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ChampagneGate

Friends,

As I sit back with a glass of Cook’s champagne, only the best for me, (You can get like a gallon of it at Sam’s Club for $10); I continue to giggle at the wonders of ChampagneGate. I would like to remind everyone that Kelsey is a pageant girl; of course, so was Honey Boo-boo….but I digress. Focusing back on Kelsey, the moment when that champagne came barreling out of the bottle all over her face was a classic Bach moment the likes of which I will never forget. Did the producers shake the bottle before they gave it to Peter? Seriously, why did it come erupting out with such force? If I were Hannah Ann, I would have been laughing my happy ass off in the corner and snickering every time Kelsey walked by me. That poor girl will be in memes from now through eternity. But who am I kidding? I want more TV like that.

Moving on to RunwayGate. No one is talking about this because ChampagneGate overshadows everything, but did anyone else see Hannah Ann slapping Victoria EFF with her dress at the end of the runway? Believe me, I am not an EFF fan, but I thought Hannah Ann was overly aggressive. Hannah Ann comes off as being three-hanky, lovey dovey, and saccharinely sweet, but I see her as a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I just see EFF as a wolf. She’s not nice, people. Everything I read about her calls her a husband/boyfriend stealer. What’s up with that? Go find your own man, EFF. Of course, this could all be salacious gossip, so I’ll just shutty.

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Bobs’ Fall FabFitFun Box and Extras!!

Bobs bought a bunch of extras to go along with her FabFitFun box! Great deals and a lot of fun items!

Listen to Your Heart Finale!!

We are stocked up with Seagram’s Tropical Rose’, queso, and brownies ready to enjoy an evening of laughter and fun! I am joined by my fellow Bachelor fans, Nic and Jen. First, might I say, if you have never tried Seagram’s Tropical Rose’, you must go out and purchase this delicious beverage. Also, we will be playing the fun game, Drink Every Time Jamie Touches Trevor’s Face. It will be a wild night.

Chris announces that today is Fantasy Suite day and the contestants need to have some serious conversations about their relationships. Everyone is paired off and given their songs….What’s this? Now we have Matt confronting Rudi, telling her he doesn’t feel he can get to where the others are in their relationship. Poor, sweet Rudi. Why, Matt, why? Goodness, the Captain and Tenille sang together, and they weren’t in love, right? Why is he so focused on the love part??

I’m so mad at Matt. I mean, honestly, it’s a performance, go out and “perform.” Don’t worry about the love aspect, you two are the best singers on the show!! As sweet Nic says, “If they leave, we’ve got slim pickin’s left.” So true!! Jen also has a super good point, if the two have such a great connection with singing, why aren’t they just going for it?? I concur!

Matt and Rudi head to Jamie and Trevor to let them know they are taking off. Enter Bri and Chris and Chris’s ever-present scarf. He must use it to wipe the copious amounts of sweat from his face and body. Bri says, “I know you’re doing exactly what you need to do, and that makes me happier than anything.” Uh, yeah it makes you happy, because now you’re that much closer to winning, but let’s not mention that. Rudi and Matt walk to the limo….can I just say that I want to squeeze Rudi’s hiney which is looking mighty fine in those snakeskin palazzo pants. I just hate that they are leaving.

Trevor and Jamie head to their fantasy suite. Jamie starts talking nonstop and tells us for the ten millionth time how every person she’s ever dated has cheated on her. Trevor stops listening about 10 seconds in, but has the foresight to know that when she pauses he needs to say things like “you mean a lot to me,” and “I couldn’t do this without you.” Of course, that’s pretty much what he says any time Jamie takes a breath, and it seems to please her. They head on up to the boudoir, and Nicole makes the comment, “Shouldn’t they be practicing their songs instead of fornicating?” Touche’. Indeed they should.

Chris and Bri decide NOT to go to the Fantasy Suite. Questions abound here, like “Why don’t you just go to the Fantasy Suite and eat some strawberries together?” or “You could just go to the Fantasy Suite and practice your music together.” (Guess who said that one.)

Chris and Bri and Chris’s scarf head to the studio together, while Trevor and Jamie dine on French toast, pancakes, doughnuts, and all manners of forbidden carbs in their suite of sin. There’s a little guy in the studio directing Chris and Bri, who can’t seem to get the love flowing. Bri says it’s hard to get it together because of last night. Huh? They both seemed perfectly happy with their decision to forgo the sexual intercourse suite. Don’t second guess yourself, Bri. Okay, between the three of us, we’ve figured out that the editors are cutting this so it looks like Chris and Bri are NOT going to make it, since they did NOT make it aka sleep together, but Trevor and Jamie who DID the nasty are going to make beautiful music together. We are onto the clever editing in this show.

The performances are ready to start and as Chris Harrison is announcing, the camera pans to the contestants to find Jamie and Trevor in heavy make-out mode. Jamie pulls her lips away from Trevor and has an angry look on her face that her love-making had to stop. Jen makes the comment that she is worried about Trevor, as she believes Jamie is a “stage five clinger.” Thank you, Vince Vaughan and Wedding Crashers. Jamie and Trevor go out to sing their two songs, and Jamie touches Trevor’s face no less than 10 times. Drinkety, drink, drink, drink….Honestly, their singing is not that great. You can barely hear poor Trev, and Jamie just keeps grabbing his face and making out with him. I fully expect them to lie down and do the horizontal mambo in front of all of us. Taye Diggs makes the comment that the two need to be more independent of each other. Translation: Jamie, get your hands off freaking Trevor and go sing on the other side of the stage.

Chris and Bri now take command of the stage and completely nail it and are not hanging all over each other which is an added bonus. I laugh at the women in the audience giving their slow clap along with the song, just happy to be out of the house away from their kids, and in the presence of Bachelor royalty. I wish I was with them. After Chris and Bri’s song, Rita Wilson comments, “I feel babies are happening soon!” That took a turn I wasn’t expecting. Trevor and Jamie are no longer making out as they know their chances of winning are slim to none.

Random comments happening here: I wonder how Chris Harrison sleeps at night after all the lives he’s changed….the day Chris Harrison stops changing lives, is the day the world ends….Drink every time Chris Harrison says ‘sold-out crowd’….Jamie, your bra is working overtime tonight…why aren’t they practicing more?…

Winning couple: Bri and Chris and Chris’s scarf….It only makes sense… All right, this has been fun. Murrell out.

Four Couples Left on Bachelor: LTYH!!

I have plenty of alcohol and ice cream, so I am ready to go. I also have a large barf bag right next to me, because this show tends to produce nausea.

Chris H comes in and announces that their lives are about to change…they need to pack their bags, because they’re headed to…..VEGAS!! Friends, Vegas is literally about 3 hours down the road. They are reacting as if they’re headed to Moulin Rouge in Paris. They really need to get out more.

The couples each get their own tour buses which is kind of cool. Rudi has some serious mouth diarrhea and Matt is a little worried that Rudi might spin out of control in Vegas, and folks, I can totally see that.

Bri and Chris are more in love than ever, but honestly, I just want him to break out some chocolate and pizza and feed her. The girl needs a meal.

Next, we’re with Trevor and Jamie. Trevor just wants to let Jamie know how he feels about her, and he wants to do it with song. Of course he does, folks. Trevor wants to convince us that he has put aside his playboy ways and he’s all in for Jamie. False. He’s all in for Trevor AND WINNING THIS SHOW, and Jamie is his meal ticket to do that. Trevor and Jamie stop for refreshments and Trevor LITERALLY pulls a GIANT cloth rose out of his bum and presents it to Jamie. She accepts.

Matt and Rudi make a stop at the bottle tree ranch, which is a bunch of dead, old trees with colorful bottles hanging from them. Kind of cool.

Everyone starts to arrive in Vegas. Jamie is still carrying her rose around, which is somewhat bothersome. Let’s be real, in this time of COVID-19 (drink because I said that term), I’m about nothing if not about sterilizing. I definitely think a cloth rose that’s been stuffed down the back of someone’s pants is worthy of a spritz of Lysol.

Rudi and Matt still haven’t shown up in Vegas and everyone is very concerned about them. Cut to a tiny motel in Nipton, CA (?) where Rudi and Matt are celebrating their love in a tiny desert motel.

Chris and Bri are invited to a wedding chapel in Vegas, When they get there, a strange Carol Kane-ish (think Scrooged, Princess Bride, etc)-type woman comes out and asks them to sing at a very special couple’s wedding. I’m thinking some celebs are going to walk out, but no, another mixed-race couple walks out. Not that they aren’t special in their own right, but I found it sort of weird that they were labeled as special. Love who you love, people, I don’t think your race makes any difference as to the depth of your feelings.

Here’s something sad…Rudi is getting relationship advice from 21 year old Jamie. If you recall, Jamie has never dated someone who didn’t cheat on her, and she’s dated like, at least, a hundred guys. That’s a pretty bad average there. I mean, if we had a pandemic come through with those odds, that would be something I might pay attention to. Jamie’s encouraging Rudi to tell Matt she loves him. DON’T DO IT, RUDI!! Get out of your head, and just go with the beautiful flow that is sweet Matt. Ugh, she’s not listening to me.

Trevor and Jamie are at the Las Vegas T-Mobile Arena and Jamie is having her dream date going ice skating with Trev. Trev has grown up playing ice hockey his whole life, so he definitely lucked out here. Jamie’s braver than I would be on skates. I would literally be crawling along the wall and holding on. Like I used to in sixth grade when the class would go roller skating. And then there was the time that Sammy Schaeffer asked me to skate, and I said yes, and decided I would just go balls to the wall and skate my heart out, but instead, I ended up flying off into the middle of the rink on my butt and got up and searched for my friend, The Wall, found him, crawled to the benches, and took my skates off and stormed home. I don’t like skating.

Okay, my roller skating story took a left turn. Meanwhile, Trevor and Jamie tell each other that they are starting to fall in love with each other. Big whoop. I’m STARTING to fall in love with Salt and Vinegar chips, but once Honey Barbecue rear their beautiful heads, I’m switching back to them. You know?

Matt and Rudi go see Shaggy. Honestly folks, I have no idea. I had to look him up. He’s a Jamaican reggae singer. According to Wikipedia, he scored hits with the songs “It Wasn’t Me”, “Boombastic”, “In The Summertime”, “Oh Carolina”, and “Angel.” So that’s Shaggy. They have a great date, and Rudi decides to RUIN it by telling Matt that she’s falling for him. WHOA, the temperature in the room dropped like 40 degrees. Matt responds in the absolute coldest way. He says, “You’re very courageous for speaking your truth, and I appreciate you doing that. So….” and that’s it!! Can you imagine being told that on national television???? He just slept with her the night before, and then he tells her she’s brave for speaking her truth today. YOU SHOULD HAVE LEFT IT ALONE, RUDI!! Matt actually seems decent (although he should NOT have slept with her), but he’s trying not to get swept up by the moment and say something he may regret. I get it, but I still feel sorry for Rudi.

Ryan and Natascha look like they are getting ready to do some construction work. Fun date.

The songs are being passed out, so we’re going through the practice sessions. Rudi lays moping in the corner, all depressed because she decided to open her big mouth when she shouldn’t have. Rudi needs to stop, because I really think she has one of the best voices on the show, and she needs to get it together for that, if nothing else.

The judges tonight are: Arie and Lauren Luyendyk, Patrick Monahan from Train….folks, I want to stop here. I’m sure Patrick is a lovely man, but right now, I want you to picture Jason Bateman with his hair all spiked out and crazy, and that is Patrick Monahan…..and now, we return to our regularly scheduled program….The last judges are Ashley Simpson-Ross and her husband, Evan Ross. The couples are not only judged by their singing, but also on their love connection, hence the presence of Arie and Lauren. Friends, let’s be real though, would Arie be an expert in recognizing a love connection? If we’re being honest, he’s had some struggles in that department.

Chris and Bri sing Elvis’ “Can’t Help Falling in Love with You.” Arie felt like Bri had hearts coming out of her eyes. He ain’t wrong there, she’s totally into Chris.

For once, Jamie isn’t crying and scared. She’s wallowing in the love that she believes she and Trevor have. Poor thing. She’s always touching Trev’s face. He’s going to have to put the kibosh on that with The Covid (drink). They sing Lady Antebellum’s “Just a Kiss.” Patrick Monahan tells Jamie she’s nervous and awkward, but he loved it. Me no understandy.

Natascha and Ryan are singing Beyonce and Ed Sheeran’s “Perfect.” Here’s the thing, they decided to change it up and make it move faster. I don’t know the song at all, but it seems that they were the only two who were jazzing it up. The rest of the band seemed to be strumming along at original speed. Personally, I wouldn’t have messed with Ed Sheeran and Beyonce, but that’s just me. Of course, to prove their love, they start making out as soon as it’s over. Patrick Monahan said they were doing two separate performances. I concur. Arie thought it was a performance and they were just acting. I concur. Evan and Ashley weren’t loving it either. It was a really weird number.

Rudi and Matt sing Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper’s “Shallow.” These two are my faves. Sweet Rudi has come a LONG way, friends. In the beginning, she was known as Boner Garage, only because she had claimed to date every guy in LA, which is quite an accomplishment. Now, she just seems like a hooker with a heart of gold, who’s looking for love in all the right places. I dig her, and she will be happy to know, I have just followed her on Instagram.

Rose Ceremony: About 100% positive that Ryan and Natascha are going home, but let’s see….

1st rose: Jamie and Trevor; 2nd rose: Rudi and Matt; Final rose: Chris and Bri…..which means, as usual, I WAS RIGHT!! Ryan and Natascha are hitting the road. That will teach them not to mess with Queen B and Eddy She, right?

Natascha is being unreasonably hard on herself. Ryan wants to continue his relationship with Natascha, so who knows? Maybe a love connection after all.

Chris tells the remaining couples that they are heading to Music City aka Nashville, USA. They all jump and scream as if they’ve won an all expenses paid trip around the world. Honestly, these people really need to take some road trips. Murrell out.

Listen to Your Heart, Episode 4!

I’m a little late on this…I’ll just keep it short…

Chris comes in to talk to the contestants…might I add that none of them look like they have bathed… Chris throws a wrench in the works by sending people out on dates with different people in the house…of course, we’ve matched up Julia with Brandon, and although Julia is pretending she doesn’t want to go with Brandon, we all know she’s chomping at the bit to get down Brandon’s pants

Julia comes down in a white mini-skirt so that Brandon will have easy access to her hoo-hah. Off they go…

Meanwhile Rudy is bent out of shape because she has to go out on a date with Chris and that means Matt is left in the snares of evil Natascha. Rudy and Chris decide they are good friends and enjoy each other on their date, but in a platonic way

Same with Jamie and Ryan, just interested in being friends. It’s too bad, because I think Ryan and Jamie would make a much better couple than who either one is with now.

Brandon and Julia go on a songwriting date. Of course, sweet Sheridan is at the mansion, alone, writing a song for Julia, because HIS feelings are sincere.

Julia and Brandon sing and Julia says she realizes she’s falling for Brandon. That’s because you’re a giant Ho, Julia. By the way, drink every time you hear the word “clarity.” Friends, I’m still looking for clarity in my relationship with Marine Mike, and we’ve been married for 27 years. Clarity is an elusive concept.

Julia gets back to the mansion and asks if she can talk to Sheridan and everyone knows this won’t end well. Sheridan remains stoic, while Julia pretends she’s all crushed. Suddenly, Julia turns on Sheridan and asks him, “Why are you being so mean?” WHAT??? Sheridan is NOT being mean. Julia is pretending to cry, but there is not one tear coming out of her eyes. She’s completely fake. Someone needs to kick her to the curb. Sweet Sheridan holds his own and doesn’t let her walk all over him, so good for him. He can now go back to his Subaru and continue their true love relationship.

Julia tries to get sympathy from the other girls. Brandon and Savannah go off to talk, and following in Julia’s footsteps, Brandon tries to make Savannah feel bad because he’s a complete tool. Savannah leaves the mansion and Julia and Brandon run to each other. Those two will last about 5 minutes. They’re gross.

Chris H walks in and announces that performances will be tomorrow night. Whoa, so the songs are passed out and Brandon is struggling. Natascha asks him about his conversation with Savannah. Julia walks in and Natascha asks her to cover her ears. She then asks Brandon “If Savannah had said to you, I’m all in, would you have stayed with her?” And Brandon nods his head, “YES!!” Meaning he would have stayed with Savannah! And he does this while Julia’s is ting right there!!! He has tool bag douche written all over him.

Of course, Natascha runs and tells Julia what Brandon said. Of course, Brandon blows it off, basically saying, “I’m here with you now, so let’s just do this.” Of course, Julia is not happy, but Julia, you did this to yourself. You are the douche queen.

So, everyone has performed and Julia is pissed at Natascha , because she feels she sabotaged Julia’s performance. She might be right, but I think Julia is evil, so I want to see her go home.

Rose ceremony: Chris and Bri are the first to get roses. Followed by Matt and Rudy, Natascha and Ryan, and Jamie and Trevor. Hooray!! All is right with the world, Julia and Brandon do NOT get a rose. I am a little sick of crybaby Jamie, too, though.

Oh wow, now Julia is blaming Brandon for her failure. She obviously takes no responsibility for herself. She’s crying that she wants Sheridan back. I am hoping Sheridan’s safely strapped into his Subaru and no longer thinking of the Evil one.

Friends, that’s about it. Murrell out.

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