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ChampagneGate

Friends,

As I sit back with a glass of Cook’s champagne, only the best for me, (You can get like a gallon of it at Sam’s Club for $10); I continue to giggle at the wonders of ChampagneGate. I would like to remind everyone that Kelsey is a pageant girl; of course, so was Honey Boo-boo….but I digress. Focusing back on Kelsey, the moment when that champagne came barreling out of the bottle all over her face was a classic Bach moment the likes of which I will never forget. Did the producers shake the bottle before they gave it to Peter? Seriously, why did it come erupting out with such force? If I were Hannah Ann, I would have been laughing my happy ass off in the corner and snickering every time Kelsey walked by me. That poor girl will be in memes from now through eternity. But who am I kidding? I want more TV like that.

Moving on to RunwayGate. No one is talking about this because ChampagneGate overshadows everything, but did anyone else see Hannah Ann slapping Victoria EFF with her dress at the end of the runway? Believe me, I am not an EFF fan, but I thought Hannah Ann was overly aggressive. Hannah Ann comes off as being three-hanky, lovey dovey, and saccharinely sweet, but I see her as a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I just see EFF as a wolf. She’s not nice, people. Everything I read about her calls her a husband/boyfriend stealer. What’s up with that? Go find your own man, EFF. Of course, this could all be salacious gossip, so I’ll just shutty.

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Listen to Your Heart Finale!!

We are stocked up with Seagram’s Tropical Rose’, queso, and brownies ready to enjoy an evening of laughter and fun! I am joined by my fellow Bachelor fans, Nic and Jen. First, might I say, if you have never tried Seagram’s Tropical Rose’, you must go out and purchase this delicious beverage. Also, we will be playing the fun game, Drink Every Time Jamie Touches Trevor’s Face. It will be a wild night.

Chris announces that today is Fantasy Suite day and the contestants need to have some serious conversations about their relationships. Everyone is paired off and given their songs….What’s this? Now we have Matt confronting Rudi, telling her he doesn’t feel he can get to where the others are in their relationship. Poor, sweet Rudi. Why, Matt, why? Goodness, the Captain and Tenille sang together, and they weren’t in love, right? Why is he so focused on the love part??

I’m so mad at Matt. I mean, honestly, it’s a performance, go out and “perform.” Don’t worry about the love aspect, you two are the best singers on the show!! As sweet Nic says, “If they leave, we’ve got slim pickin’s left.” So true!! Jen also has a super good point, if the two have such a great connection with singing, why aren’t they just going for it?? I concur!

Matt and Rudi head to Jamie and Trevor to let them know they are taking off. Enter Bri and Chris and Chris’s ever-present scarf. He must use it to wipe the copious amounts of sweat from his face and body. Bri says, “I know you’re doing exactly what you need to do, and that makes me happier than anything.” Uh, yeah it makes you happy, because now you’re that much closer to winning, but let’s not mention that. Rudi and Matt walk to the limo….can I just say that I want to squeeze Rudi’s hiney which is looking mighty fine in those snakeskin palazzo pants. I just hate that they are leaving.

Trevor and Jamie head to their fantasy suite. Jamie starts talking nonstop and tells us for the ten millionth time how every person she’s ever dated has cheated on her. Trevor stops listening about 10 seconds in, but has the foresight to know that when she pauses he needs to say things like “you mean a lot to me,” and “I couldn’t do this without you.” Of course, that’s pretty much what he says any time Jamie takes a breath, and it seems to please her. They head on up to the boudoir, and Nicole makes the comment, “Shouldn’t they be practicing their songs instead of fornicating?” Touche’. Indeed they should.

Chris and Bri decide NOT to go to the Fantasy Suite. Questions abound here, like “Why don’t you just go to the Fantasy Suite and eat some strawberries together?” or “You could just go to the Fantasy Suite and practice your music together.” (Guess who said that one.)

Chris and Bri and Chris’s scarf head to the studio together, while Trevor and Jamie dine on French toast, pancakes, doughnuts, and all manners of forbidden carbs in their suite of sin. There’s a little guy in the studio directing Chris and Bri, who can’t seem to get the love flowing. Bri says it’s hard to get it together because of last night. Huh? They both seemed perfectly happy with their decision to forgo the sexual intercourse suite. Don’t second guess yourself, Bri. Okay, between the three of us, we’ve figured out that the editors are cutting this so it looks like Chris and Bri are NOT going to make it, since they did NOT make it aka sleep together, but Trevor and Jamie who DID the nasty are going to make beautiful music together. We are onto the clever editing in this show.

The performances are ready to start and as Chris Harrison is announcing, the camera pans to the contestants to find Jamie and Trevor in heavy make-out mode. Jamie pulls her lips away from Trevor and has an angry look on her face that her love-making had to stop. Jen makes the comment that she is worried about Trevor, as she believes Jamie is a “stage five clinger.” Thank you, Vince Vaughan and Wedding Crashers. Jamie and Trevor go out to sing their two songs, and Jamie touches Trevor’s face no less than 10 times. Drinkety, drink, drink, drink….Honestly, their singing is not that great. You can barely hear poor Trev, and Jamie just keeps grabbing his face and making out with him. I fully expect them to lie down and do the horizontal mambo in front of all of us. Taye Diggs makes the comment that the two need to be more independent of each other. Translation: Jamie, get your hands off freaking Trevor and go sing on the other side of the stage.

Chris and Bri now take command of the stage and completely nail it and are not hanging all over each other which is an added bonus. I laugh at the women in the audience giving their slow clap along with the song, just happy to be out of the house away from their kids, and in the presence of Bachelor royalty. I wish I was with them. After Chris and Bri’s song, Rita Wilson comments, “I feel babies are happening soon!” That took a turn I wasn’t expecting. Trevor and Jamie are no longer making out as they know their chances of winning are slim to none.

Random comments happening here: I wonder how Chris Harrison sleeps at night after all the lives he’s changed….the day Chris Harrison stops changing lives, is the day the world ends….Drink every time Chris Harrison says ‘sold-out crowd’….Jamie, your bra is working overtime tonight…why aren’t they practicing more?…

Winning couple: Bri and Chris and Chris’s scarf….It only makes sense… All right, this has been fun. Murrell out.

Four Couples Left on Bachelor: LTYH!!

I have plenty of alcohol and ice cream, so I am ready to go. I also have a large barf bag right next to me, because this show tends to produce nausea.

Chris H comes in and announces that their lives are about to change…they need to pack their bags, because they’re headed to…..VEGAS!! Friends, Vegas is literally about 3 hours down the road. They are reacting as if they’re headed to Moulin Rouge in Paris. They really need to get out more.

The couples each get their own tour buses which is kind of cool. Rudi has some serious mouth diarrhea and Matt is a little worried that Rudi might spin out of control in Vegas, and folks, I can totally see that.

Bri and Chris are more in love than ever, but honestly, I just want him to break out some chocolate and pizza and feed her. The girl needs a meal.

Next, we’re with Trevor and Jamie. Trevor just wants to let Jamie know how he feels about her, and he wants to do it with song. Of course he does, folks. Trevor wants to convince us that he has put aside his playboy ways and he’s all in for Jamie. False. He’s all in for Trevor AND WINNING THIS SHOW, and Jamie is his meal ticket to do that. Trevor and Jamie stop for refreshments and Trevor LITERALLY pulls a GIANT cloth rose out of his bum and presents it to Jamie. She accepts.

Matt and Rudi make a stop at the bottle tree ranch, which is a bunch of dead, old trees with colorful bottles hanging from them. Kind of cool.

Everyone starts to arrive in Vegas. Jamie is still carrying her rose around, which is somewhat bothersome. Let’s be real, in this time of COVID-19 (drink because I said that term), I’m about nothing if not about sterilizing. I definitely think a cloth rose that’s been stuffed down the back of someone’s pants is worthy of a spritz of Lysol.

Rudi and Matt still haven’t shown up in Vegas and everyone is very concerned about them. Cut to a tiny motel in Nipton, CA (?) where Rudi and Matt are celebrating their love in a tiny desert motel.

Chris and Bri are invited to a wedding chapel in Vegas, When they get there, a strange Carol Kane-ish (think Scrooged, Princess Bride, etc)-type woman comes out and asks them to sing at a very special couple’s wedding. I’m thinking some celebs are going to walk out, but no, another mixed-race couple walks out. Not that they aren’t special in their own right, but I found it sort of weird that they were labeled as special. Love who you love, people, I don’t think your race makes any difference as to the depth of your feelings.

Here’s something sad…Rudi is getting relationship advice from 21 year old Jamie. If you recall, Jamie has never dated someone who didn’t cheat on her, and she’s dated like, at least, a hundred guys. That’s a pretty bad average there. I mean, if we had a pandemic come through with those odds, that would be something I might pay attention to. Jamie’s encouraging Rudi to tell Matt she loves him. DON’T DO IT, RUDI!! Get out of your head, and just go with the beautiful flow that is sweet Matt. Ugh, she’s not listening to me.

Trevor and Jamie are at the Las Vegas T-Mobile Arena and Jamie is having her dream date going ice skating with Trev. Trev has grown up playing ice hockey his whole life, so he definitely lucked out here. Jamie’s braver than I would be on skates. I would literally be crawling along the wall and holding on. Like I used to in sixth grade when the class would go roller skating. And then there was the time that Sammy Schaeffer asked me to skate, and I said yes, and decided I would just go balls to the wall and skate my heart out, but instead, I ended up flying off into the middle of the rink on my butt and got up and searched for my friend, The Wall, found him, crawled to the benches, and took my skates off and stormed home. I don’t like skating.

Okay, my roller skating story took a left turn. Meanwhile, Trevor and Jamie tell each other that they are starting to fall in love with each other. Big whoop. I’m STARTING to fall in love with Salt and Vinegar chips, but once Honey Barbecue rear their beautiful heads, I’m switching back to them. You know?

Matt and Rudi go see Shaggy. Honestly folks, I have no idea. I had to look him up. He’s a Jamaican reggae singer. According to Wikipedia, he scored hits with the songs “It Wasn’t Me”, “Boombastic”, “In The Summertime”, “Oh Carolina”, and “Angel.” So that’s Shaggy. They have a great date, and Rudi decides to RUIN it by telling Matt that she’s falling for him. WHOA, the temperature in the room dropped like 40 degrees. Matt responds in the absolute coldest way. He says, “You’re very courageous for speaking your truth, and I appreciate you doing that. So….” and that’s it!! Can you imagine being told that on national television???? He just slept with her the night before, and then he tells her she’s brave for speaking her truth today. YOU SHOULD HAVE LEFT IT ALONE, RUDI!! Matt actually seems decent (although he should NOT have slept with her), but he’s trying not to get swept up by the moment and say something he may regret. I get it, but I still feel sorry for Rudi.

Ryan and Natascha look like they are getting ready to do some construction work. Fun date.

The songs are being passed out, so we’re going through the practice sessions. Rudi lays moping in the corner, all depressed because she decided to open her big mouth when she shouldn’t have. Rudi needs to stop, because I really think she has one of the best voices on the show, and she needs to get it together for that, if nothing else.

The judges tonight are: Arie and Lauren Luyendyk, Patrick Monahan from Train….folks, I want to stop here. I’m sure Patrick is a lovely man, but right now, I want you to picture Jason Bateman with his hair all spiked out and crazy, and that is Patrick Monahan…..and now, we return to our regularly scheduled program….The last judges are Ashley Simpson-Ross and her husband, Evan Ross. The couples are not only judged by their singing, but also on their love connection, hence the presence of Arie and Lauren. Friends, let’s be real though, would Arie be an expert in recognizing a love connection? If we’re being honest, he’s had some struggles in that department.

Chris and Bri sing Elvis’ “Can’t Help Falling in Love with You.” Arie felt like Bri had hearts coming out of her eyes. He ain’t wrong there, she’s totally into Chris.

For once, Jamie isn’t crying and scared. She’s wallowing in the love that she believes she and Trevor have. Poor thing. She’s always touching Trev’s face. He’s going to have to put the kibosh on that with The Covid (drink). They sing Lady Antebellum’s “Just a Kiss.” Patrick Monahan tells Jamie she’s nervous and awkward, but he loved it. Me no understandy.

Natascha and Ryan are singing Beyonce and Ed Sheeran’s “Perfect.” Here’s the thing, they decided to change it up and make it move faster. I don’t know the song at all, but it seems that they were the only two who were jazzing it up. The rest of the band seemed to be strumming along at original speed. Personally, I wouldn’t have messed with Ed Sheeran and Beyonce, but that’s just me. Of course, to prove their love, they start making out as soon as it’s over. Patrick Monahan said they were doing two separate performances. I concur. Arie thought it was a performance and they were just acting. I concur. Evan and Ashley weren’t loving it either. It was a really weird number.

Rudi and Matt sing Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper’s “Shallow.” These two are my faves. Sweet Rudi has come a LONG way, friends. In the beginning, she was known as Boner Garage, only because she had claimed to date every guy in LA, which is quite an accomplishment. Now, she just seems like a hooker with a heart of gold, who’s looking for love in all the right places. I dig her, and she will be happy to know, I have just followed her on Instagram.

Rose Ceremony: About 100% positive that Ryan and Natascha are going home, but let’s see….

1st rose: Jamie and Trevor; 2nd rose: Rudi and Matt; Final rose: Chris and Bri…..which means, as usual, I WAS RIGHT!! Ryan and Natascha are hitting the road. That will teach them not to mess with Queen B and Eddy She, right?

Natascha is being unreasonably hard on herself. Ryan wants to continue his relationship with Natascha, so who knows? Maybe a love connection after all.

Chris tells the remaining couples that they are heading to Music City aka Nashville, USA. They all jump and scream as if they’ve won an all expenses paid trip around the world. Honestly, these people really need to take some road trips. Murrell out.

Listen to Your Heart, Episode 4!

I’m a little late on this…I’ll just keep it short…

Chris comes in to talk to the contestants…might I add that none of them look like they have bathed… Chris throws a wrench in the works by sending people out on dates with different people in the house…of course, we’ve matched up Julia with Brandon, and although Julia is pretending she doesn’t want to go with Brandon, we all know she’s chomping at the bit to get down Brandon’s pants

Julia comes down in a white mini-skirt so that Brandon will have easy access to her hoo-hah. Off they go…

Meanwhile Rudy is bent out of shape because she has to go out on a date with Chris and that means Matt is left in the snares of evil Natascha. Rudy and Chris decide they are good friends and enjoy each other on their date, but in a platonic way

Same with Jamie and Ryan, just interested in being friends. It’s too bad, because I think Ryan and Jamie would make a much better couple than who either one is with now.

Brandon and Julia go on a songwriting date. Of course, sweet Sheridan is at the mansion, alone, writing a song for Julia, because HIS feelings are sincere.

Julia and Brandon sing and Julia says she realizes she’s falling for Brandon. That’s because you’re a giant Ho, Julia. By the way, drink every time you hear the word “clarity.” Friends, I’m still looking for clarity in my relationship with Marine Mike, and we’ve been married for 27 years. Clarity is an elusive concept.

Julia gets back to the mansion and asks if she can talk to Sheridan and everyone knows this won’t end well. Sheridan remains stoic, while Julia pretends she’s all crushed. Suddenly, Julia turns on Sheridan and asks him, “Why are you being so mean?” WHAT??? Sheridan is NOT being mean. Julia is pretending to cry, but there is not one tear coming out of her eyes. She’s completely fake. Someone needs to kick her to the curb. Sweet Sheridan holds his own and doesn’t let her walk all over him, so good for him. He can now go back to his Subaru and continue their true love relationship.

Julia tries to get sympathy from the other girls. Brandon and Savannah go off to talk, and following in Julia’s footsteps, Brandon tries to make Savannah feel bad because he’s a complete tool. Savannah leaves the mansion and Julia and Brandon run to each other. Those two will last about 5 minutes. They’re gross.

Chris H walks in and announces that performances will be tomorrow night. Whoa, so the songs are passed out and Brandon is struggling. Natascha asks him about his conversation with Savannah. Julia walks in and Natascha asks her to cover her ears. She then asks Brandon “If Savannah had said to you, I’m all in, would you have stayed with her?” And Brandon nods his head, “YES!!” Meaning he would have stayed with Savannah! And he does this while Julia’s is ting right there!!! He has tool bag douche written all over him.

Of course, Natascha runs and tells Julia what Brandon said. Of course, Brandon blows it off, basically saying, “I’m here with you now, so let’s just do this.” Of course, Julia is not happy, but Julia, you did this to yourself. You are the douche queen.

So, everyone has performed and Julia is pissed at Natascha , because she feels she sabotaged Julia’s performance. She might be right, but I think Julia is evil, so I want to see her go home.

Rose ceremony: Chris and Bri are the first to get roses. Followed by Matt and Rudy, Natascha and Ryan, and Jamie and Trevor. Hooray!! All is right with the world, Julia and Brandon do NOT get a rose. I am a little sick of crybaby Jamie, too, though.

Oh wow, now Julia is blaming Brandon for her failure. She obviously takes no responsibility for herself. She’s crying that she wants Sheridan back. I am hoping Sheridan’s safely strapped into his Subaru and no longer thinking of the Evil one.

Friends, that’s about it. Murrell out.

Jen and Bobs are back!!! We are shopping locally and supporting small businesses!!

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Jen and I love the small business community in the Joplin area. We admire their excellent customer service and unique products! Please join us as we salute WigNOut Boutique and Sophie’s!!!

Listen to Your Heart, Ep. 3

I sit here with a bottle of Pink champagne and some homemade chocolate chip oatmeal cookies ready to watch the third installment of LTYH. My life is good. Moving on to the show…The hot mess that is Julia rears its ugly head as Brandon continues to send confusing messages to her. He claims he knew she was going to get picked by Sheridan, so that’s why he picked Savannah, because he didn’t want to see Sav go home. He is very misleading and I wouldn’t trust him with a bucket of water if my knickers were on fire. Julia should kick him to the curb.

Chris H walks in and tells the gang that conversations need to be had. That’s a comment you hear a LOT lately. No one needs to tell me to have a conversation. I talk, like, nonstop. Also, if I want to communicate with someone, I do it through, you guessed it, conversation.

Julia is telling all the girls, including Savannah, that she is hot for Brandon. She’s then telling Savannah everything that Brandon has said to her, which is totally mean girl. Julia’s like 27 years old and should be past that kind of behavior. She looks much older, her meanness is starting to age her. It’s like she thinks she can talk Savannah out of being with Brandon.

Savannah walks off crying, which is where Gabe finds her and asks her to be his singing partner. Savannah declines, and Gabe leaves. Poor Gabe, we barely knew ye. I would have totally gone for Gabe over Brandon. Brandon is a tool.

The Tool goes out to talk to Savannah, and Savannah responds as if Brandon is a human being with a heart with whom she can reason. He’s not. Brandon asks her to continue on this journey with him. She doesn’t respond, so he says, “Do you want to do this with me, or do you want to go home and cry?” Savannah agrees to be with him and asks him just to be open and honest with her from now on. That’s something that will never happen. They are happy for the moment.

Chris H comes in to let them know the next phase of their journey will be to perform together. Julia is on the couch with Sheridan and looks as if she couldn’t be happier, but the “tears on her pillow bespeak the pain that is in her heart”- Barney Fife. While she and Sheridan are out practicing their song, she keeps looking over her shoulder at Brandon. I wish she would just go home already.

Now who’s this? Bekah and Danny get to go on a date. I barely knew these two were here. They go shopping at Rebecca Mink’s home. I have NO idea who that is, but apparently she’s a stylist to the stars. Is it just me, or is Danny appearing to be the Ricky Martin of “Listen to your Heart?” Danny tries to come on to Bekah in the pool, but she pulls back. Is she seeing what I’m seeing?

Julia is obsessing over Savannah. The green monster of envy has made an entrance as Julia turns her lust for Brandon into anger at Savannah for being fake. I’m not getting where she’s being fake at all. I just wish that Sheridan would tell Julia to hit the road already.  Julia tells Savannah she wants to be candid and up front and she wanted to leave because of her. Savannah asks the million dollar question,“Why is MY relationship affecting you so much?” I completely agree, Savannah. Out of one side of her mouth, Julia tells Savannah that Savannah’s being disingenuous about her feelings for Brandon, and out of the other side of her mouth, Julia is completely DISINGENUOUS about HER feelings for Brandon, saying she doesn’t have any. Lies, Julia, lies.

Ryan and Natascha apparently got a date card and are going to House of Blues. Good for them. Rudi and Matt are singing together, and Rudi sounds great, but then falls over because she wants a date with Matt to build their relationship so that they can sing better.

Back to Ryan and Natascha’s date…they come on stage to sing and Natascha keeps hogging the microphone. They act like they’re falling in love. I wonder if Ryan knows that she’s looking for her baby daddy. Her words, not mine. I feel like if Ryan knew that, he might be disturbed.

Rudi and Matt go to practice their song and Rudi falls more in love. The other couples follow with their turns. Jamie messes up the song, and now she’s all stressed, wishing she was better for Trevor. Someone hand the girl a paper bag so she can get some air, because now she’s talked herself into believing she’s a complete loser who’s not good enough for anyone. She’s crying and running away, and we get some insight into why every guy she has ever dated has cheated on her.

The musical competition is about to start. Chris H is looking sharp in a metallic-y gray suit. The judges are announced: JoJo and Jordan, which makes perfect sense (not), Jason Mraz, and Kesha. Kesha does NOT look like Kesha at all, btw. Okay, here’s how it’s going to work. I’m going to give these kids a score of 1-10, and I’ll also tell you about the judges’ comments.

Rudi and Matt: 8. Matt seemed very sweet. Jason M said they did a great job. JoJo enjoyed their performance. Kesha told them to push it to a 12 and let each other shine as bright as you can.

Bri and Chris: 8. Bri overacted a little bit with some massive arm gestures. Jordan and JoJo loved their love connection. Mraz said that he couldn’t figure out if Bri was in love with the audience or Chris. Kesha asked them how they feel about each other. Bri said she’s falling in love with Chris, so we hear no more from Kesh.

Bekah and Danny (They’ve got their new threads on): 6. They decide to sit and sing, which is kind of weird, because they’re like bouncing in their chairs. Danny goes in for a kissy from Bekah, but she pulls away from him in front of the entire audience. Jordan and JoJo can’t figure them out. Jason says their melody was all over the place and Kesha thinks they need some work.

Brandon and Savannah: 7. Not my favorite rendition of “I Want You to Want Me.” The whole time Julia is talking about how fake Savannah is. I think Julia’s a b—-. Jordan and JoJo did not feel the connection. Kesha felt that it wasn’t that big of a connection. Jason Mraz agreed. Evil Julia smiles slyly off to the side.

Julia and Sheridan: 8. If I could score Julia’s fakeness, it would be off the charts. Jordan and JoJo and Kesha all thought that Sheridan was madly in love with Julia. I think that’s probably true, but I think Julia’s the biggest faker known to man. None of them say anything about Julia’s feelings for Sheridan. Probably because there aren’t any.

Ryan and Natascha: 8. I would have given them a higher score except Natascha kept doing this weird thing with her hands. And they kept acting like they wanted to stick their tongues down each other’s throats, which was kind of annoying. Jason Mraz thought Natascha was great, but she outshone Ryan.

Jamie and Trevor: 7 Okay, the whole time, Jamie has continued her full-blown panic attack. She’s doing like frog jumps before she goes out, and she’s crying and talking herself down, and any manner of self-sabotage you can think of. Trevor was good, but Jamie was not in my opinion. Chris H asks Jamie why she’s so emotional, and Jamie feels free to tell us her whole story, which none of us wants to hear. The judges liked them.

Rose Ceremony: So, they’re handing out the roses based on the judges’ scores. Chris H is handing out the roses to the couples; that’s kind of funny. What’s weird is that after Chris calls their names, they have to ask each other if they want their rose. Bekah and Danny do not get roses. Julia is very upset that Brandon and Savannah got one. She is pure evil.

Outtakes: SO all the singers are doing vocal exercises for their voices and Trevor is completely confused. So am I, Trevor. He shows us how he gets his voice ready by taking a big sip of wine. Trev, you’re starting to grow on me. Murrell out.

The Bachelor presents, “Listen to your Heart”

We open with the Bach and Bachelorettes waking to the joy of being in the mansion for another day.

Trevor says to Brandon that he’s sure Brandon wants to “kick it” with Savannah more. Brandon says he’s grateful for her rose, but he wants to “kick it” with a lot of girls. OF course you do. You are a Marine scout sniper with a healthy lust for women. Makes perfect sense. Show the next one your bullet and continue to win hearts.

Chris Harrison walks in and lets them know more dates are coming and more women are heading in. He leaves, telling them to “Listen to their hearts.” Julie says she’s vibing with Sheridan, but she wants to vibe with some other men as well. Of course you do, don’t we all? If I had a nickel for every man I’ve vibed with…

So Jamie gets the first date, which is weird, because she was just on a date with Ryan, but she picks Trevor and they go to Venice Beach, which Trevor says is like home to him. Trev, is that because of your fondness for funnel cakes? Or do you crave the Bohemian homeless lifestyle that Venice offers?  

They now chat up how they got into music. Folks, isn’t everyone into music? Like little kids are always dancing and feeling the vibe. Have you ever seen a little kid start jiving to a beat? Best thing ever. Anyway, Jamie just said she sees a connection, but she doesn’t know about the musical connection. The connection Jamie is seeing is more of a hot tub connection. Trevor lets her know he can do the guitar and he will support her throughout their song. Trevor is such a sacrificial lamb. They’re singing “I Got a Girl Crush” and when it comes to the part that says, “I want to taste her lips,” guess what happens? Trevor does. He tastes her lips.

New girl Natascha comes in and lets us know she is 33,  and she is looking for a grown ass man and her baby daddy. You know someone is serious  about marriage when they are looking for their baby daddy and a grown ass man. I’m sure it will be a church wedding for her. Natascha is gorgeous and all the women are threatened. She lets us know she does pop music because she’s Chilean and French. Makes sense.

Natascha finds out that Trevor is on a date with Jamie. The name Trevor rings a bell with her, because of course, there are probably only one or two Trevors in Los Angeles, and she lets everyone knows that she knows Trevor’s ex and there were indiscretions and that’s why they broke up. Cue Jamie saying how much she trusts Trevor and telling him how every guy she’s ever dated has cheated on her. Cue Trev letting Jamie know that he only stayed with his ex because he didn’t want to hurt her, not mentioning a thing about cheating. 

Natasha sure does know how to run her lips. She acts like she knows/cares about our young Jamie, when, huh? Shut your lips and get to work on the song you’re going to record, ‘tascha. There’s a thought. All the girls are worrying about Jamie, and Natascha gleefully states, “I can’t wait to meet her.” She tells the girls she’s going to confront Trevor, so this should be interesting.

Natascha tells Trevor she knows him and she’d like to talk to him. Trevor tries to tell her he’ll talk to her later, but she insists on talking now. She takes him to the back and tells him that she’s Sierra’s friend and she knows he cheated on her. Natascha is accusing him of all kinds of things. He says he did not physically cheat on Sierra; he only emotionally cheated on her. Natascha says that’s worse. Well, maybe it is for Sierra, but would it make that much of a difference to Jamie? Here’s another thing, why is he continuing to talk to Natasha? He owes her nothing!  I would have just told her to contact my friend Nunya for further information. She can be found in the phone book under Nunya Beeswax. Am I right?

Meanwhile, the girls spill the T to Jamie, and she gets all upset because for the thousandth time she cries, “Every guy I’ve ever dated cheats on ME-WAAAAAH.”  This chick needs to calm down. A) he didn’t cheat on YOU. B) Let’s hear Trev out. C) it was an emotional cheat that wasn’t on YOU. D) YOU weren’t involved with him at all when this happened. E) you’ve known him for like 24 hours, so chill.

Bri gets the next date and asks Chris out. What has happened to today’s men? They are always talking about their feels. I liked it better when they hid their feels. But that’s just me. Marine Mike is very stoic. I don’t know if he even has feels.

Bri and Chris go to the Guitar Center, which must be a musician thing, because it’s doing nothing for me. Bri is literally skeletal. Also, she needs her eyebrows done. Everyone is talking about how happy Bri and Chris are which means the poop is about to go down. Bri says she doesn’t know how to communicate with her men except through song. I told Marine Mike I would start communicating to him through song, and he rudely said, “Please don’t.” That was hurtful.

Bri wants to sing something moody and raw with Chris. Now she’s telling Chris about her broken engagement and how she was out shopping for her wedding dress and she called her fiancée to tell him she found the perfect dress, and he called her back and said, “Don’t buy it.” She says that was cruel, but friends, I’m thinking it was actually kind. She didn’t have to lay out a lot of money for a dress that she wasn’t going to use. He could have waited until she bought it and her parents paid for the wedding. He was doing her a favor.  Who is this guy? I like the way he handles himself. Rip that band-aid right off.

Anyway, after she’s done, she turns to Chris and tells him she knows she just dropped a lot on him, but she thinks she’s falling in love with him. He tells her thank you, which is usually the kiss of death, but then he tells her he thinks he’s falling for her, too. Happiness ensues.

Trevor comes in to talk to Jamie about his conversation with Natascha. He admits to Jamie that there was some emotional cheating and his ex found test messages from another girl. I wonder how emotional the cheating got. Did he give a sad emoji after the words, “Man, I wish I could touch your boobies.” Or like a heart-y eyes, kissy lips emoji followed by, “I got a girl crush…” Anyway, he tells Jamie he doesn’t feel a connection with anyone else but her. She collapses into his arms, but she tells him she’s not feeling safe. Jamie, you are a baby.  There will be plenty of other men. You really need to not get so upset. Okay, so Trev tells her that he would hate for her to dump him for something that happened almost two years ago. I have to agree with Trevor there. Jamie rolls the dice and is going to take a shot with Trev.

Mel and Julia are talking about Brandon. Brandon makes Mel’s brain “crunch” and she really wants to go out on a date with him. I love when men make my brain crunch. Sheridan gets the next date card and asks Julia out on a date. Julia confesses to us all that she has cystic fibrosis which has been a deterrent in past relationships, but that’s all we hear of that. Sheridan is going all in and feels like they will either be a couple by the end of this date or not. We shall see.

Sheridan and Julia head to iHeart media and are doing the radio show, Valentine in the Morning. Never heard of it, but I’m sure it’s big in LA. I personally wish that Sheridan appeared better groomed. He probably IS groomed, but he doesn’t APPEAR like he is, you know? Poor Sheridan, Julia just admitted on the radio to kissing others on the show. Sheridan has not been with anyone else.

Rudi is talking to Matt, because she has no hope of getting a rose and is now regretting her aggressive confrontation with him. He accepts her apology and now she’s all over him.  I mean, she has dated like EVERY guy in LA, so she has experience on how to handle men. Obviously, when you have nothing to say, shoving your tongue down his throat and grabbing his crotch is a great go-to move.

Back to Julia and Sheridan who are about to perform on the radio. Julia’s singing and Sher keeps trying to hold her hand, and Julia keeps yanking it away, but that could be because she’s really emoting to her music, right? They both sing really well. Sheridan is falling more in love with her by the second and then he gets a little kissy for a reward.

Back at the mansion, two more women walk in. Rudi feels like it’s over for her. Brandon seems to be in high demand, which is so odd to me. Folks, he kind of looks like the bad guy in Grease. You know, the one that dated Cha Cha? Unattractive, except in a bad boy ‘come ravage me’ kind of way, except our friend, Brandon, doesn’t even have the bad boy vibe going for him.  Mel is crushing hard on Brandon. He lets her know that physical touch is his love language. She responds that she hopes he knows that if she shakes his hand that is her way of expressing her love. Savannah gets the date card and poor Mel is crying and runs off. Poor Mel, I think you are overestimating Brandon’s charm, sweet girl. There will be others that are better, trust me. May I direct you to the enlisted men’s club at Del Mar on Camp Pendleton? The sky’s the limit there, sweetie.

Savannah and Brandon are trying to make a connection in a jazz club. Savannah lets Brandon know that she’s never asked a guy on a date before. Also Savannah: Was it just yesterday that we were saying we were both going to talk to other people? Because now I think things have solidified for me. Brandon lies and tells Savannah that he finds himself wanting to spend more and more time with her. LIAR!!

Sheridan and Julia come back and she discovers that Brandon is out with Savannah. She’s very concerned the two will be connecting. Cue the jazz club where Savannah and Brandon are connecting via “Fever” and feeling electricity and positive vibes all at the same time.

The next morning, Julia comes to Sheridan and tells him she’s totally stressed and wants to be transparent with him. Folks, that is never a good sign. If someone is going to be transparent with you, it is not good news. She tells him she would still like to work on things with Brandon. Sweet Sheridan, you’ve just been friend-zoned. My heart breaks for you.

Sweet Chris comes into remind everyone to start your hookups because the rose ceremony is happening shortly. He leaves with the immortal and expectant words, “Listen to your Heart.” Mel immediately corners Brandon, and for a chick whose love language is NOT touch, she is all over this guy making out with him.

Now Brandon’s with Julia and she lets him know she’s torn between him and Sheridan, AND she’s looking for THE one. Here’s a little hint, Julia, I don’t think Brandon is THE one. I think he’s there for a hookup and a music contract. Brandon starts to talk about his connection with Savannah and how much he likes HER. Cue the drama, because Julia immediately throws poor Savannah under the bus, and tells Brandon how Savannah’s kind of cold, even as Brandon repeats that he’s really interested in Savannah. Julia grabs his face and shoves her tongue down to his loafers. Does anyone else smell desperation?

Speaking of desperation, fast forward to Rudi who’s doing some speed dating to see how many guys’ mouths her tongue can find a home in in under 5 minutes. It’s a cry for help as she has no idea if she will be a rose recipient.

Rose Ceremony: People, God bless Savannah, but she has the tackiest choice in dresses. She’s beautiful with a passing resemblance to Bo Derek, but she needs a stylist STAT. Poor Rudi has had WAY too much to drink, so I’m glad she’s on the bottom level of the risers for the ceremony.

Rose Breakdown:

Chris gives rose to Bri

Trevor gives rose to Jamie

Matt gives rose to Rudi, who is almost too drunk to accept

Ryan gives rose to Natascha, guaranteeing a few more weeks of drama

Danny gives rose to Bekah, (who are these two?)

Brandon gives rose to Savannah (Julia seriously thought it was going to her)

Gabe gives rose to Ruby, seriously? She’s a newbie and doesn’t seem to be his type.

Sheridan gives rose to Julia, why Sheridan? Why? She’s not interested in you, friend

Julia lets us know that Brandon just approached her and said, “Good, you’re still here, we’ll work this out.” What a loser. Julia feels like she’s back to square one. I would have felt totally liberated from any Brandon feelings at that point, because my loser radar would have put me on high alert. Until next week, Listen to Your Heart, friends. Murrell out.

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