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ChampagneGate

Friends,

As I sit back with a glass of Cook’s champagne, only the best for me, (You can get like a gallon of it at Sam’s Club for $10); I continue to giggle at the wonders of ChampagneGate. I would like to remind everyone that Kelsey is a pageant girl; of course, so was Honey Boo-boo….but I digress. Focusing back on Kelsey, the moment when that champagne came barreling out of the bottle all over her face was a classic Bach moment the likes of which I will never forget. Did the producers shake the bottle before they gave it to Peter? Seriously, why did it come erupting out with such force? If I were Hannah Ann, I would have been laughing my happy ass off in the corner and snickering every time Kelsey walked by me. That poor girl will be in memes from now through eternity. But who am I kidding? I want more TV like that.

Moving on to RunwayGate. No one is talking about this because ChampagneGate overshadows everything, but did anyone else see Hannah Ann slapping Victoria EFF with her dress at the end of the runway? Believe me, I am not an EFF fan, but I thought Hannah Ann was overly aggressive. Hannah Ann comes off as being three-hanky, lovey dovey, and saccharinely sweet, but I see her as a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I just see EFF as a wolf. She’s not nice, people. Everything I read about her calls her a husband/boyfriend stealer. What’s up with that? Go find your own man, EFF. Of course, this could all be salacious gossip, so I’ll just shutty.

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Walmart makes a believer of Trendy Jen! Quay sunglasses! Does the Hallmark cartoon lady have a name?? It might be Bobs!!

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Jen is a new Walmart fan! Bobs is thinking that cat glasses are not necessarily her shape! Grouchy Hallmark lady, meet Bobs and her glasses!! Super fun episode!!

Franco Sarto shoes and Aerie leggings! A great Oxford and leggings with pockets, you can’t go wrong with these!

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Pilot Pete Hometown Dates!

Friends, my champagne is iced and I am ready for a fun evening of Pilot Pete and the gals….

Hannah Ann is super excited to take Peter to her hometown of Knoxville, TN. The first thing they try is ax-throwing. Much like his attempts at basketball with EFF, Peter fails miserably, and the axes go cluttering to the floor. Finally, Pete makes one stick, and that is the cue for the make-out session. After some major lip service, he and Hannah sit down to talk. Here’s something fun, Peter has written Hannah Ann a letter since she had previously written him one. His first sentence is “I love how intentional you are.” Hmmm, intentional. Pilot Pete acts like that’s a really deep word. It means “done on purpose; deliberate.” The opposite of intentional would be accidental. It would be a sad life if one were to do everything accidentally.

What’s this? Hannah Ann names her dresses? He loves that about her? Ooookay. Hannah Ann says she’s going to read his note every morning and every night. Okay, I get it. I read my bf’s letters when I was 19, too. And kissed them and stuck them under my pillow…or was I 14? I forget.

Meeting the folks: As Peter starts talking about the excitement of ax-throwing with Hannah Ann, mom and siblings are very excited, but dad sits silently. They cut to him on camera, and Dad’s exact words are “It was a big day, ‘cuz we hadn’t seen Hannah for quite awhile and we were excited obviously, to see HER and spend some time with HER (emphasis mine); then, of course, she brought PETER with her (I LOL’d hard here), which is new and exciting, I guess.” I’m no brain surgeon, but my guess is that dad ain’t crazy about having to share his daughter with sweet Pete.

HA’s sister asks if HA is falling in love with Peter, and if he is in love with her. HA says she doesn’t know if PP loves her, but he wrote her a note with 110 reasons why he loves her, so her sister thinks that letter might be a big clue. They then read it to see if they can find any more clues. Even though I feel Hannah Ann is very stoic with her feels, her sister claims she’s never seen Hannah Ann so happy.  They both start crying and embrace.

HA’s mom warns Peter that she is fine with this whole thing, but Pops may not be. We then move to dad and Peter, who tells Peter that he presents himself well. Well, he is a pilot for Delta. The kid is no slouch. Dad asks Peter how he feels about the other women he’s around compared to Hannah Ann. Of course, Peter can’t answer, but tells dad it’s real, and that he was going to tell HA tonight that he’s falling in love with her. Dad asks him not to say it unless he really means it. Then Dad reiterates with force, “Do NOT say that word to her unless you really mean it.” This throws Peter for a loop. He’s confused. You can see the “Wait. What?” written on Pete’s face. Pete tells Dad he will take that under advisement, but what does he do instead? He hops, skips, and jumps to Hannah Ann to tell her he’s falling in love with her. Hannah Ann lets him know she is in love with him, and “She’s in it.”  She tells Peter that she loves him when they are standing at the car, and Peter tells her he’s 100% there. He asks her to say it again, and when she does, Pete responds, “I love hearing that.” Ladies, I know it’s all part of the show, but if you tell someone you love them, do you really want the response, “I love hearing that?” What a letdown!!

Next up is Kelsey, who is in Iowa. Carrying on her penchant for vino, Kelsey takes him to make their own bottle of wine. They stomp grapes in a vat and make out. Question: Did they not have to wash their feet first? Just askin.’ Btw, Pete is looking very Harry Potter-ish with his scar and his scarf.

Peter and Kelsey name their bottle of wine, “Wine.” Just when I thought this show couldn’t get more cerebral,  it surprises me. Kelsey tells PP that she knows how she feels about him, and Pete interrupts her and says, “How DO you feel about me?” This man loves nothing more than hearing the words “I love you,” especially when he doesn’t have to say it back. She lets him know she loves him and he sits there with a huge grin on his face kissing her hand.

PP heads out to meet Kelsey’s family. Here’s some scoop…I heard that the “home” Kelsey brings Peter to, is not actually their home. Just some fun tidbits I’m sharing. Kelsey’s sister says that Kelsey has not brought a “boy” home in a couple years. Maybe that’s because she’s dating men now. I had to go there. Is it just me or does Kelsey’s younger sister look like a blonde Hannah Ann?

Kelsey’s mom talks to Peter about how special he must be because Kelsey doesn’t fall in love easily. Mom tells Peter not to break her girl’s heart, and follows that with “Do you understand?” The parents on these dates are actually parents, how refreshing.  Kelsey tells mom she told PP she loves him, and then they start crying, mainly because they both know he’s still dating four other women. People, can we dissect for a moment? If your child was NOT dating the Bachelor, and there were NOT TV cameras around every corner, and they came home and told you that the person they were in love with was dating three other people, would you, as a parent, embrace that relationship? No! You would not!! These are just normal people caring about their children.

Next up, Madison from Auburn, AL. She takes Peter to Auburn University, where her dad coaches basketball. Mad and PP practice the war Eagle cheer which about makes me want to vomit. Peter pretends that being inside the basketball stadium is totally awesome, even though he knows little or nothing about basketball. Charles Barkley gives Peter a message on the big screen. One of the coaches walks out and says, “I guess I made two final fours this year.” Get it? Maddie starts dribbling and shows Peter her athletic talent. Peter starts dribbling and probably just wishes he could hide in a hole. Yep, he’s that bad. 

Peter acts like he loves that Madison’s SO athletically talented, but we all KNOW he’s completely embarrassed at his lack of skills. She’s like jumping over him to do layups. He is so wishing he was back in a cockpit right now. They make-out in the arena and head to meet the family.

Maddie’s parents look like they are younger than Peter! Seriously though, dad looks like he’s in his thirties. I’m assuming he’s not. So, the family goes around and says something nice about Maddie, because she has the special plate in front of her. They say grace, and it’s nice to see a family that appears to love the Lord and love each other. They toast with sweet tea. Peter has never tasted sweet tea, but guess what? He LOVES it. Of course, he does.

Maddie’s mom takes her aside to talk to Maddie about whether or not she’s talked to Pete about her being a virgin. She puts it very politely, “Have you talked to him about decisions you’ve made for yourself?” I respect that they are such decent people.

Dad asks Peter how he’s feeling about Madison, and Peter says the same thing he’s said to everyone, “She’s awesome.” Dad asks Peter if he knows for sure if she’s the one, and Peter’s like, “that’s a tough one. If it was the last week…” Dad cuts him off and reminds him it’s not the last week. Again, Pete’s like “Wait. Huh?” In his mind, he’s thinking, man, usually when I tell someone their daughter’s awesome, they just leave me alone. Not Maddie’s dad.

Maddie finds it really hard to leave her family. Peter tells her he’s really excited about “us.”  She did not tell Peter that she loves him, and we all know how much Peter loves to hear those words.  He just told the camera, “I love Madison….but her parents gave me a really hard time.” Get over it Petey. You’re fine.

Okay, Victoria F, or EFF as I call her, and Peter are meeting up in Virginia Beach. She immediately says, “Hiiiiiiiiii” to Peter, and it’s like nails on a chalkboard. Victoria takes hi to Old Time Photos, and, surprise, Peter LOVES this.  Peter knows a life with EFF could never be boring, so he’s excited to figure out where it can take them. Whenever there’s an awkward silence, she interjects with “Heeeyyy” and then they make out. Next, EFF takes them to a concert with Hunter Hayes. Did EFF date Hunter, too? Is Peter going to ask her? I would.

Peter is talking to the cameras about how great his date was with EFF and how excited he is to meet her family and starts to head off when someone named Marissa calls him out. He goes to talk to her, and they shoot the breeze, and all of a sudden, she says “Can I give some advice? Be careful.” The girl says she knows EFF and tells him there have been many relationships broken up because of her, so she wanted him to know. He asks Marissa if she realizes how serious this is for him right now. Marissa answers that she does, but she wanted him to know. It’s amazing that the producers managed to whisk EFF away before she could see this woman talking to Pete.

Pete’s down in the dumps and doesn’t know what to do. Apparently, it is revealed that Pete used to date Marissa, and that’s why she felt comfortable approaching him. All I got from their talk was that he purchased a Guess jean jacket from a store she used to work at. Anyway, Pete pulls up to EFF and tells her he wants to talk to her. He tells EFF what Marissa said to him about EFF causing a lot of other relationships to end. EFF denies it. Pete says it has put him in a bad head space. EFF basically doesn’t want to talk about it, and all ka-ka breaks loose. She shuts down and Pete tries to motivate her into kick-starting her love for him. She tells him she is done with the conversation and walks away. I have to say that Peter really did put what Marissa said before his “love” for Eff. Now, I’m not saying I blame him, but it didn’t come off well.

EFF tells Peter she adores him and she was going to tell him tonight that she was falling in love with him, but then she starts crying and whining about him meeting her family tonight, and how he shouldn’t have done this to her. I honestly think that she could care less if our Sweet Pete with a receding hairline (It’s there) dumps her or not. She got herself further along than she wanted. She probably just wanted some more Instagram followers. She tells him adios, and he gets back in the car and leaves poor EFF standing on the curb crying. Her mom runs out to her and amid EFF’s tears, she tells mom, “He leeeeft.” Well, he didn’t exactly leave….you kind of told him to go…

Peter is back at his hotel and there’s a knock at the door. Lo and behold, it’s EFF! She apologizes for what happened, and he apologizes as well. Is there such a thing as being overly-mannerly? If so, that’s Pete. Another word one might use is wussy. I like Pete, but he’s kind of a wuss. Pete’s telling EFF that they have no communication skills. Surprisingly, EFF is quiet and listening to him while he rants. She then starts crying. But I repeat myself. Does that girl ever NOT cry? Anyway, I guess she’s back in the running for the rose ceremony. My Spidey senses tell me this will not go well.

They’re holding the rose ceremony in an airplane hangar. Peter gives the first rose to Hannah Ann. The next rose goes to Madison. The final rose goes to EFF. ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? Why would he want someone who cries every five minutes and causes nothing but trouble? I’m so confused.

Peter walks Kelsey out. She is composed and not crying. Peter tells her, “I know you probably didn’t see that coming at all.” Like out of left field is what I’m thinking. He tells her when she told him she loved him, it meant the world to him, but he wasn’t at that point with her; he wasn’t there. Why did you plaster a shit-eating grin on your face and kiss her hand when she told you then? Oh, these Bachelors.

Peter goes back into the hangar and tells the girls they are headed to Gold Coast, Australia. Madison starts breathing heavily, and then decides to tell Peter about her virginity….but we’ll have to stay tuned for that conversation until next week…

Previews: EFF thinks Madison has put Sweet Pete into an awful predicament. I’m curious as to her train of thought. If Peter actually cares about her, it would seem to me he could avoid sleeping with her on national television. But, plot twist, we see Madi pulling a Luke P and telling Pilot Pete that she could not go forward with their relationship even if he slept with the other girls. Hmmmm, talk amongst yourselves.

Back at Eff’s house, the family gets a special clip of their own since we didn’t get to meet them. Dad asks if he has to call him “Pilot Pete.” They all say yes, but dad is not going to call him that. They then ask grandma if she’s going to give ‘nana kisses.’ Nana says yes, and mom starts screaming that no one likes those. They are uncomfortable and cringey. Sister asks grandma why she gives the kisses near the ear. I’m wondering that myself, grandma. I’ll bet you can clear a room quite easily. Murrell out.         

Hannah Ann and Patrick Schwarzenegger?? Sweet Pete, watch out!

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Hannah Ann, who is all sweetness and light on the Bachelor, is a naughty nymph on Instagram!! Appearing adorable in a red crop tee with the words “in the mood 2 kiss” and some tiny black shorts, she got a comment from none other than Patrick Schwarzenegger! Sweet Pete are you in danger? Or are you yesterday’s news to Hannah Ann? We’ll find out more tomorrow night on the Bachelor!!

Jessica Simpson purse! Trendy colors! Amazon skirt with tortoiseshell buttons! Take your Airborne and check those reviews!!

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Friends, We are sharing some great deals from Nordstrom Rack and Amazon! Not to mention the PSA to take your Airborne to avoid sickness!! Also, check reviews when buying online!

Steve Madden Tennis Shoes, American Eagle jeans, and Pattern-mixing!!

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Blue and white cheetah on Steve Madden shoes! Pattern-mixing is guaranteed!! Aerie jeans from American Eagle Outfitters! Can’t go wrong with Steve Madden!!

Special Edition!! Heather Hansen Designs, TJ Maxx, Rae Dunn, and More!

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A special filming as Jen gets a package in the mail, and we’re dying to share!!! Bobs comes out with some guest towel tips!!

Pilot Pete, Lima, Peru, No Alpacas, Lots of Dancing! 2/10/20

Pete and the girls arrive in Lima, Peru. I am obsessed with Hannah Ann’s jumpsuit. Kelley did not expect to be in Lima, but she knows it’s super pretty, and there are alpacas. She thinks it will be exciting to see them and wants Peter to make sure she rides one. At this point, she’s totally into Peter because she knows he’s the ticket to an alpaca ride. No date= No alpacas. Peter is very pensive; yes, I know big words. He happens upon some artwork and stares longingly at a painting of a windmill. That made me LOL. He is STILL thinking of Hannah B.  Move on, sweet Pete!! Or is he just fond of windmills now?

Pete goes to talk to the girls with his big old Band-Aid on his sweet forehead. I’m wondering if he has to take like 20 Aleve a day. He asks the girls to seriously consider if they see a life with him. Madi Prew feels like she needs to have a conversation with Pete about what that life would look like. I would think that would be something they all would want to do.

Madi gets the first date. She’s emotional, excited, and she wants to dance. That’s a home run for sweet Pete! Madi runs over to meet him, but does not wrap her legs around the man, a first in Bachelor history! Much like a young child, Peter shows Madi his owie. He no longer has to wear a Band-aid, and he’s very proud that he can show the world his wound.

Yikes, did Peter just give Madi the kiss of death? He told us he can see her as his best friend. Uh oh, Friend zone? Wait, he then goes on to say something along the lines of, “but also someone I can do the horizontal mambo with.” Madi is back in play.   Madison tells him she cares about him, which makes big Pete AND little Pete happy, so they lay on the front of the boat and proceed to have outercourse.

What’s this?  Back at the hotel, the girls are chatting and reveal that Madi’s VERY religious and wants her husband to be the spiritual leader of the household. Could Madi be the elusive virgin of whom we have heard tales in the previews?

Meanwhile, Peter and Madi are dancing (shocker) and Peter takes Madi to a non-dinner in the courtyard. Madi tells Peter that this has been really hard, and… Peter stops her here, and with his usual confused look says, “Why, though? Why has it been hard?” Seriously, Pete?  Madi replies with the normal, well, I want a marriage that works, and I want someone like my dad, and I have a very strong faith, and I want my dad to approve….HUGE awkward silence, until Peter realizes she is waiting for an answer from him. He tells her he has been raised in a Christian household and he has faith, but he does feel his faith could be stronger, and he wrestles with that sometimes, but it’s something that is important to him. After much hemming and hawing, he says, “I feel so good about you. I know…….that I am falling in love with you.” Then he blows a heavy sigh out of his mouth. Question: Is he just prepping her for the Fantasy Suites? You know sexual chemistry is a huge part of Pete’s vibe. He’s going to want to test-drive the merch before he purchases.

Natasha and Peter are on their date, and tbh, I’m surprised Natasha is still with us. I honestly thought she would take herself out of the race long before now. When she’s happy and not angry, it softens her, and she’s quite attractive. Sadly, she’s been angry for most of the show. Not that I blame her. Of course, the two encounter some dancers in the street. Pete, do you have NO other interests? Producers, is there nothing else to see in Peru? At this point, I would welcome the sight of a windmill.

Natasha tells Peter that her last boyfriend told her she was too intense. Okay, so it wasn’t just me. They seem to be enjoying their date.

Back at the hotel, another date card appears. Kelsey is going on a date with Peter.  Eff tells us that means there will be a three-on-one with Hannah Ann, Kelley, and herself.

Peter is thinking that he and Natasha get along really well, but he doesn’t know how he feels about Natasha compared to the other girls.  Natasha, what are you wearing? I’m thinking it’s fab, but I can’t quite see it. Peter asks Natasha where she feels they are at now. This is really the first time I have heard a bachelor consistently ask his date where she feels they are. It’s good in a way, but I also think he leads them on. Natasha says she wants things to continue, and the camera pans to the hotel with the girls. Duh duh duh….The girls are just basically calling their bookies in Vegas to lay odds on Natasha coming back with a rose.

We pan to Peter who says he feels it’s more of a friendship with Natasha…They’re talking at their cocktail table. Peter grabs the rose, IS THAT A REQUIREMENT???, because then he tells her that he can’t give it to her. I am SO sick of Pete’s whisper voice, btw. I know he thinks he’s being really deep and thoughtful with it, but it’s just annoying. He tells her he hopes he didn’t wait too long to start things with her. Umm, Peter, you waited too long to start things with anyone, because you let the drama queens run the show there for quite a while….Peter walks Natasha out. Natasha exits with dignity, and I always applaud that.

Kelsey is getting ready for her date with Peter. She really is quite striking looking. She runs down the hill to greet sweet Pete and straddles him as if she were a professional riding bareback on an untamed stallion. (Is that even a thing?) Well, you know what I mean.

They go ATV riding, and it’s kind of funny, because Kelsey isn’t in love with this activity and is wildly shaking because the ride’s so bumpy. They stop at the steepest hill IN THE WORLD and Pete makes Kelsey  run up the hill with him. She’s got like the tightest jeans in the world on, but still tries to run up. I’m telling you, it’s like a cliff, and they’re running straight up. You know the cameraman wants to kill them. They lay down to catch their breath, and Pete’s like, “We need to get in better shape. You know?” Huh? I’m not kidding, it was like an 80 degree incline, give a woman and yourself a break.

EFF and Kelley are talking about Kelsey. Eff says she won’t be surprised if she doesn’t come back, and Kelley votes that Kelsey WILL be back.

Pete and Kelsey are at their non-dinner, and Kelsey is worried about Peter meeting her folks. PP asks her to talk about them. Kels tells him her mom is probably already baking chocolate chip cookies, (yikes, I hope they’re fresh when he gets there), but her dad won’t be there. According to her, that’s okay. Kelsey continues to explain that shortly after she won Miss Iowa she tried to have a relationship with her dad, and, here’s where I get confused, it didn’t work, so she didn’t’ talk to him for quite a while, but now she IS talking to him, but her mom doesn’t know. At this point, PP’s eyebrows are on high-alert and he repeats, “Oh, your mom doesn’t know?” and she explains that she’ll tell her, but she doesn’t want anyone else’s interference for now. Of course, Pete completely understands, because, let’s face it, he’s a sucker for a vulnerable woman. Pete gives her a rose, because of her exceptional grace, so to prove her grace, she grabs his face and starts making out with him. He gives her the rose, and she knows she’s going to Iowa for hometowns. Our Kels has come a long way from Champagne-gate, hasn’t she?

The final date card comes in, and it says, “Tomorrow won’t be easy.” Hannah Ann confirms her knowledge of this by saying, “We all know tomorrow will be hard.” Kelley says she was annoyed when she realized last night she was on the three-in-one date, and she’s still annoyed today. The producers are playing off Kelley as the mean girl on this date, which may not bode well for her. Also, the all-white look is not flattering, Kel. Kelley mentions that Hannah Ann is a child and Eff is a hot mess, so Kelley doesn’t think Peter will have a problem recognizing the fabulousness that is Kelley. Peter takes Hannah Ann off first. After he takes her, Kelley lays down on the outdoor sofa and says, “I’ll be nappin’ here, see you in a bit” to the raised eyebrows of EFF. I’m with Eff on this one.

Pilot Pete talks to Hannah Ann, and she immediately pulls out the heavy artillery, crying, “This week’s been so hard on me. It could be the last time we’re together. I don’t want to let you go.” Okay, did I say she was crying? She is the biggest fake crier EVER! She keeps sniffing as if she’s crying, but there are no tears coming out of her eyes. She reads Pete some of the thoughts she has been thinking over the last few weeks, which could probably all be written on a small post-it note.  Pete is moved by her sentiments and fake tears, which is really annoying.

Kelley goes back to talk to Pete. He asks her the million dollar question: Where do you think we are in the relationship? She basically tells him how wonderful she is, and that she is the perfect match, and she wants to just stop this nonsense, get a rose, and have fun. She wants Peter to get rid of the drama, but I’ma be honest with you, she’s kinda acting like a crazy person. I’m thinking Pete doesn’t think Kelley is half as great as she is, even if she is a lawyer.

Pete talks to Eff who immediately goes on the defense telling Peter he is always in a “mood” every time she’s with him. FINALLY, he sticks up for himself and tells her that he’s NOT in a mood every time they are together, but she has given him reason to worry that she may not be at the same level he is, so he’s going to pursue that if he has to. Okay, see if you’re with me on this…I think EFF wants to be on the show. I think she’s stretching it out for as long as she can, but I truly believe she has ZERO interest in Pete. Comment and let me know what you think!!

Kelley keeps saying, “Look at me, I’m an attorney. Just give me the rose.” I’m thinking this could be bad news. Peter is a pilot, it’s not like he doesn’t have personal income, Kelley. Peter comes back to the girls and says he doesn’t need a dinner, and he is ready to give the roses now. He asks Eff if she will come with him. Kelley thinks he is NOT giving EFF a rose and that Pete’s kicking EFF to the curb. He has a rose in his hand, walks EFF to the limo, and that tricky trickster gives her the rose. She’s thrilled to have a hometown.

He then goes back to Kelley and Hannah Ann. Is he going to pull the old walk them to the car again trick? No, he asks Hannah Ann right in front of Kelley to take the rose. Literally, up until the point that he gives Hannah Ann the rose, Kelley has a shit-eating grin on her face, because she just knows he’s going to give it to her. But alas, the rose goes to HA. He asks Kelley if he can walk her out. Hannah Ann breaks down crying and snorting, which I’m not understanding, because she GOT a rose. At the limo, Kelley says these immortal parting words, “It sucks that it didn’t work out.” I’m sure you speak your truth there, Kelley, but I’m kind of glad you’re gone. You did not end this well. Kelley’s limo interview: “I have no idea why I’m in this car. The women that are left are little babies. He’s not able to make decisive decisions, then that’s on him. I’m glad he didn’t waste my time. Thank you for NOT coming to meet my family.” Oh Kel, your great lawyer status will surely net you another lawyer. Or perhaps a rich client. At the very least, someone on their way to prison…

Looks like there is MAJOR drama in Eff’s hometown visit. Eff pulls a Colton Underwood and walks away from everything. Madi admits to saving herself for marriage. Barbara’s tear-filled “Bring her home to us” plea is aired once again.

Outtakes: Peter has to explain the complicated situation that is “The Bachelor” to a Peruvian. He does not come off looking well. Bobs out.

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