, it just got really real.” The other guys gasp out a “NO,” and Jason goes on his merry way.

I’m going to stop and take a moment to say that I am LOVING Tayshia as the Bachelorette. She is already a BILLION times better than Clare. I think she is just enjoying the whole process, so good for her.

So Tayshia and Brendan go on the first date, and they’re horseback riding, and to make it seem as if they’re riding through a town, Chris Harrison shows up on the way as the bartender, ice cream vendor, and coconut water provider. It provides some comic relief, but people, Chris is doing more work this season than he’s done in the last 18 years of the show. The man is a worker.

Brendan and Tayshia are now having dinner, and he tells her he has some baggage to unpack, and he lays on her that he’s been married before, and they tried to work things out, but ultimately she didn’t want kids and he really does, so adios ex-wife. Tayshia shares her marital strife story and both she and Brendan bond over their past crappy marriages. Brendan does seem like a super-sweet guy. I didn’t think he was all that handsome, but his personality is growing on me, so I give him two thumbs up. Fireworks go off, and we end the show on a happy note.

The outtakes show Bennett and a guy whose name escapes me talking about Noah’s sleazy mustache, while we get flashes of Noah combing it. I told you it was awful. Murrell out.

The Bachelorette! Clare Crawley AND Tayshia Adams, 11/5/20

Bachelorette Clare Crawley 11/5/20

I am sitting here with my Bachelorette Survival Box, downing wine in my new Bach glass, and chewing on some rose’ gummies. Life is good.

We begin with the guys complaining about feeling defeated after Clare decided not to give out a group date rose. Clare’s acting like a real piece, and the guys are disgusted with it. Flash to Clare journaling: Dear Diary, I’ve just met the cutest, like guy, and after spending like a whole 12 minutes with him, I like, think, I’m like in love. Either that or she’s drawing hearts with “Mrs. Clare Moss” in the middle. I’m really thinking that’s it.

Chris comes over to talk to Clare, and he’s breathing heavily as if he’s just run a 10k to get to her. He basically tells Clare she can’t continue like this. He lets her know the guys are majorly ticked, and she needs to have a serious conversation with herself about what she wants to do. I couldn’t agree more, Chris.  Clare’s letting us all know about the connection she has with Dale, and she’s going on and on and on….. Chris should have been a psychologist, because he gets down to the nitty gritty in less than 20 words, “Clare, you spent your whole life looking for someone that reminds you of your dad. Is Dale that man?”  Clare tears up and mumbles, “I think so.”  Seriously, Clare, you couldn’t have just gone through the process and be a normal Bachelorette like everyone else?

Clare tells Chris she wants to spend all the time she can with Dale, and then Chris asks her if it’s over for the other guys. She nods yes, and he utters the immortal words, “Congratulations, you’ve just blown up the Bachelorette.” I don’t know exactly what that means, but it sounds like this is Tayshia’s cue to enter.

Meanwhile, cut to the guys who are talking about fighting for Clare at the cocktail party. Poor guys, they don’t know what is about to unfold. Enter Chris Harrison, who tells the guys Clare was extremely emotional and let him know that there’s not going to be a cocktail party or a rose ceremony tonight, and he will see them tomorrow. Then Chris asks Dale if he can talk to him outside. The poor gents inside think there’s still hope for them, but we all know there’s not.

Chris tells Dale that Clare wants to spend time with him this evening. Dale’s confused, because he thought he would have at least 6 more episodes to parade his hot bod on television, and he doesn’t know what’s happening.

So Clare and Dale are at dinner (but not dinner, because they’re just sitting outside at a dinner table and I read that they never eat the food, because it’s been sitting there for so long) and Clare’s telling Dale how much he reminds her of her dad. Wait, is this next thing kismet or just a false story? Clare tells Dale that her dad hitchhiked to see her mom after meeting her one time so that he could propose to her. And lo and behold, Dale tells a story that his dad was in Omaha and his mom was doing basketball clinics and HIS dad HITCHHIKED to see his mom. GET OUT OF HERE! (Insert eyeroll.) Clare is so excited about this similar story that she’s about to have a big O. I call BS.

Clare calls Dale ‘emotionally intelligent.’ See, the Bachelorette is all about cerebral conversation and defining a person’s character traits. Dale tells her she has a beautiful aura. At this point, Marine Mike comments that Claire’s going to give Dale her bod whenever he wants it. Okay, he said something much more foul involving her posterior, but whatevs, I don’t think he’s wrong.

Now she tells Dale that she is SO falling in love with him. Dale tells her that when he saw her, he felt love. He doesn’t say for her, though, although perhaps that can be implied. Here’s a nice touch, they bring Chris and Bri from “Listen to Your Heart” on to sing to Clare and Dale. That made me giggle. Clare and Dale go to bed together, and cut the cameras.

Their conversation is like listening to two twelve-year-olds. Clare: I wanted to tell you I loved you immediately. Dale: No, I wanted to tell YOU I loved you. Clare: No, me first. Dale: No, me….Someone fetch my hurl bucket quickly.

Clare asks him if he wants to go back to the house. HA HA HA! That would be funny if she slept with him and then told him she really didn’t know if this was what she wanted. Now that would be some good TV. Cut to the guys who continue to whine and cry about not getting any time with Clare and appear to have spent the evening on the couch talking about her. The boys are even defending Clare’s honor and saying that she wouldn’t sleep with Dale this early in the game. WRONG-O!

Am I the only one who HATES Clare’s whispery “yeahs” that she constantly says? It drives me nuts. Like everything’s so deep and she’s living in a rom-com. And when you whisper things it makes them seem so much more romantic. Ugh.

Here comes Clare to break the news to the men. She tells them she came there to find the love of her life, and what she came here for, she thinks she found, and it’s with Dale. Then she said she’s a woman who knows what she wants, and so she took it and what she took was Dale. At that point, I think the guys are in shock and don’t want to hear Dale’s name mentioned one more time. The thing is, Clare has known she was in love at least four other times that I know of. I hope this one works out for her, but if I was a betting gal……SO the gentlemen demand an apology, but in the end, they tell her how much they respect her, and off she goes as happy as a clam. The guys then add up the time she has spent with Dale before last night, and come to the large sum of two hours. It doesn’t seem like much, does it?

Pan to Chris Harrison and Dale. Chris tells Dale that Clare “broke up” with all the other guys today. Then he basically tells Dale that Clare is expecting a proposal. Friends, he’s a 31 year old man, does he really want to jump right into a proposal with Clare, who has proven herself a little nutty as of late? Dale is eyeing a ring box and pushing out some big breaths. Duh duh duh…..

Chris H is such a butt. He just told Clare that there’s something he needs to tell her. Of course, Clare immediately comes to the logical conclusion that Dale’s not showing up. Instead, Chris says, “We’re proud of you.” Why are they treating this 39 year old woman like a toddler?

Dale does show up, and I think he’s a mime, because he basically repeats back to Clare what she said to him. And THEN…he does it, he gets down and proposes to her. NICE ring, btw. Then she starts saying “Clare Moss” which validates that’s what she was writing in her journal. Man, Covid has really messed with people. These two are scared to wait for anything in case they catch “the Cova” as my mother calls it. SO they rush into marriage with the first willing body. Don’t get me wrong, they’re both beautiful people, but perhaps this went a bit quickly.

Anyway, Clare is done, so now a limo pulls out and who steps out, but Tayshia, the new Bachelorette!

Tayshia 11/05/20

Chris walks in to tell the guys that Dale proposed to Clare and the two have left quarantine and are headed out into the real world together. He then announces that the boys’ journey is also not over, and they need to decide by tonight if they want to continue.

Blake and Jason seem to be pretty hung up on Clare, but they need to get over that, because she never felt a dang thing for them. Bennett is the wise one, because he says he was never invested in Clare, and he gets a clean slate, and he’s excited for a fresh start.  Good for you, Bennett! Blake and Jason continue to be Debbie Downers. I say they should just adios themselves and hit the road. Poor Tayshia deserves guys who want to be invested in her. Three guys are walking to the meeting room to hear their new fate, but who’s the douche with the white high tops and the suit? Is that a thing? If it is, it shouldn’t be. Oh, it’s Zac C., an addiction specialist. I have no idea who he is. Blake does show up, and now everyone’s waiting to see if Jason appears. Of course, there was a huge buildup about Jason and how in love he was with Clare, but then Jason walks in the door. He looks as if he’s been crying. Someone revoke his man card.

Chris Harrison walks in and tells them how great they all look. Eazy nods and says, “You said your best. You said your best.” Eazy took that to heart and is looking good in a maroon plaid suit. Chris announces that there will be a new Bachelorette, and literally, two of the guys grab hold of each other and squeeze each other’s knees. Weird.

Here comes the limo, Tayshia gets out and greets Chris. She really is pretty. I’m hoping she’s a good Bachelorette. He sends her down a LONG path to see the guys, and she opens the door, and TO BE CONTINUED….darn you Bach producers…. Murrell out.

Bachelorette Clare 10/27/20

Whoa, Yosef is a HORRIBLE man. What a complete loser. He quickly got on his high horse and then it just escalated into chauvinistic pig territory at light speed. He told Clare that he wanted nothing to do with her after the naked dodgeball date and the rest of the guys were just humoring her. Then he starts mouthing off about her being the oldest Bachelorette, and she should know better. I don’t know what his problem is. First off, my guess is that Clare did NOT plan that date, the producers did. She just had the good sense to enjoy it. My second guess is that he knew he wouldn’t make it past the second rose ceremony, so he wanted to go out with a bang. Well, he went out looking like the biggest tool that ever lived. But what is the silver lining in this cloud? Well, sweet Dale walks over and comforts her and makes her boo-boos go away. He is super hot folks. So, there’s no cocktail party while Clare goes and dries her tears.

Rose Ceremony: Three guys go home, but to be honest, I have no clue who they are.

Dale says he’s already protective of Clare, and if the previews have anything to say about it, the two are getting hot and heavy in the boudoir.

Clare gets some advice from ex-Bachelorette Deanna. I have no idea who she is. Clare talks to her about Dale. Friends, I believe the producers are making it clear that Dale is the one, and soon, we will be moving from Bachelorette Clare to Bachelorette Tayshia. Umm, what’s this? Clare has a pair of Dale’s pants and both the girls are sniffing them. I’m not saying they’re wrong, I’m just saying I would have done it off-camera.

So Clare comes in late for her group date so that, instead, they can have a long quality conversation. You know, it’s always been my experience that men want conversations. Quality conversations. If they can have that, they go home satisfied. Quality conversation is probably better than third base for most guys.

We’re about to see the Dale hatred start from the guys. Dale just took Clare off first in their group date. She’s asking him “Why are you so perfect?” And then they start making out and you hear nothing else except face-sucking. The other guys are starting to get pissed because Dale has been gone for an HOUR. The two are about to do it, when Eazy knocks at the door and stops them in the middle of their love-making.

Friends, I’m going to say what we’re all wanting to say. I thought things could NOT be worse after Peter, but I believe Clare is the WORST bachelor/ bachelorette in history. I really held out good hopes for her, but they have been dashed.

I mean Dale spent an hour with her, and some poor guy’s trying to get his 30 seconds with her, and when she sees Dale, she asks him to come over, and they start making out and the rest of the guys are Mucho maddo. Then Clare does the unthinkable and gives Dale the Rose and the gents get even madder, because they feel they haven’t had a chance.

After Clare leaves, the guys attack Dale. Jason, the ex-pro football player, looks like maybe he’s suffered one too many concussions or is experiencing some roid rage and is ready to punch Dale in the face.

Zach J and Clare go on their one on one date and Zach thinks they’re having a good time, but Clare says his nervous laughter is stressing her out. Poor Zach, she keeps telling the camera that she wishes Dale were there.

Most Awkward Moment in Bachelorette History: Clare leans in to kiss Zach J, and she SAYS he pulled away. False. I have rewound the shot like ten times. He then grabs her and asks what happened, and tells her he wanted to kiss her. She’s all weirded out, and says off-camera that she wants nothing to do with him. The woman’s a freak, friends! She sends Chris Harrison to tell poor Zach that he’s going home! What in the world? This show is a train wreck.

Next group date: So the guys are going to learn to roast each other. Here’s the catch though, The group date guys are irritated because the rest of the guys from the house are going to be in the audience, which means that Dale’s going to be in the audience, which means now they are all going to roast him.

All the guys are picking on Dale, and Clare is getting more and more mad. Bennett, the Harvard boy, is really nailing poor Dale, and Clare’s about ready to cry because her precious was attacked. Now she’s about ready to cry. Friends, I was super excited to have Clare as Bachelorette. I was wrong. She’s terrible.

Oh wow, Clare is going to start the group date cocktail party by talking to Bennett. She’s obviously angry, and Bennett isn’t picking up on it. To Beno’s credit, he tries to turn the conversation away from Dale, but Clare was having none of it. He explicitly said he no longer wanted to talk about Dale, but Clare ignores him and asked another question about Dale. She asks ALL the guys questions about Dale, and then ends up telling the guys she didn’t get what she needed from them tonight and no one would be getting the rose. What is wrong with her? She ends up giving herself the rose and telling herself how proud she is of her for being strong. What the…?

Meanwhile, The guys are getting ready for an uprising, wondering why they’re even there if Clare has already found her man. Suddenly, we flash to the previews, and the best part is when Tayshia steps out of the pool. Thank goodness, Tayshia to the rescue! I can only hope that Clare’s journey ends within the first fifteen minutes next week, and Tayshia steps up to the plate. Murrell out.

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