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ChampagneGate

Friends,

As I sit back with a glass of Cook’s champagne, only the best for me, (You can get like a gallon of it at Sam’s Club for $10); I continue to giggle at the wonders of ChampagneGate. I would like to remind everyone that Kelsey is a pageant girl; of course, so was Honey Boo-boo….but I digress. Focusing back on Kelsey, the moment when that champagne came barreling out of the bottle all over her face was a classic Bach moment the likes of which I will never forget. Did the producers shake the bottle before they gave it to Peter? Seriously, why did it come erupting out with such force? If I were Hannah Ann, I would have been laughing my happy ass off in the corner and snickering every time Kelsey walked by me. That poor girl will be in memes from now through eternity. But who am I kidding? I want more TV like that.

Moving on to RunwayGate. No one is talking about this because ChampagneGate overshadows everything, but did anyone else see Hannah Ann slapping Victoria EFF with her dress at the end of the runway? Believe me, I am not an EFF fan, but I thought Hannah Ann was overly aggressive. Hannah Ann comes off as being three-hanky, lovey dovey, and saccharinely sweet, but I see her as a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I just see EFF as a wolf. She’s not nice, people. Everything I read about her calls her a husband/boyfriend stealer. What’s up with that? Go find your own man, EFF. Of course, this could all be salacious gossip, so I’ll just shutty.

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Bachelorette Clare, A Night Filled with the Language of Love!

10/20/20

Dear Friends,

Tonight, I sit here with a delicious mimosa and a pitcher of refills! It’s not just a morning drink! Let Clare and the games begin!

Clare is so excited at the “Quality” of men that showed up last night. Translation: She loves that ABC picked a bunch of hot, young hunks so that she can’t go wrong at Fantasy Suite time. Oh goodness, all the guys are standing together in a 15X20 room talking to Chris H; it’s got COVID disaster written all over it. A bunch of gorgeous guys could be wiped out in one fell swoop. That makes me sad.

Group data announced: What the what? A bunch of these studs are wearing various shades of pink. They’re totally supporting the ta-tas. I forgot that the dates have to all be within the resort. They like walk over to another set of rooms for their travel. The date is to talk about love languages. The first thing they are doing is saying words of affirmation to Clare. Peeps, how embarrassing would this have to be? Words of affirmation are NOT my love language. I already know how great I am, I don’t need no stranger telling me. However, when Dale steps up, Clare’s about ready to jump off that balcony and straddle him. She is eating this up.

The next love language is gifts. All of a sudden the guys are running to their rooms and grabbing Clare a gift. They’re giving her some very personal stuff. One of the guys gives her a baseball from the last game he played. If I were his mom, I would be having words with him.  As Clare, I would have a hard time accepting their stuff. One guy gave her an old t-shirt though. I would have taken that.

Now we’re at the language of touch. Clare is blindfolded and the men have to put on a blindfold when they walk up to her. Do the producers believe this will heighten their sense of touch? No one cares, because the men are all over her, and they all seem super horny (can I say horny?) claiming that they haven’t touched anyone since quarantine. #MeToo has been thrown out the window this season, as Clare is getting felt up more than an avocado in the produce section. Dale approaches her and they basically have outercourse; I don’t even want to know what’s going down in their nether regions.

Finally, we’re at the language of quality time. Aren’t we missing a love language somewhere? I thought there were 5. Anywho, WAIT, was that awkward or what? Clare was kind of waiting for one of the guys to ask to talk to her, and no one steps up. Finally, Bennett asks her, BUT he tells her, and THIS is funny, that they all just had such a good time being with each other, that they didn’t want anything to change. MAJOR  BURN!! So she’s sitting there talking to Bennett and getting more and more enraged that the guys didn’t all jump to take her in the back to talk to her. EGO much? So she comes storming out to the front and yells at the guys because they didn’t all jump up. Between you and me, we might be witnessing why Clare hasn’t been able to remain in a relationship. CRAZY just reared its ugly head. But her white knight, Dale, comes to her rescue and rushes her off to talk to her. Clare tells him he scares her, and he repeats, “I scare you?” and in this weird whispery voice, she says “Yeahhhhh.” SO he comforts her and they make out and all is well in Bachelorette world once again.

After Dale, Clare is opening up to some rando guy whose name I don’t even know, and he asks her how she came to be on this journey, and Clare shares that she came on the show because she was in an abusive relationship and she kept going back to this loser, so she came on the show because she didn’t want to do that anymore. Hmmm, I had no idea. So, she’s judging every guy by that standard. Clare REALLY likes to talk and hasn’t stopped. She should seriously let the guys get a word in edgewise. Riley gets the group date rose, and all the guys are confused by this. I’m a bit confused as well. He did the prom dance and all, but was that such a standout move? Me thinks not.

Yosef emerges as a villain, saying he didn’t really appreciate the way she came out balls to the wall (okay, those are my words), and he may just have to confront her about that, since she’s not turning out to be the person he thought she was.  Right, you just go ahead and do that, Yo. Makes perfect sense. Buh-bye, Yosef.

Jason, the former pro-football player, is chosen for the solo date.  He announces that he used to weigh 325 pounds and he has lost 105 pounds. Good for you, dude. He’s as cute as he can be. Clare is talking and talking and talking and talking on their date.  She tells Jase that she makes people laugh and talks in order to cover up pain, and she’s wondering if he does the same. Amazingly, he says they sound exactly alike. I call bull hockey. Sweet Jase is going to say anything to hopefully get a fantasy suite date one day. He’s looking extremely uncomfortable about the next part of their date where they have to write words that describe the mean things people have said about them. I have a little tip. Just make up some lies that no one has ever said about you. It’s really no one’s business. For example, I could list things like ‘weird, different, humorless, or ugly.” Never happened, so I couldn’t get all emotional about it, see?

Peeps, this show is seeming like one giant therapy session, and it’s starting to get on my nerves. I’m more of a “suck It up, buttercup” type of person, you know? No one needs to hear my crap. We’ve all been through things, and this life moves one way, and that way is forward, so I rarely look back. I mean, unless I’ve had a few Vodka Collins or something, then I might look back.  Yikes, Jason has just profusely vomited words all over Clare and he needs to take a breath. But Clare gives as good as she takes, and they are now vomiting words all over each other. These two are meant to be.

Clare’s now burning her Juan Pablo dress, which is a beautiful metaphor for letting go of her nasty past with JP. I’d have let that crap go many moons ago, and worn that dress to a family reunion or to mow the grass.

Next group date: Dodge ball. The interesting thing is it’s going to be STRIP dodgeball. I love seeing a good package as much as the next gal, but playing dodgeball naked seems like it could lead to pain. Demar just made me LOL. He said, “She want to see my man goodies tonight…” We all do, Demar, we all do. Chris Harrison sits on the sidelines making ball jokes, if you know what I mean. We’re down to the blue team playing in their jock straps. Black boxes are everywhere on the screen, and I sit here sipping my mimosa, waiting for one to slip. I lead a sad life.

Ha, the guys from the losing dodgeball team come wandering into their hotel rooms wearing only their jockstraps. One funny guy goes to sit in the middle of like four guys on the couch, and it’s like the parting of the Red Sea, they move apart so fast. Good times.

Eazy makes the first move at the group date after party. He takes Clare in the back and starts rubbing her feet. Nice. Here’s the ONLY problem with Eazy. He’s 29. For those of you not mathematically inclined, that’s ten years younger than Clare. I kind of think that’s a lot. But maybe it’s just me. There’s a few of them that are 29, and I really don’t get that. They should have got guys 34 or above in my opinion.

We keep flashing to Blake Moynes, who needs to take a chill pill. He’s very concerned that he didn’t get any extra time with Clare, and now he’s setting off on his own to get some extra time with her, even though he was on the losing dodgeball team. Cue another awkward moment. Jay’s already talking with Clare, and Blake asks him if he can talk to her for just 5 minutes. Jay says, “Uh, Didn’t you lose?” I was totally with Jay, but Clare looked like she wanted to talk to Blake, so Jay leaves, and goes and rats out Blake to the rest of the boys, who decide to be men and march over to Clare to broadcast their anger. Blake approaches it from the angle that he wanted to show Clare he has big balls, but the guys shout that he’s just a poor loser. I know nothing about the size of Blake’s balls, but they are not wrong.

Brandon, a real estate agent, and he of the large hair, is now talking to Clare and tells her that he signed up for the show because Clare was the Bachelorette, and she’s so beautiful and gorgeous. She then asks him what he knows about her, and you hear the crickets chirping, because the guy has no clue what to say. So Clare basically asks him if he’s only there for her looks, and he really has nothing to say, but then he comes up with, “Look, I feel that connection, and I know you feel it with me, too.” Clare responds that ACTUALLY, she does NOT feel that connection, and she sends him home. Good for you, Clare. He seemed rather creepy and had WAY too much hair on top of his head. Chasen gets the group date rose.

Everyone’s back home now, and the guys are asking what happened with Brandon. Chasen tells them that Clare said, “I’ve had guys with good looks, and I’m not here for just that, I want more than that.” Prompt villain music as Yo starts to speak: “I know what I would have said if she asked me that. I would have said, I liked you a lot more before you humiliated me.” Yosef goes on to say that he would have NEVER stripped and it was classless that she made the guys strip in Dodgeball, and he couldn’t risk his daughter watching it, to which I say, Why is your daughter watching the Bachelor anyway? Put on some Disney Jr or something, dude. And Yo, if you would have thought for ONE second that Clare was interested in you, you would have stripped naked and ran around the entire resort singing the tune to “Friends” while wearing your jock strap on your head. Let’s be real.

Clare takes Blake in the back and gives him a rose BECAUSE he interrupted her group date. The guys are burning with jealousy and have now declared ‘no rules of engagement.’ All bets are off folks, and Clare, who really only has eyes for Dale, strolls off with him on her arm. Once again, she pours out her heart to Dale, and he knows the exact words to comfort her, until she finally shuts him up by shoving her tongue down his throat all the way to his penny loafers. Now she takes him behind some bushes and blindfolds him, so that she can experience the language of touch.  They speak it fluently.

Closing montage: Bennett has a HUGE suite, which apparently he is paying for himself, and DeMar knocks on the door to get a tour. The two of them stroll through his accommodations and apply face masks while sitting around the hot tub. These guys love each other. Murrell out.

Finally!! The Bachelorette is Back!!

FINALLY!! CLARE is here as the Bachelorette!!

Oh goodness friends, the day is finally here!! Normally, I would have a Sam’s Club sized bottle of Cook’s Champagne sitting next to me, but I need to be all in for this show. So off to Dairy Queen I went to order a Turtle Pecan Cluster Blizzard made with chocolate ice cream. Life is good, and I am wishing the best for our sweet Clare.

Of course, Chris H opens with COVID talk, but you know what I don’t want to hear about? You got it-COVID. This is my chance to escape the real world, and I want to pretend, just for these two hours, like COVID  doesn’t exist. Okay, we GET it ABC, you took every precaution in making sure no one has the COVID. Was it really necessary to drive that home quite so much? I would have settled for a disclaimer at the commercial breaks: No one was harmed in the making of this TV show. See how easy that was?

Okay, so we’re meeting a few of the guys, and the one that interests me is the one that looks like Liam Hemsworth, because I loves me some Hemsworth brothers. He’s the guy that’s driving with his dog if that helps. Another guy looks like Joe Pesci in Goodfellas. Well, his hair does anyway. I’m getting an Italian pompadour vibe. Dale, the one we’ve heard a LOT about, is majorly hot. Friends, we are 26 minutes into this show and they’re STILL talking about the COVID, or COVA, as my sainted mother calls it.  Flash to the Harvard guy, who’s a big douche. He says by dropping the H-bomb (Hah-vahd), he impresses a lot of people. To that I say, “Harvard Guy, the people you surround yourself with are easily impressed.”

Hopefully, we’re getting down to business, because now the guys are coming out of the limos. The first limo has a bunch of jackhole football players, because they yell “One, two, three, hut, CLARE!” This ain’t Monday night football, boys. Slow your roll.

Ben comes out of the limo and asks Clare to take a deep breath with him. He calms her and she says that was much needed. That was easy enough. 

Riley Christian is out next. He’s an attorney who finds Clare guilty of the crime of looking beautiful in her dress.  Zac C is an addiction specialist. He looks a little like a young Pat Riley from the Los Angeles Lakers. What’s this? A giant man just stepped out of the limo. How did all those guys fit in there? Clare’s like 5’ 5” according to some rando internet source,  and this guy is easily a foot taller. His name is Jordan M, and apparently he’s wearing some fancy velvet shoes. Okay, friends, Clare is beautiful, don’t even get me wrong, but next to some of these guys, she’s looking every bit her age. Jordan looks like he could be her kid brother.

Jason, a FORMER pro football player, comes out pretending like he’s pregnant because Clare pretended like she was pregnant for Juan Pablo. Fun times. Here’s what’s NOT funny though, when their occupation lists them as a FORMER pro football player, and no current job is shown. Ivan comes up and he’s an aeronautical engineer. Now THAT’s impressive. Here comes Tyler in a station wagon from Morgantown, WV. You know who else is from Morgantown? Don Knotts, he of Barney Fife fame. I’m here to entertain and inform, people.

The next guy, Bennett, pulls up in a Rolls Royce and a white scarf, and the boys are all a tutter. Tutter isn’t probably a word, but I feel like it’s a cross between a-twitter and flutter and it makes sense to me. Bennett has a very chiseled Pierce Brosnan vibe, but he seems like a real douchecanoe. That’s what I’m feeling in my bones anyway.

Blake Moynes steps out of the limo and he’s a little too giddy for me. I’m old school, where you want a man who looks like he’d tie you up, throw you over his horse, and carry you away, you know? Or at least tie you up. AJ gets out of the limo in a maroon suit, and squeezes Clare’s hands so hard that she literally shouts out from pain. The guy never even notices and she literally has cuts on her hands! What in the world? He goes on and on about usually making a bad first impression and saying that he hopes he doesn’t make one with her. Completely oblivious to the fact that the woman now requires medical attention.

The next guy comes popping through a sign that says “Your Future Husband” in a pink suit, which oddly becomes him, and his name is Eazy. Eazy looks like a man who would take control, so I’m kind of digging him.

The next guy comes out in a straitjacket. Dudes need to get hold of themselves. Now we have one in armor. Another guy came in with a parachute and says he’s fallen for her already. Ed comes in a hamster ball. Yosef brings her some moon pies.  Jordan is the classiest guy of all when he opens a ring box and it farts. Really, dude? Brandon needs the skills of a beautician-stat. Please thin out some of that hair piled on top of his head. His neck is leaning like the Tower of Pisa under the weight.

Dale walks out, and he’s quite hot. I like his voice and he looks like a normal nice person with an extra hot bod. When he walks away, Clare mutters the immortal words, “I definitely feel like I just met my husband.” Okay, she’s going a little overboard as if she’s ready to quit and marry Dale right then. I hear her, however, Clare kind of always falls immediately for someone (please see Bachelor Winter Games). And it hasn’t ended well for her yet.

She’s now walking into the mansion to meet all the guys, and Bennett’s in the back with a shit-eating grin on his face like he’s got this all wrapped up. Bennett, my Spidey senses tell me you do NOT have it all wrapped up.

The guys sit around talking about how great Clare is, which I feel revokes their man-cards just a bit, and also I wish the one guy would take off his straitjacket. A) It looks uncomfortable, and B) it ceased to be funny one minute into the bit,             if it ever was.

Does Dale have the nicest teeth or what? Don’t you just want to lick them? Or is that just me? Bennett’s walking around with his Pierce Brosnan scarf on feeling no need to engage Clare, because he’s a little too good for that. He’s over telling the bartender he likes his martini “shaken, not stirred.”

Jason is talking to Clare, and he is despondent when she tells him she hasn’t seen ‘My Cousin Vinny.’ He recovers when she says she likes the outdoors and he vows to spend oodles of time outdoors with her. Yosef vows to get the first impression rose and throws out the “I’m a single dad card.” But what’s this? Cue ‘Jaws’ music. Tyler says he knows some secrets about our friend Yo, and he is not afraid to share that info if he has to. Tyler appears to be a decent man, so he calls Yo off to the side and tells him that some chick is texting him about Yo and how she seems to think Yo’s into her. Yo denies it and says it’s not true and then, like any good teenage girl, runs to Clare to head off the storm. Clare, who is wise, goes and gets Tyler C so the three of them can talk together. FINALLY, a bachelorette who is trying to discover the truth.  The sad things is, Tyler seemed to try to talk to the guy like a decent human being instead of a tattling teenage girl, and Yo is kind of stabbing him in the back. Cut to the guy in the straitjacket, can we PLEASE get him out of that?

More drama? No. Clare tells Blake that she appreciated him breaking the rules to contact her before the show. She actually praised him for it. Blake looks a little like James Corden, and I’m not impressed. I’m trying to figure out the guy who looked like Liam Hemsworth though. Was it Blake? I’m not seeing it so much anymore if it was him. Is it possible that James Corden is like six degrees of separation from Liam Hemsworth? Nah.

Dale gets the first impression rose, and she lets him know that she wants more of him. I’ll bet she does. And my guess is what she wants to see involves some naked buttocks and a feather bed. You KNOW I’m right.

Okay, I literally just LOL’d. Kenny came on because he’s mad that he didn’t get any time with Clare, and when I looked at his occupation, it said “Boy Band Manager.” Okay, does he refuse to manage girls? Does he manage several boy bands? No solo artists allowed? Anyway, I just want to tell Kenny that if he goes home, it may have nothing to do with the fact that she didn’t talk to you. Just sayin.’

Rose ceremony:

First called is Blake, and yes, I’m seeing Liam Hemsworth again, with just a splash of James Corden. I just have to figure out if that’s a good thing. Next is EazyPeazy. Can I call him that? Then Ben, Riley, Zach J, Tyler S, Joe, Jason, Demar (who was just whining about not getting a chance to talk to her), Chasen, Jordan C, Blake Moynar, Kenny the Boy Band Manager, Brendan, Garin, Ed, Bennett (Pierce Brosnan), Zach C, Jay, Brandon, and Ivan. The Final Rose goes to………….are you kidding me? YOSEF. I would have chosen Tyler C or the super tall guy over him. Ick. Yosef’s a tw**waffle. Page is funny because he’s talking about how he didn’t have a chance to connect with Clare. I’m going out on a limb here, but could the fact that his body is COVERED in tats have ANYTHING to do with her not picking him? Some chicks are into that, but maybe Clare isn’t one of them?

Final scene: Clare and Chris try to carry off the suit of armor, and Chris walks away with everything. We all know Chris has people to do that. Murrell out.

Universal Yum Box from Colombia!

www.youtube.com/watch

Jen and I taste some yummy treats from Colombia! We are also joined by two VERY special guests who teach us a thing or two about recording!

Bobs’ Fall FabFitFun Box and Extras!!

Bobs bought a bunch of extras to go along with her FabFitFun box! Great deals and a lot of fun items!

Listen to Your Heart Finale!!

We are stocked up with Seagram’s Tropical Rose’, queso, and brownies ready to enjoy an evening of laughter and fun! I am joined by my fellow Bachelor fans, Nic and Jen. First, might I say, if you have never tried Seagram’s Tropical Rose’, you must go out and purchase this delicious beverage. Also, we will be playing the fun game, Drink Every Time Jamie Touches Trevor’s Face. It will be a wild night.

Chris announces that today is Fantasy Suite day and the contestants need to have some serious conversations about their relationships. Everyone is paired off and given their songs….What’s this? Now we have Matt confronting Rudi, telling her he doesn’t feel he can get to where the others are in their relationship. Poor, sweet Rudi. Why, Matt, why? Goodness, the Captain and Tenille sang together, and they weren’t in love, right? Why is he so focused on the love part??

I’m so mad at Matt. I mean, honestly, it’s a performance, go out and “perform.” Don’t worry about the love aspect, you two are the best singers on the show!! As sweet Nic says, “If they leave, we’ve got slim pickin’s left.” So true!! Jen also has a super good point, if the two have such a great connection with singing, why aren’t they just going for it?? I concur!

Matt and Rudi head to Jamie and Trevor to let them know they are taking off. Enter Bri and Chris and Chris’s ever-present scarf. He must use it to wipe the copious amounts of sweat from his face and body. Bri says, “I know you’re doing exactly what you need to do, and that makes me happier than anything.” Uh, yeah it makes you happy, because now you’re that much closer to winning, but let’s not mention that. Rudi and Matt walk to the limo….can I just say that I want to squeeze Rudi’s hiney which is looking mighty fine in those snakeskin palazzo pants. I just hate that they are leaving.

Trevor and Jamie head to their fantasy suite. Jamie starts talking nonstop and tells us for the ten millionth time how every person she’s ever dated has cheated on her. Trevor stops listening about 10 seconds in, but has the foresight to know that when she pauses he needs to say things like “you mean a lot to me,” and “I couldn’t do this without you.” Of course, that’s pretty much what he says any time Jamie takes a breath, and it seems to please her. They head on up to the boudoir, and Nicole makes the comment, “Shouldn’t they be practicing their songs instead of fornicating?” Touche’. Indeed they should.

Chris and Bri decide NOT to go to the Fantasy Suite. Questions abound here, like “Why don’t you just go to the Fantasy Suite and eat some strawberries together?” or “You could just go to the Fantasy Suite and practice your music together.” (Guess who said that one.)

Chris and Bri and Chris’s scarf head to the studio together, while Trevor and Jamie dine on French toast, pancakes, doughnuts, and all manners of forbidden carbs in their suite of sin. There’s a little guy in the studio directing Chris and Bri, who can’t seem to get the love flowing. Bri says it’s hard to get it together because of last night. Huh? They both seemed perfectly happy with their decision to forgo the sexual intercourse suite. Don’t second guess yourself, Bri. Okay, between the three of us, we’ve figured out that the editors are cutting this so it looks like Chris and Bri are NOT going to make it, since they did NOT make it aka sleep together, but Trevor and Jamie who DID the nasty are going to make beautiful music together. We are onto the clever editing in this show.

The performances are ready to start and as Chris Harrison is announcing, the camera pans to the contestants to find Jamie and Trevor in heavy make-out mode. Jamie pulls her lips away from Trevor and has an angry look on her face that her love-making had to stop. Jen makes the comment that she is worried about Trevor, as she believes Jamie is a “stage five clinger.” Thank you, Vince Vaughan and Wedding Crashers. Jamie and Trevor go out to sing their two songs, and Jamie touches Trevor’s face no less than 10 times. Drinkety, drink, drink, drink….Honestly, their singing is not that great. You can barely hear poor Trev, and Jamie just keeps grabbing his face and making out with him. I fully expect them to lie down and do the horizontal mambo in front of all of us. Taye Diggs makes the comment that the two need to be more independent of each other. Translation: Jamie, get your hands off freaking Trevor and go sing on the other side of the stage.

Chris and Bri now take command of the stage and completely nail it and are not hanging all over each other which is an added bonus. I laugh at the women in the audience giving their slow clap along with the song, just happy to be out of the house away from their kids, and in the presence of Bachelor royalty. I wish I was with them. After Chris and Bri’s song, Rita Wilson comments, “I feel babies are happening soon!” That took a turn I wasn’t expecting. Trevor and Jamie are no longer making out as they know their chances of winning are slim to none.

Random comments happening here: I wonder how Chris Harrison sleeps at night after all the lives he’s changed….the day Chris Harrison stops changing lives, is the day the world ends….Drink every time Chris Harrison says ‘sold-out crowd’….Jamie, your bra is working overtime tonight…why aren’t they practicing more?…

Winning couple: Bri and Chris and Chris’s scarf….It only makes sense… All right, this has been fun. Murrell out.

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